


Everything Changes

by IreallyHateViolence (KaliaLovesStories)



Series: Can't Live Without You [2]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Protectiveness, happy crying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-02-26 07:11:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 21
Words: 49,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13230612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaliaLovesStories/pseuds/IreallyHateViolence
Summary: Occurs after No One I Love, starts between Durarara!! and Durarara!! x2. Shizuo and Izaya must work out how to maintain the current status quo and their relationship at the same time. Unfortunately one of Izaya's previous clients is demanding Izaya's cooperation for unsavory tasks.





	1. Change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so here's the promised sequel. I didn't get either of the oneshots I was working on done because holidays and family happened, but I got this started. I also went back over no one I love and updated it a bunch so the earlier chapters read much smoother now so if you're like me and like to reread stuff if it's been a while and there's new bits I would encourage rereading that. Enjoy the start of the second one and I hope you like it!!

In the early evening Izaya skipped down the streets of Ikebukuro. It had been just over two months since he and Shizu-chan had started – dating. Sixty-eight days to be exact, and Izaya was still uncomfortable using that word. This was at least partially because they never really acted like they were dating, which was perfectly fine with Izaya. After Izaya had accepted the reality of Shizu-chan’s feelings not much had changes. At Izaya’s insistence they weren’t telling anyone about their relationship, Shinra was the only one who knew, and he’d agreed to not even tell Celty. Still, they’d had dinner together twice in the past two months. Both times had been at Shinra’s insistence and were uncomfortable, awkward, affairs, though they had ended in thrilling chases through the streets of Ikebukuro.

Their fights had gradually become more frequent and less destructive. Izaya came to Ikebukuro almost every other day now. These fights also inevitably ended in sex. That was different.

_Where is he anyway?_

Izaya paused his train of thought. Saying he fought with Shizu-chan didn’t feel right. The word fight implied some sort of conflict. His bouts with the beast were more like… intense sparring sessions, with sharp knives and deadly projectiles, at least they would be deadly to anyone else. There was passion in them and some rivalry, but no anger. Even the rivalry quickly dissipated when they found themselves in one or the others apartment and the lovemaking started.

_He should have found me by now._

There was one other thing that had changed.

Shizu-chan took every opportunity to say ‘I love you’ to Izaya. If the beast felt the opportunity didn’t come up often enough he’d just blurt it out, seemingly from nowhere. He’d done it from the beginning and he never asked Izaya to say it back, he didn’t even pause to give the raven the _opportunity_ to say it back. Izaya was getting worried.

“Iiizzaaayaaa-kuuun” The raven was pulled from his thoughts by a blond haired monster calling his name and strolling forward. The street sign he was dragging behind him grated against the pavement like Izaya’s name against his tongue.

_There he is._

“Hi Shizu-chan.” He said, grinning as he turned his head to the side to look at the other.

“What are you doing in Ikebukuro Izaya-kun?” the beast ground out his name and the raven greedily drank in every elongated syllable.

“You say that like you think I’ve done something bad Shizu-chan.” He teased, almost everyone on the street had already started finding somewhere else to be and that made Izaya’s grin even bigger.

“You probably have.” Shizuo growled back.

Izaya held back a sigh. Shizu-chan did get angry at him still but he refused to stop working just because he was afraid of losing his beast. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t turn down the occasional job when he thought about how Shizu-chan would react to it. He’d only done that once so far and he probably wouldn’t have taken the job anyway.

“You don’t think I just came to play?” He challenged.

“Did you?” Shizu-chan didn’t wait for a response before swinging the sign at Izaya.

The raven jumped, pulling his feet up and easily clearing the sign aimed at his waist

_Shizu-chan doesn’t know anything._

“No” Izaya said, darting in and slashing at Shizu-chan’s chest, causing the larger man to step back and drop the sign.

_Shizu-chan doesn’t know anything because I don’t tell him anything._

That’s why Izaya was worried.

The beast quickly lost patience with talking and just made a grab for Izaya. The raven ducked and dodged around him before dashing away, making the monster turn to chase after him.

Instead of jumping onto the nearby low building Izaya hopped onto a tall vending machine where he leaned against the wall tauntingly.

_Shizu-chan has no patience. He should have tried to make me say I love you by now._

Shizu-chan grabbed the vending machine, preparing to shake Izaya off of it. The movement was exactly what Izaya had been waiting for. He used the added momentum to propel himself off the object. Performing a flip in midair when he noticed Shizu-chan watching, because it was fun not because he wanted to show off, and landed once again behind the beast.

_When he said he could wait I thought for sure he’d demand that I say I love him after a week._

Izaya knew to the casual observer their fights might look the same, but they felt very different.

_Seriously it’s been like this for two months. Why hasn’t Shizu-chan demanded the words he says so often?_

Releasing the vending machine Shizuo chased after him. Izaya backed into an alley, holding his knife in front of him. Checking to make sure…

_Fire escape, right there._

The beast followed him into the alley and the raven brandished his knife.

“Catch me if you can beast.” He taunted.

Shizu-chan spread his arms wide and moved slowly forward.

“I don’t see anywhere for you to go flea.” He shot back.

_Just a little closer._

Izaya grinned at him. “Well there’s always,”

_There!_

“Up.”

He sprang forward on the last word and the beast tensed. Izaya leapt and placed his foot in one of Shizu-chan’s outstretched hands, trusting the beast’s strength and surprise to be enough to hold his weight. He intended to push off from the hand and grab the railing of the fire escape, but he felt a slight pressure as the beast gripped his foot. Shizu-chan had figured it out. Izaya bent his knee preparing his knife to escape the beast’s grasp. It wasn’t necessary. Shizu-chan’s hand dipped and then shot upward, Izaya had just enough warning to use it as a boost rather than being flung into the sky. He grabbed the railing and swung himself around to land crouching on the third level of the fire escape. He glanced down and saw Shizu-chan already following. He grinned.

Their fights really had changed. They were much more fun.

_Clever beast. He deserves a treat._

Izaya scampered up the fire escape. Jumping, he pulled himself onto the roof. He glanced around, as expected there wasn o one here, or on any of the nearby rooftops. Perfect.

It didn’t take long for Shizu-chan to pull himself onto the roof with an ease that Izaya couldn’t help but envy. When he saw Izaya waiting for him Shizuo pulled the raven into a warm hug.

“Caught you flea.” He murmured into the raven’s ear.

“Only because I let you beast.” Izaya replied playfully, returning the hug.

“Only because I could have caught you earlier.” Shizu-chan pointed out.

“I wasn’t beaten yet.” Izaya countered.

“Shall we call it a draw then?” Shizu-chan rested his chin on Izaya’s shoulder.

“I don’t think there’s a need to call it anything.” Izaya pulled back a little and looked up to confirm the glint of mirth in Shizu-chan’s eyes.

“There never is.” Shizuo leaned down and met Izaya’s lips with his own.

When Izaya pulled back it was only enough to rest his forehead against Shizu-chan’s.

They stood there for a little while, in the dying light. Simply being together, feeling each others warmth.

“I love you Izaya.” Shizu-chan said finally. He said it like he always did. Nothing about him was asking for a response. His eyes and voice, his entire body, said that all Shizuo wanted from saying it was to convey his feelings to Izaya.

It worked. Every time Shizu-chan said those words Izaya believed them a little more. It was starting to worry him. He knew that, one day, Shizuo would ask for a response.

_What do I do if I can’t tell him?_

He really did love Shizu-chan. But he’d spent so long burying his emotions that he didn’t know how to say it.

_I’ve never told anyone I care about how I felt. What tone of voice do I use to be sincere? What words sound right?_

He’d said the words before, but never when the other could hear. He couldn’t do it now either. To hide his worry he slipped out of Shizu-chan’s arms and pulled out his knife again.

“So where do you want to go tonight Shizu-chan?” He asked tauntingly, holding the knife where Shizuo could see to make his intention clear. “Your place or mine?”

Shizu-chan shrugged rolling his shoulders back. “Doesn’t matter to me.” He said casually “I’ve got tomorrow off so this can go as late as you want.”

“Mine then” Izaya studied the beast as he spoke. Shizu-chan was standing with his weight on his heels and his face was missing the eager grin that usually preceded the chase.

Izaya paused before pocketing his knife, an idea forming. He didn’t feel like a fight either. Shizuo eyed him quizzically as he stepped forward.

“I’m hungry Shizu-chan, how about you?” Izaya asked, lightly as he could.

“I could eat…” Shizu-chan admitted reluctantly “Did you have somewhere in mind?”

“Yeah” Izaya said casually, slipping his hand into Shizu-chan’s “My place”

Shizuo’s eyes narrowed in confusion. “Takeout then?” He asked, uncertainty painting his voice.

“Nah” Izaya said smiling slyly at him, “I thought I’d cook something.”

“You can cook?” Shizu-chan asked allowing the raven to pull him back towards the fire escape they’d used earlier.

“Yes I can cook.” Izaya said releasing the beast’s hand so he could lower himself to the metal stairs and begin their descent. “I only do it when I have time though.”

“Oh,” Shizu-chan’s lack of eloquence was punctuated by him dropping to the top platform with a loud thud. “Is that ok?” He asked as Izaya led the way down the stairs “I mean, do you really want to go to the trouble?”

“It’s better than another awkward dinner in Shibuya.” The raven threw over his shoulder. It wasn’t guaranteed not to be awkward, but at least there wouldn’t be any witnesses.

Shizuo snorted behind him, “You’ve got a point there.”

They reached the bottom of the stair and Izaya took Shizu-chan’s hand again, threading their fingers together as they walked out of the alley. It was getting late and at its busiest this street never had more than a few people on it. Izaya was confident there would be no one around to see them together. Still, Izaya’s heart was racing as they stepped into the light of a street lamp.

 _Stop it._ He told himself firmly. _It’s just dinner, this is what you do when you’re dating, it’s not a big deal._

His heart ignored him like it always had and continued to hammer in his chest.

“What are we going to eat then?” Shizu-chan asked him, finally breaking the silence that had settled over them.

“I’m not sure.” In truth he hadn’t thought about it, the idea had occurred to him a few times but he’d only just decided to go through with it. He didn’t even have anything at home to cook. “We’ll have to stop for ingredients so we can decide on the way.”

Shizuo glanced down at him. “I want meat.” He said decisively looking in front of him. When Izaya caught a glimpse of his face he was pleased to see his cheeks tinged a faint pink, and his eyes roamed nervously.

“Of course you do protozoan.” He laughed, as his heartrate settled to a pleasant thrum. “I guess we’ll have meat then” Izaya knew just what to make.

 

When they reached Izaya’s apartment he had Shizu-chan place the shopping bags on the counter, having the beast around could be useful. Izaya started putting things in order for cooking. Arranging food on the counter and getting pans out as needed. There was always rice in the rice cooker, sometimes it was all he ate, he checked to make sure it was still good.

“Can I do anything to help?” Shizu-chan asked shifting awkwardly on his feet.

Izaya thought for a moment. “Yeah, open the sake.” He said, pulling out a cutting board and knife.

Shizu-chan did as he was told, shuffling through drawers to find a corkscrew, while Izaya began slicing the pork.

Izaya was just finishing slicing when Shizuo popped the cork off.

“Pour two glasses.” Izaya ordered before he began cutting the pork slices into bite sized pieces.

Shizuo topped off the second glass as Izaya dumped the pieces into a bowl and grabbed a tablespoon.

“Here too.” He said, holding the cooking utensil expectantly.

Shizu-chan filled it and Izaya sprinkled it over the pork slices.

“Ginger juice.” He said, holding out a teaspoon.

Izaya smiled as Shizu-chan filled it with the desired liquid he’d found on the counter.

“Soy sauce.” Izaya said, this time it was back to the tablespoon and after he’d dumped it into the bowl he held it back out. “Again.”

It was horribly domestic but it filled his chest with a warm feeling that almost brought tears to his eyes as Shizuo filled the spoon again. He quickly sprinkled the sauce into the bowl and stirred the contents a little. It had been so long since the raven had cooked for someone other than himself, if he’d known it would affect him like this he wouldn’t have suggested it.

Shizu-chan was standing awkwardly waiting for his next instruction.

“Wash this.” Izaya said, a bit too harshly as he handed the blond the cutting board.

Grabbing one of the glasses he took a large gulp of sake. He didn’t like drinking but it gave him something to do.

He grabbed the green beans and began trimming off the ends as soon as Shizu-chan handed him the cutting board.

“Fill that with water and set it to boil.” He said, gesturing to a small pot he’d gotten out earlier.

They continued like that for about thirty minutes, Izaya giving orders and Shizuo following them in silence, until finally they had two plates of teriyaki glazed pork with vegetables and rice.

“Are they done?” Shizu-chan asked, looking at the food.

“They’re done Shizu-chan” Izaya replied, reviewing his handiwork.

The warm feeling in his chest wouldn’t go away, and he still felt the threat of tears, but he was keeping it together so far. He didn’t think anyone could possibly have noticed how he was feeling now.

“Good.” With one swift movement Shizu-chan flipped Izaya to face him and pushed him against the wall by the counter. One arm wrapped around the raven’s waist, the other pinning his shoulders back. “Because I don’t think I can watch you on the verge of tears for much longer.”

Izaya’s shoulders slumped and he leaned his head back against the wall, closing his eyes against the power of the beast’s stare. Tears were prickling at his eyelids now. Of course Shizu-chan knew, he was a monster after all. Izaya had to say something, do something.

“The food will get cold.” He managed, but his voice shook and he couldn’t open his eyes.

“We’ll warm it up.” Shizu-chan countered. “I love you” He covered Izaya’s lips with his own, in the kind of kiss they always used when one of them felt too much. It was rough and demanding, an outlet for emotions neither of them had thought they would ever be allowed to feel.

But Izaya had acknowledged that warm feeling in his chest and was ready to do something to keep it. So he pushed at Shizu-chan’s chest, trying to force the beast off him. Izaya may as well have been trying to move a brick wall, but Shizuo noticed the pressure and backed off.

“The food will get cold.” Izaya repeated more firmly.

When the blond tried to respond Izaya grabbed a handful of rice and shoved it in his mouth.

The beast got the message.

“You have no patience Shizu-chan.” Izaya complained, glaring at him.

Shizu-chan growled around the mouthful of rice and an idea popped into the raven’s head. He grabbed the chopsticks he’d used to cook with and picked up a piece of pork as Shizu-chan swallowed the rice.

The beast opened his mouth to say something but the raven popped the morsel into his mouth. “The monster needs to eat,” He said, giggling a little at the beast’s expression, a bit surprised, a lot annoyed, and just a little happy.

Then Shizu-chan grabbed the chopsticks from his hand and slipped a radish into Izaya’s mouth.

“Fleas need to eat too” He quipped with a grin as Izaya’s laughter cut off.

Izaya chewed and swallowed, preparing a quip of his own, but he didn’t get to use it.

They came without warning this time, and the raven could do nothing to stop them. They welled up in his eyes and spilled down his cheeks.

_Oh shit._

He raised a hand to his face. The warm feeling had never left his chest, and Shizuo playing along was so fun.

_What the hell?_

He raised his eyes to Shizuo’s seeing only surprise and worry there.

“Why am I crying?” was all he could say.

It was enough. Shizu-chan leaned in and, with the tip of his tongue gently licked the tears from Izaya’s face. One hand moved to gently stroke his hair while the other trailed lightly up and down his back. When Shizuo kissed his forehead Izaya couldn’t help the breathy gasp that escaped him at the gentle treatment. Shizu-chan started to pull away at the sound but Izaya grabbed the front of his vest.

“Don’t stop.” He whispered tenuously.

He desperately wanted the beast to keep being gentle with him.

Shizu-chan paused for a moment. Then he grabbed a plate of food from the counter, wrapping his free arm around Izaya he sank to the ground, pulling the raven with him.

Izaya let himself be pulled down, settling on Shizu-chan’s lap and wrapping his legs around the monster’s waist. Shizu-chan’s hand continued trailing up and down the raven’s back as they settled on the ground. When they stopped adjusting Shizu-chan reached for the chopsticks and picked up a piece of meat. Izaya snorted when the beast held the food out to him, but opened his mouth for the morsel. Shizu-chan grinned and Izaya leaned back against the wall to chew. When he swallowed the raven opened his mouth expectantly for the next morsel, and smirked, settling back against the wall, when Shizu-chan placed it in his mouth. This time when he swallowed he held out his hand.

“Chopsticks.” He demanded.

Shizu-chan raised an eyebrow but handed them over. Izaya had to lean forward to reach the plate, when he did he snagged one of the green beans and held it out to Shizu-chan.

“Monsters need to eat their vegetables” he said cheerfully as Shizu-chan took the offered food.

Shizu-chan grunted at the comment and Izaya grinned a little.

It took them about twenty minutes of feeding each other to finish off the plate. When Izaya reached for the next morsel and found the plate empty he paused and glanced up to the second plate of food on the counter.

“It’s out” Shizuo commented

“Yes it is.” Izaya replied, he would have to move to reach the plate. “Grab the next plate would you Shizu-chan?”

“Can’t get it yourself?” Shizuo said, not moving as his eyes blatantly wandered over Izaya where he was leaned against the wall.

“I could but I would have to move.” Izaya said, returning the gaze as his eyes wandered over Shizuo’s wide shoulders and broad chest. Not for the first time he took in the clear jawline and arms that contained so much strength, wondering how they could produce such gentleness so easily. “But a beast like you could get it just by reaching.”

The beast grumbled but reached for the plate. Izaya had to close his eyes against the sight. It was so warm and soft the raven still couldn’t handle it. He didn’t fight the tears this time, just let them slip from under his eyelids and fall down his cheeks. How did his humans deal with this much happiness being dependent on someone else?

Izaya felt the beast shift back, and heard the soft clink of the plate being set down. He opened his eyes when he felt a gentle touch on his cheek. Shizu-chan was carefully wiping the tears from Izaya’s face with his thumb.

“I won’t make you tell me if you don’t want to.” Shizuo said carefully “But, what’s wrong?” the tears continued to fall and Shizuo wiped them away again.

“The monster has no patience.” Izaya murmured quietly, mostly to himself.

The comment made Shizuo jerk back and pull his hand away.

“I’m sorry I…” the beast started to growl, anger frustration sparking in his eyes.

Izaya kicked himself mentally. He knew Shizuo hated that nickname more than the others, but he’d still used it.

“No!” Izaya hissed moving forward.

The beast was still leaning back and Izaya used that momentum to push him all the way to the ground. Now the raven was crouching over the beast with one knee on either side of his waist and both hands fisted in his shirt.

“Izaya…” The beast started but Izaya cut him off

“That’s not it Shizu-chan.” He hissed vehemently. “You have no patience, and that’s what’s wrong.”

Shizuo opened his mouth to speak but Izaya didn’t give him the chance.

“Why don’t you try and _make_ me tell you?” He tried to lift the beast up and slam his back against the ground but only succeeded in slamming his fists into Shizu-chan’s chest. The beast didn’t move when he didn’t want to, which only served to fuel the raven’s fear driven anger. Shizu-chan could toss Izaya away at any time and there would be nothing Izaya could do about it.

But Shizu-chan didn’t move and Izaya continued, his voice rising in unfamiliar emotions.

“I know you want to hear me say it but I can’t!” The anger was gone from Shizuo’s face as he stared wide eyed at Izaya/

“You should have demanded it within a week so why haven’t you?” Izaya was yelling now and he couldn’t stop himself.

“I know it’s not because you’re playing me, You’re not capable of that.” Izaya hated this, Shizu-chan was the only one who could get him to feel this way and Izaya hated it.

“It’s been two months! Where does this well of patience come from?” He was crying again now.

“What happens when it runs out?” The tears spilled from his eyes and onto Shizuo’s face

“I’m terrified Shizu-chan! What if I can’t tell you in time?” _I hate this I hate this I hate this!_

“I can’t go back to the way things were” _I don’t want to tell him this._

“but I can’t lose you Shizu-chan, I can’t ever lose you.” _I don’t understand._

“Why Shizu-chan?” _What do I do?_

“Why haven’t you asked me to say it?” _How do I say it?_

“You’ve never even given me the chance.” _What are you thinking?_

“Why?” Izaya’s words trailed off and he sat there, breathing heavily with tears blurring his vision.

“It’s alright.” Shizu-chan said as he gently reached up and put a hand on Izaya’s face.

“How can you _say_ that?” Izaya slammed his fists into the beast’s chest again.

_It’s obviously not alright._

“I mean” Shizuo looked to the side as he searched for words. “I don’t mind if you never tell me you love me.”

Izaya stared at him. “Why?” He asked again.

Shizu-chan sighed then locked his golden eyes with the raven’s red ones.

“How long have you been in love with me?” His voice was low and gentle but Izaya jerked back as if he’d been stung. “Because I know it’s been longer that two months.”

_He’s not supposed to know that._

 Izaya tried to pull away, tried to escape from the monster who knew what he wasn’t supposed to.

Shizu-chan was ready for this reaction. He reached up and pulled Izaya to his chest, the raven struggled desperately but Shizu-chan just held him closer.

“I’m sorry” He murmured into Izaya’s hair, switching his grip so he could hold the struggling raven with one arm and stroking his hair with his free hand.

“I love you, I’m sorry I didn’t realize it sooner,” Shizuo’s body was warm and his arms were gentle.

“And I’m sorry I tried so hard to hate you for so long.” The raven continued to struggle, trying everything short of pulling his knife.

“I love you and I’m sorry.” Shizuo kept repeating those words over and over in his deep gentle voice as he stroked the raven’s hair.

Eventually, Izaya calmed down. His struggles gradually slowed and finally ceased. He lay on the beast’s chest. Listening to the calming voice and relaxing with the gentle touch on his hair. He opened his mouth speak.

“How” his voice came out tenuous and strained and he had to take a deep breath before he could start over.

Shizu-chan fell silent to let him speak but his hand remained on the raven’s hair.

“How long have you known?” this time Izaya was able to get the words out. “How _did_ you know?” he added as an afterthought.

Shizuo took a breath and released it into Izaya’s hair before he spoke.

“If you ever try to take back what happened you may as well kill me because that’s the only way you’re getting rid of me.”

The words were murmured quietly but they made Izaya look sharply up at Shizu-chan’s face. Those were Izaya’s words from two months ago.

Shizu-chan’s expression was worried as he waited for Izaya’s reaction.

The raven let out a breath and laid his head back on Shizu-chan’s chest where he could hear the other’s heart beating. It was steady but not slow, it made the raven smile a little, the beast was nervous too.

“I’ve known I loved you since the first year we knew each other.” He admitted “After high school I decided to give you up.” Shizuo’s hand on his waist tightened just a little. “After about three years of sleeping around and trying to avoid you, unsuccessfully I might add, I decided it was pointless.” Shizu-chan’s fingers were digging into his side painfully, Izaya ignored it. “I’ve known you were the only one I could love for three years now.” Here Izaya paused and tightened his grip on Shizu-chan’s shirt. “I’ve been in love with you from the beginning you idiot. What took you so long?”

As soon as the last words left his mouth the raven buried his face in the beast’s chest. Shizu-chan tightened his arms around the raven, pulling him as close as he could.

“I’m sorry” He murmured again into the raven’s hair.

Those words seemed to affect Izaya like magic. He ginned into the beast’s shirt. Then he looked up with a playful smile.

“You’ll have to make it up to me.” He purred teasingly.

Shizu-chan paused for a moment. He grinned back, almost before Izaya knew what happened the beast rolled over. Switching their positions and trapping Izaya between his arms.

“Can I start now?” He asked, golden eyes sparkling.

Izaya writhed to display himself temptingly beneath his beast.

“Please do” His purr turning even more seductive “But, do think about the location a little.”

Shizuo snorted but sat back, releasing the raven. “Lead the way” He invited.

Izaya thought for a moment then shook his head. “Nope. You’re making it up to me.” He raised his hands to his beast, tilting his head suggestively. “Take me to bed.” He purred.

Shizuo released a growl and complied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you have it. That's how Izaya is feeling about their relationship so far. Did you notice what I did with the fight scene and how parts of it mirror the fight in the beginning of No One I Love? I love writing fight scenes for these two, it's just so much fun! I hope you liked it and let me know what you think!


	2. Everything and Nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two, we get Shizuo's point of view again. Hope you like it!

Shizuo kissed his raven gently, wondering if Izaya would let him continue like this. He loved the rough raw passion that usually consumed their nightly activities., but tonight he had seen his raven cry, for the first time. It made Shizuo want to spoil him, to treasure him and show him what it meant to be loved.

“Oi beast.” Izaya flicked his forehead “Aren’t you supposed to be making it up to me?”

Shizuo started, he hadn’t realized he was spacing out. He looked down at his lover’s pouting face. His lover. It still felt odd to call Izaya that, even after two months.

The raven was splayed out beneath him, shirt riding up to display his slender abdomen, one hand was extended toward Shizuo, drawing him in to the raven’s exposed, slender neck and his slightly tilted chin. As Shizuo’s gaze traveled up to a smug smile playing across thin lips he could feel the growl of want building in his throat It was finally drawn out by the red eyes glinting at him, mischievous and seductive.

The message was clear. _‘Stop daydreaming and pay attention to me.’_

How could Shizuo not. He touched his fingers to the raven’s exposed abdomen and slid them up under the shirt, keeping his touch light as he explored Izaya’s body with his hands. He watched the raven’s reaction as he found the sensitive spots. Izaya’s arms draped above his head and his expression hid nothing as he entrusted his body entirely to Shizuo’s whims of pleasure.

_So this is what making it up to him means._

Shizuo slowly worked his hands up, savoring the feel of the raven’s skin under his fingertips. Eventually he was pulling the raven’s shirt off. As always, Shizuo marveled at the lithe slender body beneath him. He placed his hands on Izaya’s ribcage, thumbs meeting at his solar plexus as his fingers splayed on the smooth pale skin. Izaya met his eyes. His expression at once challenging and inviting. For some reason it made Shizuo think back two months to the first time he’d confessed. He would never forget Izaya’s words at that time.

_‘No one I love ever loves me back.’_

It wasn’t pity or pain that he remembered at those words. It was hope. Just like now it wasn’t regret or guilt he felt when he looked at his raven

_I’ll make it up to him._ Determination was all he needed for this. Determination and a will to move forward. _Whether it takes a few hours or the rest of my life I’ll make it up to him. And I will_ never _let him say those words again._

Shizuo studied the marks on the raven’s body, as his thoughts ran through his head. He had been the one to put them there the other night. He traced them gently with his fingers, wanting to leave more. Before he could move to do just that Izaya reached up and wrapped his arms around Shizuo’s neck. His red eyes gleamed with more emotions than Shizuo could count and when he opened his lips the voice they released held a confidence that was only intensified by it’s quiet resonance.

“Ai shiteru Shizu-chan”

Shizuo’s heart felt like it would leap out of his chest.

_Did he just say…_ He stared at the raven as the words washed over him. _I never though anyone would ever say that to me._  The Saika incident didn’t count, not like this. As he stared down at the red eyes he saw Izaya’s lips move but couldn’t seem to make out what he was saying. _Ai shiteru Shizu-chan._ The words kept ringing in his ears and he felt blood rushing to his cheeks. _I never thought I would ever let anyone say that to me._  He was vaguely aware of the raven moving and heard clothes rustling. _Ai shiteru Shizu-chan._ He felt hands on his chest and heard words but couldn’t distinguish them. _I never thought I could be this happy._

A sharp pain was finally enough to break him from his thoughts and make him look down.

Izaya was biting his collar bone. Hard.

“Ah” he pulled back a little and the raven released him.

“Good.” The word was a self-satisfied hum out of Izaya’s mouth “If that hadn’t worked I was going to get out my knife.

Shizuo blinked at him, still unable to find words. Looking down at himself he saw his vest and shirt were undone, thankfully they still had all their buttons.

“It did work didn’t it?” Izaya almost sounded amused as he reached for his pocket.

“It worked.” Shizuo said quickly.

Izaya snorted but stopped reaching for his knife. Instead he pushed on Shizuo’s chest. It wasn’t nearly enough to force Shizuo to move, he sat back anyway.

“Let’s get on with it then.” Izaya said, latching on to Shizuo’s vest so the blond would pull him up as he moved.

Shizuo barely even noticed the extra weight. When they were both sitting Izaya began to remove Shizuo’s shirt. When they were off he surprised the blond by leaning in to lightly brush his lips over the bitemark on Shizuo’s collar bone.

“I love you beast.” He whispered again, looking up at Shizuo.

“Me too.” Shizuo whispered, his voice caught in his throat as he looked at the man he’d done his best to kill until two months ago. “I love you too.”

He traced his hands up Izaya’s sides then wrapped his arms around the slender raven, pulling him close. Breathing in Izaya’s bittersweet scent he reveled in the feeling of his skin against the raven’s as Izaya readily returned the embrace.

“I love you too.” He whispered one more time into the raven’s hair before pulling back and kissing him.

 

Shizuo collapsed onto Izaya’s chest, spent. After a few moments he glanced at the clock by Izaya’s bed. It was getting late, he would have to hurry to make the last train.

He rolled off the raven towards the edge of the bed and began fishing around for his clothes. Izaya groaned and rolled on to his side. With his back to the wall he slipped his hand over Shizuo’s bare waist.  The blond glanced over his shoulder. Izaya’s hair was sticking out in every direction and his limbs splayed on the bed as if he didn’t have the energy to move them. A lazy smirk slid onto his lips when Shizuo met his eyes. The only word Shizuo could use to describe him was beautiful. Shizuo rolled back to face the raven.

“Izaya,” He started nervously “I don’t want you to take this as a demand and, if you say no I won’t push you… but…”

When he hesitated Izaya rolled his eyes and flopped onto his back. “The beast should just spend the night already.” He said, crossing his arms behind his head. “You’ve practically missed the last train anyway.”

Shizuo hesitated. “You sure?”

Izaya raised an elegant eyebrow. “I wouldn’t say it if I wasn’t sure.”

Shizuo smiled and relaxed onto the bed, Izaya turned his head to the side to look at him.

“You’re staying then?”

“I don’t have to work tomorrow,” Shizuo mused, “so I may as well.”

Izaya reached his hand behind Shizuo’s head and pulled them closer so he could rest his forehead on Shizuo’s.

“Good” He murmured, closing his eyes contentedly.

Shizuo wrapped an arm around Izaya’s waist and pulled their bodies together.

“Yeah” he murmured in response. Relishing the smile that crossed the raven’s face.

Izaya reached out and pulled the blanket over them, leaving one hand tangled in the back of Shizuo’s hair.

“Goodnight Izaya.” The blond couldn’t help whispering.

Izaya snorted and cracked an eyelid. “Goodnight Shizu-chan.” He responded idly before closing his eyes again.

 

The next morning Shizuo woke up in a daze surrounded by the scent of Izaya. It took a moment for him to figure out where he was. He rolled over only to find the bed empty except for himself. Sitting up he glanced at Izaya’s clock. It was just after eight.

_Izaya must be downstairs._

Shizuo found his clothes on the floor and slipped into them before heading out of the bedroom in search of the raven.

He found Izaya sitting on the couch watching cartoons.

“Shizu-chan there you are.” Izaya piped up when he saw the blond coming down the stairs. “I was just thinking about waking you up.”

“Do you need me to leave?” Shizuo asked, walking around to lean on the back of the couch behind Izaya.

“Not yet.” The raven responded twisting to look at him. “Namie’s going to be here at ten so I need you out by nine thirty.”

“Still not telling anyone?” Shizuo asked casually.

Izaya narrowed his eyes. “Despite what happened last night nothing’s changed Shizu-chan.”

“Hmm.” Shizuo covered Izaya’s lips with his own to make up for his lack of response. Shizuo didn’t really want to tell anyone about their relationship either. Too many people wanted to hurt Shizuo and they might see Izaya as a way to do it. Shizuo knew Izaya didn’t need protecting but he had enough enemies of his own without adding Shizuo’s. Still, there was something about the flea’s statement that bothered Shizuo.

“There’s rice in the kitchen.” Izaya said, gently pushing at his chest when their lips parted. “It’s all I’ve got for breakfast so help yourself.”

“Thanks I will.” Shizuo said, pushing away from the couch and heading to the kitchen.

“While you’re in there bring me a bowl too.” Izaya called after him.

Shizuo didn’t respond as he looked around Izaya’s kitchen. There was no door, just a divider between the kitchen and the living area that the flea used as an office. The rice cooker was on the counter next to the stove, on the wall across from Shizuo. He found bowls in the cupboard above the sink, on the wall separating the two rooms.

As he filled two bowls with rice Shizuo thought about the last two months. Not much had changed from the first eight years he had known Izaya. They still spent most of their time together chasing each other through Ikebukuro. Shizuo still blatantly told Izaya how he felt, and Izaya still evaded him at every turn.

A few things _had_ changed though. Instead of rage and a desire to cause pain driving Shizuo to chase after Izaya, he simply wanted to push the raven to greater feats and feel the rush of his body doing what he wanted without even having to think. Instead of Izaya slipping away and losing Shizuo in an alley the end of a fight now found them together. Instead of saying hate, Shizuo did his very best to convey to Izaya just how much he was loved.

It was incredible how much of a difference those few changes made. The past two months had been some of the best Shizuo could remember. It still surprised him how easily he had accepted his own feelings. How quickly he had slipped from anger and frustration to sheer joy at the sight of Izaya’s face. It all just seemed so right, how could he not accept it?

Clearing his thoughts Shizuo finished filling the bowls and brought them into the living room. He sat on the couch next to Izaya and handed the raven his bowl. They ate in silence, Shizuo watching Izaya out of the corner of his eye. They had known each other for eight years. It was a long time to hate someone, but an even longer time to be in love with someone who hated you. Shizuo still didn’t know very much about the raven sitting next to him, and he was beginning to want to learn more.

“What?” Izaya asked, noticing Shizuo’s stare after putting his bowl down.

“Nothing” Shizuo glanced away and set his own bowl on the coffee table. “Just, thank you.”

“For what?” Izaya was looking at him quizzically.

Shizuo shrugged, meeting Izaya’s gaze again. “For not giving up on me.”

Izaya’s eyes went dark. “That’s not something you should be thanking me for.” He said quietly.

“I don’t care.” Shizuo said stubbornly. “Thank you.” Gratitude was what he was feeling and no stupid flea was gonna deny him that.

Izaya blinked at him then burst out laughing.

“The beast defies logic yet again.” He said between chuckles.

Shizuo considered being offended but it didn’t seem like Izaya was making fun of him. He just seemed to be genuinely laughing, something Shizuo hadn’t seen from the flea before. So instead the blond smiled and leaned back on the couch.

“Can’t be reasoned with?” Shizuo asked good naturedly, repeating a phrase he’d heard from Izaya more times than he could count.

“Nope.” Izaya threw his arms up in mock exasperation. Then surprised Shizuo by twisting and flopping onto his back so his head was resting on Shizuo’s lap.

“Can’t be reasoned with at all.” Izaya’s voice was quieter and he gently reached out to touch Shizuo’s face.

Shizuo stared down in amazement at the smiling man in his lap. In this moment he couldn’t remember how he had ever thought that he hated Izaya.

“I love you.” He couldn’t have stopped the words coming out of his mouth even if he’d tried.

Izaya just smiled and hooked his hand behind Shizuo’s neck.

“I love you too.” The raven purred gently before pulling their lips together.

Shizuo didn’t think he would ever be able hear those words without his heart rate spiking.

As he wrapped his arms around Izaya and pulled him closer to deepen the kiss Shizuo realized what had bothered him about Izaya’s statement earlier. It was so obvious he couldn’t believe he hadn’t realized it sooner.

Izaya looked at Shizuo quizzically when he pulled away from the kiss.

“You’re wrong Izaya.” Shizuo said, his realization burning through his reason.

“What?” the raven narrowed his eyes. He clearly didn’t like hearing those words.

“You’re wrong.” Shizuo repeated anyway. “It’s not that despite what happened last night nothing’s changed.”

Izaya blinked at him. “What?” He repeated.

Shizuo smiled at his confused raven. “Despite the fact that we’re still not telling anyone, everything’s changed.”

Izaya paused then let himself fall back onto Shizuo’s lap again.

“I suppose you’re right.” He said finally. “It’s all changed now.”

They spent the next hour sitting on the couch, watching cartoons and cuddling. When the clock showed nine Shizuo reluctantly got up to leave. Izaya walked him to the door and leaned against the wall while Shizuo put his shoes on.

“When will you be coming to Ikebukuro again?” Shizuo asked as he stood back up.

“It’ll be a few days.” Izaya replied. “Works piled up and I don’t know when I’ll be able to get away.”

“Oh” Shizuo tried to keep the dejected tone out of his voice.

It must not have worked because Izaya wore a triumphant as he spoke again. “Namie’s not coming in the day after tomorrow though, so you could come here after you get off work.”

Shizuo blinked once tilting his head. “No chase then?”

Izaya’s face turned into the mask Shizuo had always hated. “Sorry no time.” he said casually “I’ll try and get things cleared up as soon as possible though.”

The flea was lying. Shizuo had a pretty good idea what the reason was though so he let it slide.

 “Alright” Shizuo replied, calmly as he could “I’ll make sure and come by the day after tomorrow then.”

Izaya smiled. “I’ll be waiting.”

As Shizuo rode the elevator down to the lobby his heart wouldn’t stop pounding. He had never been able to spend time with Izaya without a chase being involved. How would it work? What would they do? Would he be able to keep his anger in check?

Excitement and nervousness thrummed through Shizuo’s veins as he glanced up at Izaya’s building before he headed home. He desperately wanted to make this work.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Ai shiteru - Most of you probably already know this but for those who don't it is the strongest form of love one can express in Japanese and rarely used. Shizuo hasn't even been using it yet which is why he's so surprised to hear Izaya say it. I couldn't help using it I can hear Izaya saying those words in my head and writing it any other way just felt wrong. So there you have it, Izaya went from not being able to express his feelings straight to ai shiteru and Shizuo couldn't be happier! I hope you liked it and let me know what you think.


	3. I'm Going to Keep Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter for you guys. I'm really sorry it took so long and it's a little shorter than the last two but I hope you like it.

Izaya watched the door close behind Shizuo. His smile didn’t fade as he bounced over to his window to watch the morning crowd pass in front of the building. Shizu-chan had known he was lying but had let it go. Izaya chose to take that as he wanted to try too.

_Since when did I become so optimistic?_ He mused as his humans passed beneath him. _Trusting the monster to want the same things as I do when I’ve never even been able to predict what he’ll do next._

But he did. Izaya trusted that Shizu-chan wanted to spend time together without violence. Without a thrilling chase, without adrenaline coursing through their veins and driving their actions. Izaya didn’t want to do away with the chase, he could never give that up. Unfortunately, there was a part of him that knew if they couldn’t spend time together without it he would never be able to keep his monster. Shizuo’s morals would kick in eventually and Izaya wanted to be ready for them.

Just then Shizu-chan walked out of the building. From this high up it was hard to make out the features of his face but.

_He looks happy._

Izaya smiled when Shizu-chan turned and glanced back at his window. _I never thought it was possible for him to be that happy because of me._ He shifted his weight and tilted his head to the side. _Me too though. I never thought hearing ‘I love you too’ could change things like this. It’s jut one extra word from what he’s been saying for two months, but it changes so much._

Izaya watched until Shizuo turned the corner and disappeared from sight. The beast really was his now, Izaya would do whatever it took to keep it that way. Finally he turned and sat down at his desk, switching on his computer. He really did have a lot of work for the next couple of days. Izaya started by checking his emails. There were three. The first was from Shiki with an update on information the Awakusu needed. The second was from Loretto, an Italian who had decided to start a smuggling operation in Ikebukuro. Izaya had sold him information on his competitors two months ago and now he wanted the raven to do another job for him. The third email was from a reporter Izaya sometimes got information from, he had what Izaya had asked for but there would be a price.

The raven read all the emails but didn’t respond to any of them. Shiki would be informed when the job was done. Izaya had turned down the job for Loretto once already, he just didn’t like the heavy handed manner in which the Italian did business. As for the reporter, Izaya could let him wait for a few hours before getting the information he needed. Trying not to think too much about the next time he would see Shizu-chan Izaya threw himself into his work.

When Namie arrived he set her to work getting the information out of the reporter. The next two days would be busy for both of the, best to get it over with as fast as possible.

 

Thoughts of that morning and the previous night continued to follow Izaya throughout the day. He didn’t try to stop them. When chatrooms stood idle or when he got up to make coffee he let his mind wander back to the darkness of his bedroom, to the man who had been in his bed, and to the words Izaya had said to his monster.

_It was easier than I thought._ He mused again as he was making his third cup of coffee. _Harder in some ways, but mostly easier._ He leaned against the wall where Namie couldn’t see him and closed his eyes to remember the feel of Shizuo’s gentle touch.

_Shizuo fingers trailed lightly over Izaya’s skin. Pausing to trace the dip just above his hipbone, they sent shivers across the raven’s skin and up his spine. Shizuo worked his way up to Izaya’s chest with a concentration bordering on cute if not for the way his eyes devoured Izaya’s reactions. Izaya let him. Hiding nothing of the pleasure he felt. Showing Shizuo everything he was in that moment, the fear that should have consumed him from such an act completely gone from his mind._

_Then the beast had gotten Izaya’s shirt off._

_Shizuo looked at him like Izaya was all he had ever wanted. Like he really would make up for eight years of pain and loneliness in a single night. As if he hadn’t done just that over the past two months. The sight took Izaya’s breath away. He reached up as hunger mingled with the determination on Shizuo’s face Emotions boiled over inside of Izaya, from his chest into his lungs and up his throat, almost choking him with their need to be voiced. Guilt, for making Shizuo feel guilty, for all the pain he’d caused in hopes of catching even a moment of the beast’s attention. Gratitude to Shizuo, for never relenting in his endless endeavor to tell Izaya he was loved. Desire, a deep seeded craving for Shizuo’s touch, his voice, his panting breaths in Izaya’s ear. Happiness, the happiness of finally having the one thing he’d always wanted, and the one thing he thought he could never have. All these and more boiled through his veins. But more than any of them, more even than all of them put together, Izaya felt love. Love for the monster who saw right through him, love for the beast who touched him so gently, and love for Shizuo who loved him back._

_It warmed his chest in a way that it never had before. It was brighter and warmer than anything he thought himself capable of feeling. It filled his mind and body so full he couldn’t contain it. If he didn’t do something, say something this instant he would shatter into a million pieces and not even Shizu-chan would be able to find them all to put them back together. As his hand touched skin Izaya opened his mouth._

“What are you doing?” Namie’s emotionless voice cut into his reverie.

To his credit Izaya didn’t jump. He opened his eyes to narrow slits, turning his smile into a sardonic grin.

“I’m making coffee Namie” He said smoothly, as he forced the memory to the back of his mind. “That should be obvious.”

“It would be.” Namie agreed dryly. “Except the coffee’s been done for almost five minutes.”

Izaya glanced at the coffee maker. The pot was sitting full and steaming, ready to be poured.

“So it has.” He drawled.

Slipping around Namie Izaya poured himself another cup. Pointedly ignoring her questioningly raised eyebrow and posture that was dying to ask what had kept him spacing out for almost five minutes. There was no way in hell he was going to tell her what happened last night.

Returning to his desk Izaya got back to scrolling through forums and news sites, trying not to let his thoughts wander.

_I meant to hold back._ He remembered as the forum he was browsing began to bore him. _I meant to keep something for myself instead of giving it all to him._ He grinned quietly to himself. _It was worth it though, for that reaction._

Izaya pushed away form his computer and spun around to where he could look out his window, for once not watching his humans. Instead he leaned back and, closing his eyes, let himself fall into memory with a secretive smile.

_Emotions fighting for dominance in his throat Izaya was certain there was only one way to express them._

_“Ai shiteru Shizu-chan.”_

_Izaya waited almost nervously for a reaction. He didn’t get one. The beast just froze. His expression a mask of shock and awe mixed with bewilderment and happiness. It was the dumbest look he had ever had and Izaya couldn’t help but find it completely adorable._

_“Shizu-chan you look ridiculous.” He stated, unable to keep the amusement out of his voice._

_The monster didn’t respond. He just hovered over Izaya, eyes staring without really seeing. Izaya could almost hear the gears turning in his head as Shizu-chan tried to process what had just been said._

_“Shizu-chan.” He called teasingly, hoping to grab his attention. The only thing that happened was a blush starting to creep onto his face. Honestly Izaya would be getting annoyed if it wasn’t so damn cute._

_“It shouldn’t be that surprising Shizu-chan.”_

_No response._

_“If you don’t do something soon I’m going to have to mess up the clothes Kasuka gave you.”_

_Still no response._

_Izaya began undoing the buttons on Shizu-chan’s clothes. The blond didn’t react._

_Izaya ran his fingers along the beast’s toned and scarred torso. Shivers ran along the tanned skin but Shizu-chan didn’t move. Running out of options Izaya bit down on Shizu-chan’s collar bone as hard as he could._

The raven turned back to his computer with a self-satisfied smirk. As he resumed working. Shizu-chan really did have the cutest reactions ever.

The beast was his.

“I’m going to keep him.” He whispered quietly. “No matter what it takes.”

Namie was in the other room so there was no one to hear, but that only made Izaya’s words and determination feel more real.

 

* * *

 

The next day Shizuo met Tom at the office. After leaving Izaya’s Shizuo had gone home to change and then spent the rest of his day off relaxing in parks around the city. To his surprise and pleasure his day had been blissfully free of assholes looking for a fight.

Now he was back to collecting money from assholes who didn’t want to pay their debts. Shizuo didn’t mind. A return to the same old routine with Tom made him feel grounded in reality. After yesterday with Izaya Shizuo felt like he needed a bit of normalcy to assure himself that it really happened.

_He said he loves me._

Shizuo couldn’t keep the smile from his face as he followed Tom through the city.

_I never thought he would say that but he did. Izaya Orihara admitted he loves me._

“Alright we’re halfway through, ready to stop for lunch?” Tom asked.

“Ah yeah, sure.” Shizuo said, pulling himself from his thoughts and back to the present.

A thought occurred to him as the entered a nearby fast food place. He waited to voice it until they had both ordered and were settled with their food.

“Ah, Tom, I have a favor to ask.” Shizuo said finally.

Tom looked up from his burger. “That’s unusual, you almost never ask for favors. What is it?”

“It’s not that important.” Shizuo said quickly, embarrassed by the scrutinizing way the brunet was looking at him. “I was just wondering if we could take care of some of tomorrow’s calls today and then finish a little earlier tomorrow.”

Tom cracked a smile at Shizuo’s awkward behavior.

“Is that all?” He asked good naturedly. “If it has anything to do with how you’ve been almost mellow lately then it won’t be a problem.”

“Mellow?” Shizuo asked giving Tom a quizzical look.

He didn’t think he’d been getting into any fewer fights recently. Granted the ones with Izaya didn’t really count any more but Tom didn’t know that.

“Well maybe mellow isn’t the right word.” Tom admitted thoughtfully “You’ve just seemed happier lately.”

Shizuo smiled a bit as Izaya’s laughter flashed across his mind. “Yeah I suppose I have.” He mumbled.

Tom didn’t ask for any details or reasons, but Shizuo could tell he wanted to. Shizuo didn’t know what he could tell him yet though, so he kept quiet and they finished their meal in companionable silence.

“This actually works out pretty well for me too.” Tom commented as they headed out. “I have some business to take care of tomorrow so the more we can get done today the better.”

“That’s good” Shizuo nodded and mentally prepared himself for a very long evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long to get to you! After I posted the last chapter I felt like I needed a little extra time to figure out how I was going to get where I'm going next and I wanted to clear up some things in hopes of getting across how both of them are feeling right now. This was still pretty much a fluff filler chapter but I promise the story is going to start picking up when I post again next week. So I hope you liked it and let me know what you thought!


	4. Unintentional

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter if you're interested. I hope you like it!

“Alright, that’s all we had for today.”  Tom said finally.

It was barely three in the afternoon. Somehow it felt like they had been working twice as long as the day before when Shizuo had asked to work late.

“Thanks Tom.” The blond said with a smile as he rolled his shoulders back. He could finally go and see Izaya.

“Yeah.” Tom acknowledged, giving him a sideways glance. “So are you gonna tell me what you’re so eager to be doing today?”

Shizuo paused. He’d been expecting this, but he still wasn’t sure what to say.

“I have to go and see someone.” He admitted. As long as he didn’t say who it was that much should be fine.

“Someone huh?” Tom said lightly “Who’s the lucky lady?”

Shizuo ducked his head, a little embarrassed by the topic.

“I can’t tell you that yet.” He said to his feet. _And it’s a guy._ He added to himself. Shizuo wanted to tell Tom, but he’d promised the flea.

Tom blinked at that. “Can’t tell me?”

Shizuo scratched his head awkwardly, avoiding eye contact.

“Well that’s fine.” The brunet shrugged finally. “When you’re ready I’ll be waiting for an introduction.”

Shizuo suddenly imagined presenting Izaya to Tom. Like he was some marriage candidate meeting his parents for the first time. The picture it made in his head was so ludicrous that for a moment he couldn’t say anything.

“Ah, yeah.” He finally managed. “Introduce you… when we’re ready.” _What the hell am I thinking? How the hell is that going to happen?_

Thankfully Tom ignored his stuttering with a friendly smile. “Good work today. See you tomorrow.” With a slight wave he turned to head in a separate direction.

“Yeah, see you.”  Shizuo responded quickly before turning himself and heading towards Izaya’s.

Because it was still early Shizuo wondered if the flea would still be working. If he was, would he tell Shizuo to come back later? Probably, the blond decided. The flea was the type to not mix business with pleasure. Not that Shizuo minded. Sitting around knowing the flea was ruining someone’s life right in front of him, wasn’t a good way to stay calm. Deciding it would be better to kill just a bit of time before heading over to Shinjuku Shizuo ducked into a convenience store. Uncertain of what to do he browsed through some magazines, not really looking at what he was reading.

“What are you avoiding then?” A soft, sweet voice cut into his thoughts.

Shizuo looked up. One of the clerks was standing at the end of the isle watching him.

Her short dark hair ended just at the line of her chin and she watched him with a disarming, honest smile.

“What?” He asked, trying to register the question.

She must not have known who she was talking to, she didn’t seem to be afraid of him.

“It’s just that, you’ve been staring at these magazines for five minutes but you’re not looking at any of them.” She explained. “Usually when people do that here they’re avoiding something.”

“Ah, I’m just… supposed to be going to see someone, but I don’t know when would be a good time.” He admitted.

“Then why don’t you try calling them.” She suggested kindly. “If you already have plans to meet up then they shouldn’t be surprised to hear from you.”

Shizuo blinked. He rarely communicated with the flea in such a mundane way. The thought hadn’t even occurred to him.

“Ah, yeah. Call him. I’ll do that thanks.” He threw her a smile.

“Glad I could help.” She smiled back. “Now I’ve got to get back to work.” With that she disappeared a few isles over, leaving Shizuo to dig out his phone.

Calling the flea seemed like it would be too much trouble. His few experiences told him that Izaya could be really annoying over the phone. Shizuo sent a short text instead.

[Hey, I got off work early. Are you still busy?]

After sending the message Shizuo closed his phone and headed to the food section to wait for a reply. Maybe he would get some fruit milk to drink before he left Ikebukuro. As he was looking at his options, two other customers meandered into the isle next to him. They had a rough look to them but Shizuo didn’t pay them much attention until they mentioned Izaya.

He almost wasn’t sure they were talking about Izaya at first. The raven was on his mind so much it was strange to hear others say his name. But when his interest was piqued, he unintentionally tuned in to their conversation. What he heard his blood begin to boil.

“Boss says Izaya Orihara’s gonna give us information on the guys family.” One of the thugs said casually.

_Calm down._ Shizuo told himself as his hands formed and released fists at his side. _You know the flea is into some shitty business. There’s nothing you can do. So long as he keeps it out of Ikebukuro it’s fine. You don’t want to lose Izaya._

“Didn’t that guy say he wouldn’t work with us anymore?” The second thug asked.

Shizuo froze, staring into the drinks cooler. _What the hell?_ It was that moment that Shizuo’s phone vibrated alerting him of a received message.

“Boss says if he doesn’t want to then we’ll make him.” The first thug was saying.

A vein popped in Shizuo’s forehead, but he forced himself to release his fists and pull out his cell.

_The flea can take care of himself. He doesn’t need you getting involved._ As he flipped open his phone the thugs next words reached his ears. He didn’t even read the screen before the piece of technology was snapped in two in his hand.

“If he doesn’t, then we’ll just have to kill him.”

_No one hurts my flea!_

The broken pieces of the phone landed on the floor to be crushed under the ball of Shizuo’s foot.

“You bastards.” Shizuo’s threatening growl drew the attention of the two thugs next to him.

Their gaze went from him to the crushed phone on the ground and back to Shizuo. Fear evident on their faces.

“You bastards _.”_ He repeated shoulders trembling and eyes blown wide from the effort of holding in his rage. “ _You’re gonna DIE!”_ He roared as the damn broke and Shizuo’s body began to move.

This was nothing like fighting Izaya.

Shizuo reached out and grabbed the nearest thug by his shirt as he was turning to run. Lifting him off the ground Shizuo swung the man around to fling him into the nearby shelves, heedless of the damage he was causing.

This wasn’t Shizuo moving without conscious thought. This wasn’t Shizuo experiencing a sense of control over his body he never knew existed. This wasn’t fighting Izaya. This wasn’t fun.

Turning from the first thug Shizuo grabbed the nearest shelf that was still standing. Raising it over his head he flung it at the second thug as the man tried to make for the exit. The shelf clipped his shoulder before crashing to the side into the glass casing of the coolers lining the wall. They broke open, sending bottled drinks and glass shards skittering across the floor.

This wasn’t moving without thought, because Shizuo couldn’t think. Anger made his body move when he wished it wouldn’t.  He was completely aware of his actions, but he could no more control them than he could stop the sun from rising. This was violence. Shizuo hated this.

Ignoring the destruction Shizuo stalked forward to the man now sprawling on the floor. Lifting him by the collar Shizuo pulled him up until their faces were inches apart.

“You will never hurt Izaya.” He growled into the terrified eyes.

Then Shizuo released him and the man stumbled back a few paces. Not far enough to avoid Shizuo’s fist connecting with his chest. He flew backwards through the shelves, shattering the glass of the storefront before landing on the pavement.

Letting the sound of breaking and falling glass die in his ears Shizuo stood, chest heaving, in the carnage he’d created. Again. He’d done it again. He had lost control and indiscriminately destroyed his surroundings, again. Forcing air into his lungs Shizuo glanced around. People were staring at him. It seemed like people were always staring at him. Most of the shelves in the store were knocked over or broken. At least three cooler doors were destroyed, and the large window painted with the stores sign was completely shattered. His brain felt oddly detached as he analyzed the damage. As if he still wasn’t fully in control of what he was doing.

Then he saw her.

He recognized her instantly. It was the girl who’d told him to call Izaya. She was trapped under one of the fallen shelves. It looked like her head had ran into the next shelf over as she fell because she was lying unconscious. Belatedly Shizuo realized that both her legs were trapped under the shelf. He moved to lift it but was stopped by a high pitched cry from his left.

“Don’t touch her!”

Looking in the direction of the voice he saw a terrified boy brandishing a broom in Shizuo’s direction. He was wearing the store clerks uniform, but it looked like he was still in high school. Ignoring him, Shizuo reached down and grasped the shelf.

“I said don’t hurt her, don’t touch her you monster!” The boy shrieked again. He was probably sweet on the girl. The broom was trembling in his hands.

_Monster._

Shizuo put more force into moving the shelf then he intended. It flew backwards smashing into the cooler behind him. Causing yet more destruction.

Shizuo looked from the shelf, now lodged in the broken glass of the cooler, to the still unconscious girl. His shoulders trembled, as he began to panic.  An image of another woman trapped under a shelf flashed in his mind. He had just been trying to help. Except he hadn’t even been trying to help this girl. She had just been there.

“Get away from her monster” The boy was still screaming “Don’t hurt her.”

That’s right. He was a monster. He broke everything he touched and hurt everyone who got near him.

_I have to leave._ He thought frantically. _If I stay here I’ll hurt more people._

He left the girl on the floor and walked past the boy still brandishing the broom, stepping through the broken window to the street. But there were people here too. Staring, whispering, fragile people.

“Monster.” The word followed him from the shop.

_I have to get away. I don’t want to hurt them._

He started walking almost in a daze. Doing his best to tune out anything the people around him were saying.

_Monster_

There was only one place he could go. One place there was no one around for him to hurt. One place would be safe.

_Monster._

He had no idea how long it took him to reach his apartment. It didn’t really matter though. He locked the door behind him. Not to keep others out to keep himself inside.

_Don’t let the monster escape._ He thought bitterly.

He stepped up to the window and closed the curtains tightly. Alone, in the dark, he leaned his back against the wall and sank to the floor.

_I don’t want to hurt anyone._

Curling himself into a ball Shizuo rested his head on his arms and dung his nails into his shirtsleeves. Here there was no one around for him to hurt. Here he didn’t have to touch anything.

_Monster._

If Shizuo stayed here the world would be safe from the monster.

 

* * *

 

Izaya glanced at the clock, eyes narrowing in annoyance. The digits read 4:42pm. Over an hour since Shizu-chan had texted him. The raven had sent him a couple of texts since then but gotten no response.

_He should have been here by now._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there it is. Sorry it was a bit short. Let me know what you thought!


	5. Why I Call You Monster

Izaya woke with a start.

_It was a dream._ He told himself as he tried to breath. _It was just a dream._

He glanced around. His bedroom was dark, and he was alone. Unable to calm his nerves Izaya clawed his way to his bedside table the raven scrabbled the drawer open.

_It was just a dream. I did not make all that up. I’m not going insane. Shizu-chan was here._

He rifled through a couple of books and some loose pencils before his fingers landed on a slip of paper. The raven pulled it out of the drawer breathing a sigh of relief as he reread the words written there.

_[Borrowing the spare key to lock up. I’ll return it when I see you next.  
I love you.]_

It was written in Shizu-chan’s messy scrawl and the words were smudged from Izaya keeping it in the drawer for so long. Shizu-chan had written him the note two months ago, after a misunderstanding that had left them both doubting the others feelings. There was no longer a need for such things, but Izaya kept the note for occasions such as this. When his dreams made him wonder if it had all been a delusion.

_It was real._

It was stupid. Izaya knew that. To let his dreams bring so much fear that he couldn’t trust his own mind. But he couldn’t stop it. He’d wanted Shizu-chan for so long, those one-sided feelings had been so dark and twisted. It was hard to believe they could turn into something as bright as what he felt now, with Shizuo.

Sighing Izaya placed the note back in the drawer. It had honestly been a while since the last time he’d needed it. Even if he had a nightmare lately he was able to shake it off within a few seconds of waking up. He shuddered as he remembered the dream he’d just woken from.

_Shizuo’s face was grim as he faced off against his bitter enemy. There was no trace of the vicious grin Izaya knew so well._

_“I could never love a flea like you.” The blond growled out before swinging the signpost at Izaya’s head._

_The raven just stood there. He couldn’t move. He could only close his eyes waiting for the deadly blow._

Izaya threw off the blankets and quickly got dressed. Shizu-chan was coming over this afternoon. He had work to get done before then.

 

Izaya’s day went by fast. Namie wasn’t there so there wasn’t anyone to bother him with pesky things like food. He would eat when he got hungry which just hadn’t happened yet. He could get more work done this way anyways.

So when he got a text from Shizu-chan around three thirty he only had a little more work to finish before he could be done for the day.

[Hey, I got off work early. Are you still busy?]

Izaya was surprised to receive the text. It was a rather mundane form of communication for the two of them. But in this situation it would suffice. He quickly composed a response.

[Yes, but I’m almost done. You can head over in 30 minutes.]

He set his phone to the side and turned back to his computer. Not bothering to hold back his grin. There was no one here to see it anyway.

If Shizu-chan left Ikebukuro in half an hour he should make it to Izaya’s around four fifteen, four thirty at the latest. With that motivation in mind Izaya finished his allotted work in almost half the time he’d expected. He showered thoroughly then scrambled to get dressed when he realized it was already four. By four twenty he was shutting off his computer so he wouldn’t have a potentially volatile conversation with the beast about his job. Four thirty found him turning the television to cartoons and pulling out his phone.

Shizu-chan hadn’t responded to his instructions so he sent a follow-up.

[Does the beast not know how to tell time or did you get lost on the train?]

With that he put his phone down and turned his attention to the TV. Unable to focus on the show however, he kept checking his phone for a response. Annoyed Izaya glanced at the time. It was almost five.

_My monster should definitely have been here by now._

Switching the TV off again Izaya grabbed his coat.

_Looks like I get to go see what’s keeping him._

The part of Izaya that was expecting to see Shizu-chan on the other side of the door was mildly disappointed. While he was in the elevator he pulled out his phone and sent one last message.

[You’re taking too long monster. I’m coming to find you.]

Izaya headed toward Ikebukuro by the rout Shizuo was most likely to use. Hoping that if Shizu-chan was on his way they would run into each other. No such luck. Unfortunately going this way meant that Izaya had to take the train. This did not make him happy. Izaya loved humans. That didn’t mean he wanted to get into a metal box with them, where they would brush up against him or jostle into him as the box swayed with annoying frequency.

He was relieved to reach the Ikebukuro station, where he could step off the train and return to loving his humans from an acceptable distance. He’d spent the whole ride thinking about what he would do to Shizu-chan for standing him up and making him ride that annoying contraption. The conclusion he had landed on was that they were in for another chase today after all. Glancing around the station Izaya decided to try the monster’s apartment first. If he wasn’t there, Izaya could track him through the online message boards.

When he got to the building Izaya glanced up at the window. It was dark, Shizu-chan probably wasn’t here. As Izaya walked around to the door he paused and took a closer look at the window. The curtains were closed. Shizu-chan never closed the curtains, he said he liked to let the light in. It was five o’clock in the afternoon with plenty of light left. So why had he closed the curtains? A sense of dread settled at the bottom of Izaya’s stomach.

_Something’s wrong._

He quickly climbed the stairs to Shizu-chan’s apartment and tried the door. Locked. Not surprising but he had hoped… It didn’t matter, pulling a key from his pocket Izaya unlocked the door. Izaya had made a copy after the first time Shizu-chan had confessed to him. The beast still didn’t know he had it.

Locking the door back up behind him, Izaya removed his coat and stepped through the entryway. Wondering what he would find.

Letting his eyes adjust to the dim light filtering through the curtains, Izaya surveyed the living room. At first he thought the room was empty. There was no one on the couch and the kitchen was cold and dark.

“Get out.” The muffled voice came from the shadows on the other side of the room.

Izaya blinked. Quietly he moved around the couch to the other side of the room. Shizu-chan was there. His long limbs were folded and wrapped around each other to make him as small as possible. With his face buried in his arms, he didn’t move as Izaya approached.

“I don’t care who it is just…” He paused to draw a shuddering breath. “Leave before I can hurt you.”

Without a sound Izaya crouched down in front of Shizuo, resting his weight on his heels. He had never seen the blond like this before. He didn’t know why Shizuo was in this state. He didn’t know if there was anything he could do to help. He didn’t even know how to _begin_ to help. Izaya only knew one thing. He wouldn’t leave Shizuo alone like this.

As he was contemplating, the blond spoke again.

“Please just get out. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Izaya reached out and touched the beast’s arm. Wanting to see his face.

“Since when have you been able to hurt me?” He asked, hoping his voice sounded at least a little soothing.

Shizuo finally looked up, allowing Izaya to wrap his finger’s gently around the blond’s wrist.

“I can’t hurt you?” It sounded more like a question than a statement, making Izaya smile.

“You haven’t yet.” The raven confirmed. It wasn’t strictly true but Izaya was confident he could take anything the blond threw at him.

“Izaya” Shizuo’s voice was barely above a whisper. The puffy red splotches under his eyes told the raven that he had been crying. “I really can’t hurt you?” He reached out to grasp Izaya’s shoulder. The intensity with which he stared at the raven made it clear the answer was very important.

Izaya reached out with one hand to touch Shizuo’s face while his other hand took hold of Shizuo’s. The one grasping his shoulder with almost enough force to crush it.

“You can’t hurt me Shizu-chan. I’ll never let you hurt me.” He meant every word. He just hoped his monster believed him.

Shizu-chan studied his face for a moment. Before practically lunging forward to bury his face against Izaya’s shoulder and wrap his arms around the raven’s chest. Izaya fell back against the couch in surprise. He lifted his arms out of the way awkwardly as Shizuo clung to him. Uncertainly he looked down at the blond head against his shoulder and the body that trembled against his chest.

“I can’t hurt you.” Shizuo’s fingers gripped the back of the raven’s shirt as he whispered the words like a continuous prayer into Izaya’s shoulder. He didn’t seem to care that Izaya had no idea how to handle the situation. All he wanted was the warmth against his face and someone real to cling to.

That was something Izaya could understand.

Tentatively he placed his arms around Shizuo’s shoulders. Drawing the fingers of one had lightly over his back while the other stroked his hair. Mimicking the motions Shizuo had used on him the other day. He didn’t know if the blond was crying or not, but he knew Shizuo wanted to. So Izaya wrapped his arms tighter around Shizuo’s shoulders and buried his face in the blond locks. Silently telling him that he wasn’t alone. Izaya listened to the words still being mumbled into his shoulder.

“I can’t hurt you. I won’t hurt you. You’re safe. Being around me won’t hurt you. I can’t hurt you.” The words started to come out more like sobs than anything else. They were rushed and said over and over, as if repetition was the only thing making them true.

Izaya didn’t know what to do as Shizuo took in a shuddering breath and continued mumbling. Slower now, less desperate, but his shoulders were still shaking.

“What did they do to my monster?” He murmured into the blond hair, thinking aloud.

He knew instantly that he’d used the wrong words. Shizuo released Izaya as if he’d been burned. Pushing himself backwards his shoulders hit the wall with a loud thud as he got as far away from Izaya as the space would allow.

“Don’t call me that.” His voice was hoarse and choked but no less vehement.

Izaya blinked in surprise at the unexpected response. Letting his hands fall to the ground he pushed himself back into a crouch, following Shizuo towards the wall. When he was closer he was able to get his first good look at Shizu-chan’s face in the darkened room. The renewed dampness on his cheeks indicated he had been crying into Izaya’s shirt. His brows were furrowed, and he wouldn’t meet Izaya’s eyes. The frantic mumbling had stopped but Izaya wished it hadn’t. This hostile silence was much worse.

Izaya studied Shizuo for a long moment, trying to figure out what to say to get the blond to rely on him again. Finally he settled on a question.

“Why do you hate it?” The raven queried.

“What?” Shizuo asked, finally looking at him.

“You seem to have accepted the other nicknames.” Izaya observed, “So, why do hate it so much when I call you monster?”

Shizuo looked back to the floor. Talking more to his knees that to Izaya, at least he wasn’t curling back into himself.

“It’s what they call me.” He mumbled.

Izaya tilted his head to the side, not understanding. Luckily he didn’t have to question further, as the blond continued on his own.

“When I hurt people.” Shizuo’s voice caught in his throat but he kept talking. “When I throw things, when I…. use my strength.” He curled his hands into fists in self-deprecation. “When I get angry they call me monster, and they’re right.”

Izaya looked at him for a moment longer to be sure he was done. Finally the raven nodded.

“If that’s why, then I won’t stop.” He said decisively.

“Figures.” Shizuo muttered, after a pause. Turning his face to the side, hiding it a little more from Izaya.

_Interesting._ Izaya mused. _He didn’t get angry._

Sliding over, Izaya sat down next to Shizuo. Leaning his back against the wall where he could see his monster’s face better.

“I won’t stop Shizu-chan” He said again. “Because I’m not them.”

That made the blond look at him.

“What do you mean?” Shizuo asked.

_Perceptive as ever._ Izaya almost hummed to himself.

“I don’t call you monster because you’re strong and scary.” The raven explained. “I call you monster because you do something no human ever could.”

Shizuo snorted, unconvinced. “No human could lift a vending machine over their head.”

“Mmm mm.” Izaya disagreed. “No human should be able to lift a vending machine over their head.” He waved his finger over his own head, then moved it down to poke Shizuo’s shoulder “You’re a monster because of something much more impressive.”

Shizuo leaned his head against the wall and tilted it tiredly to look at Izaya.

“Spit it out flea.” He grumbled. “Why do you call me monster?” He was annoyed, but at least he was talking.

Izaya rested his head on his arms and smiled at his monster.

“I call you monster ‘cause you can see through me.” His voice almost trembled at the admission but the look on Shizuo’s face made it more than worthwhile. “I call you monster because you saw through me so completely the very first time you saw me. You continued to do so for eight years. There’s no way a human could do that.”

Shizuo stared at him for a moment. Eyes swollen from crying. His expression an adorable mix of relief, surprise and happiness. Then he let himself fall heavily to the side, landing with his head on Izaya’s shoulder.

“You’ve been awfully honest lately.” The blond murmured as his eyes drifted shut. “What’s with that?”

“Who knows?” Izaya sighed wrapping his arm around Shizuo’s shoulder and resting his cheek on the blond hair. “Maybe you’re rubbing off on me. Or maybe my monster is finally listening.”

Shizuo hummed tiredly. “I didn’t see all the way through you though.” He said into Izaya’s shoulder.

“What do you mean?” Izaya asked absently threading his fingers through Shizuo’s hair.

“I didn’t realize you were in love with me.” Shizuo murmured.

“Yes you did.” Izaya scoffed. “As soon as you even _started_ to look for it. You saw that I loved you, to the point where you didn’t even need me to say it.”

Shizuo’s shoulders stiffened for a moment in surprise. “I suppose you’re right.” He said thoughtfully as his muscles loosened again.

Izaya began to relax again. Suddenly he froze as a horrible though occurred to him.

“You had better not be regretting it.” He said sharply, glaring at the blond head on his shoulder.

“Regretting what?” Shizuo asked, he still sounded tired.

“Hating me.” Izaya said, not relaxing. “You had better not be hiding here in the dark because you regret fighting me for real all those years.”

“I don’t regret it.” He lifted his head off the Izaya’s shoulder and met the raven’s eyes. “That’s not why, because I don’t regret it. If I hadn’t spent eight years trying to kill you, I would be too afraid of hurting you to be in love with you right now.” He searched Izaya’s face for a moment, seemingly unsure if Izaya believed him he continued. “I don’t like hurting people Izaya. It’s bad enough when I don’t know them, but if I were to accidentally hurt someone I love I…” He cut off as his voice broke.

 Izaya stayed silent as Shizuo took a long breath before speaking again.

“I don’t regret our past, because that’s why I know I can’t hurt you. So, it’s safe for you to be around me.”

Izaya looked at Shizuo for a long moment before allowing himself a smile.

“I see.” He murmured, gently pulling Shizuo’s head back to his shoulder. “That’s good.”

They sat in silence for a while as Shizuo’s breathing leveled out again.

“Is that what happened?” Izaya asked finally. “You hurt someone, that’s why you’re here?”

Shizuo nodded against Izaya’s shoulder. “Yeah.”

Izaya stayed quiet for a while. He didn’t know what to say to make Shizu-chan feel better. Usually when talking to people who were upset Izaya put on an act, or just made them feel worse. Sometimes both. But he didn’t want to make Shizu-chan feel worse, and his monster wouldn’t believe an act.

“What did they do?” He asked finally.

“Nothing.” The blond mumbled quietly.

Izaya blinked. Shizu-chan didn’t hurt people over nothing unless…

“Then it was an accident?” He asked. He knew the answer, so he didn’t wait for a response before asking his next question. “What happened?”

There was a pause and Izaya waited patiently for Shizu-chan to speak.

“I was pissed off.” The blond said finally. “I was in a convenience store and a couple of thugs started talking shit and I got pissed off. I didn’t realize she was there until I’d calmed down. By then I’d already thrown the thugs through the window and pretty much trashed the place.”

Izaya could feel Shizuo’s whole body trembling slightly. He tightened his arm around the blond’s shoulders and rested his chin on Shizuo’s head.

“She was trapped under a shelf.” Shizuo continued. “Unconscious. I got the shelf off her, but everyone was terrified of me. So I left. I came here because, if I’m around people I hurt them.” He drew in a long shuddering breath then let it out. Settling further into Izaya’s shoulder.

The raven didn’t say anything, and they stayed like that for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you have it, Izaya's awkward attempts at comfort. I don't know if it came out as adorable as it did in my head but I hope you liked it regardless. Let me know what you thought.


	6. Special

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, this is way late, sorry about that.There will probably be longer gaps between chapters from now on simply because I don't seem to be writing as fast anymore. Here's the chapter though, I hope you like it!

Izaya didn’t know what to do next. The two of them sat against the wall, Shizuo’s head on his shoulder. In the silence that followed Shizuo’s explanation there was nothing Izaya could say that didn’t sound like empty comfort or a lecture. He couldn’t say that Shizuo wouldn’t hurt someone even if he left the apartment. They both knew it wasn’t true. He didn’t want to tell the blond that he would have to leave his apartment eventually. They both already knew that as well. At least Shizu-chan wasn’t crying anymore. It was likely that he’d gotten into the fight right after texting Izaya. Which meant he’d been here for at least an hour when Izaya arrived. Shizu-chan probably hadn’t moved from here the entire time.

Izaya squeezed Shizuo’s shoulder tightly then stood up. The blond’s hand snapped out to grip Izaya’s wrist, stopping his movement. Izaya glanced back and he immediately let go, hand dropping to his side.

“Sorry.” Shizuo mumbled, looking at the floor.

Unsure what the reaction meant Izaya went to the kitchen and found a glass. Filling it with water he brought it back to Shizu-chan. Crouching down he held the glass out.

Shizuo looked at the glass then back at Izaya, he didn’t move.

“You’ve been crying for a while.” Izaya explained. “You’re dehydrated.”

“Oh.” Shizuo took the glass but continued to stare at it.

Izaya placed a hand on Shizuo’s cheek and leaned forward to gently kiss his forehead.

“I’m going to go get some food.” He said, trying to figure out what to do about the pained expression on Shizuo’s face when he pulled away. “Drink that and I’ll be back in a bit.”

He drew his hand from Shizu-chan’s face. Feeling golden eyes on his back as he left the apartment, locking the door behind him.

As he made his way down the exterior stairs Izaya pulled out his phone. His first task was to dig around on the net until he found out which convenience store Shizuo had been in. It wasn’t hard. There were posts about it all over the Dollars site. Someone had even taken a video. It started halfway through the fight, but what made Izaya grit his teeth was the end.

_That kid is the reason Shizu-chan won’t leave his apartment right now._ He realized bitterly as he watched the boy brandishing a broom at the blond. _Does he not see the look on my monster’s face?_

Izaya loved humans, and this boys reactions would be amusingly predictable. Except Izaya couldn’t get the way Shizuo’s shoulders had trembled as the blond clung to him out of his head. He was beginning to realize that he loved Shizu-chan far more than he had originally believed.

It was a simple matter for Izaya to find the hospital the injured girl was taken to. As soon as he knew the location he called Russia Sushi. After ordering takeout for both him and Shizu-chan he told Denis he’d pick it up in half an hour. Then headed in the direction of Raida General Hospital.

When he arrived Izaya sauntered through the sliding glass doors and headed for the information desk.

“I’m here to check on the condition of a young girl who was brought here a few hours ago. Itou-chan is her name.” He told the lady at the counter, giving her a charming smile.

The woman smiled in return, quickly looking up the name. “Ah yes, Itou Tomiko. Her condition is stable, and she’s expected to wake up any time now.”

“Thank you.” Izaya said politely and headed for the waiting room. The boy from the video was easy to spot. He was sitting alone with his forehead resting on his fists, eyes focused on the floor. Slipping across the room Izaya leaned over and put his face right in the boy’s line of sight.

“Hello there.” He said in a tone more mocking than cheerful.

The boy practically screeched and jumped back in his chair. “Who the hell are you?” He asked as he caught his breath.

Izaya smiled as his eyes calculated the right amount of pressure he could put on this boy to get the point across.

“I’m just someone passing through.” He brushed off the question casually. “Thought I’d stop by and have a friendly chat.”

“Why me?” The boy asked uncertainly.

“Because you’re a mildly interesting human.” Izaya gave his voice a sugary lilt so his words could be interpreted as almost friendly. “You stood up to Shizuo Heiwajima and got away without a scratch. I would love to know more about the one who could pull off such an impressive feat.”

Izaya’s honeyed words worked like a charm. They boy puffed out his chest and sat a bit straighter.

“It was nothing really.” He said with the pride of the innocent. “I just couldn’t let a monster like him hurt Itou-chan.”

Izaya smiled again, “and what exactly will Itou-chan be calling her rescuer when she wakes up?”

“Her new boyfriend I hope.”  The boy said with a grin, before his confidence deflated just a little. “But probably just Watanabe Katsurou.”

“Watanabe Katsurou.” Izaya repeated committing the name to memory. His friendly smile turned to a malicious smirk. “That’s all I needed.”

The boy’s smile had just enough time to drop into confusion before Izaya’s hand shot out and latched around Katurous neck. “One more thing. My Shizu-chan isn’t a monster, not in the way you mean.” Izaya dragged the boy up by his throat until Izaya could his into his ear. “If you ever talk to my beast like that again I’ll show you who the real monster is.”

He dropped the boy back to the chair. “And a monster isn’t the guy who pulls a shelf off an injured girl.” His voice would have been kind if not for the look in his eyes. He turned on his heel and waved casually over his shoulder. “See you around Katsu-kun.”

Izaya slipped his hands into his pockets and sauntered to the checkout desk. The boy was a lucky sidetrack, not the main reason he was here. The girl at the desk looked up when he leaned against the counter.

“Hey,” Izaya said as cheerfully as he could. “I’d like to pay someone’s bill in full.”

“Alright.” The girl said practically batting her lashes at him. “Whose bill will you be paying today?”

Izaya almost rolled his eyes in annoyance. But if flirting with this girl would make this go smoother then so be it.

“Itou Tomiko. Thing is, I don’t want her to know it was me who paid it.” Izaya said with a smile.

“We can do that.” The girl said promptly. “But you will need to give me your information.”

“Of course.” Izaya said cheerfully glad this would be over soon. “My name is Kishitani Shinra and I will give you an account number for you to take any expenses from.”

“Alright” the girl said, typing a few things on her computer. “That will get us started.”

Izaya gave the girl all the information as quickly as he could. Not nearly quick enough.

“That should do it.” The girl said finally making a few final clicks. “If you don’t mind me asking. Why don’t’ you want to tell her?”

Izaya looked back as he was turning to go.

“A friend of mine feels responsible. I just want to put their mind at ease.” With that Izaya left the hospital and started for Russia Sushi.

_Would Shizu-chan want sushi?_ He wondered to himself. _He needs salt but don’t a lot of people crave sweets? Maybe I should stop at a bakery after Russia Sushi?_

Izaya spent the trip to Russia Sushi running through a list of Shizu-chan’s favorite bakeries. Figuring out where he could get what he wanted without being questions.

 

* * *

 

Shizuo wished Izaya would come back. He stayed where the raven had left him, staring at the glass of water in his hand. As he waited his muscles began to tense and he started shaking again. As he felt goosebumps forming on his arms he realized he was shivering. He couldn’t stop the tremors running through his body

_That’s right._ He thought tiredly. _I was crying. So now I’m cold._

His trembling shook the glass in his hand, causing some of the contents to spill onto the floor. Shizuo realized just how dry his throat felt and quickly downed the water before setting the glass to the side. Then he rested his head against the wall behind him and waited.

_I need to apologize._ Shizuo reminded himself. _When Izaya comes back I need to apologize for skipping out on him._ He turned his head to stare at the edge of the couch Izaya would have to skirt to get to him. _For crying on him too. He’s the only one though._ He thought about this for a moment. _I haven’t cried like that in front of anyone since I was a kid._ He opened one of his hands in front of his face. _Not since I started destroying everything around me._ It had felt strangely good to have Izaya there, with him  gone Shizuo was just tired and cold. _I hope he comes back soon._

Izaya finally came back almost an hour after he left. Shizuo opened his eyes when he heard keys in the lock.

_Wait. I never gave Izaya a key._ He was about to get up when the flea’s voice came from the entrance.

“Shizu-chan, I’m back, you still here?” Quiet footsteps could be heard as Izaya entered the apartment.

“I’m here.” Shizuo called setting back against the wall.

Izaya came around the couch and crouched back down in front of Shizuo. The blonds head tilted to the side as he looked at his raven.

_Yeah,_ Shizuo thought as he observed the figure in front of him _He’s the only one I wouldn’t send away right now._ It was odd, there wasn’t anything particularly comforting about Izaya’s movements. But the look in his eyes and the earnest way he held out the box of sushi somehow made Shizuo feel better.

“We could stay sitting on the floor.” The raven observed. “But I think it would be easier to eat this on the couch.”

Shizuo blinked, then nodded agreement. _Maybe it’s because he’s not being as annoying as usual._

Izaya stood and offered the blond his hand. _No,_ Shizuo thought as he took it and Izaya pulled him up. _Izaya is special._

They sat together on the couch and Izaya unwrapped the sushi. Shizuo noticed another box sitting at the other end of the coffee table.

“What’s that?” He asked, he was still tired and he didn’t have the energy to raise his shoulders above a slump, but he wasn’t shivering as badly.

“Eat the sushi first.” Izaya instructed. “The salt will make you feel better.”

“Yeah” Shizuo agreed, not taking his eyes off the unmarked box. “But what is it?”

Izaya shrugged, handing Shizuo a pair of chopsticks.

“It occurred to me that you might like something sweet.” He said once Shizuo had started eating. “So I stopped by a bakery after Russia Sushi.”

Shizuo stared at the raven. If anyone else had tried to coddle him like this he would have sent them away one way or another. But this behavior was so unlike Izaya, yet done so casually, he didn’t know what to do.

“What?” Izaya asked tersely when Shizuo didn’t look away.

“It’s just,” Shizuo paused to form words from his jumble of thoughts. “Orihara Izaya is trying to cheer me up. I wonder how many people have been able to say that.”

Izaya gave him with a strange smile.

_Yeah, Izaya is special._

“Why Shizu-chan,” He said silkily “only one.”

 Izaya’s words made jealousy spark red and dark in Shizuo’s chest. The number being one ruled out his sisters, which meant there was someone else important enough to Izaya that the raven wanted to comfort them. Shizuo had no idea who it was.

“One other person.” He mumbled to himself.

“For a monster that’s pretty dense.” Izaya teased.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Shizuo asked, his jealousy quickly turning to frustration and the beginnings of anger.

Izaya gave him a strange smile. A bit comforting, nervous and secretive all in one.

“It’s not one other person. It’s one person total.”

Shizuo gaped as the raven’s smile turned into one he knew well. It was the one Shizuo wore when he thought about Izaya in a quiet moment alone.

_He’s definitely…_

“Shizu-chan is special.”

Shizuo let a genuine smile spread across his face as Izaya’s words mirrored his own thoughts.

“Well if I knew that’s all it would take to make you smile I’d have said it sooner.” The raven laughed.

Shizuo tried and failed to hold back a blush.

“That’s because I was just thinking the same thing.” He explained defensively.

“It’s good to know that you’re special.” Izaya replied with a smirk.

He sounded so serious that Shizuo had to shove him a little, knocking him into the arm of the couch.

“You know what I mean.” He grumbled through his embarrassment.

Izaya just laughed. It was a sound Shizuo thought he could get addicted to. Not cruel or mocking, just, happy.

“Izaya’s special.” The blond murmured.

Izaya stopped laughing to look at Shizuo, then quickly looked away.

“Eat your sushi.” Izaya said. Leading by example and slipping a morsel into his own mouth.

His eyes still felt heavy but Shizuo grinned at the slight blush tinting Izaya’s cheeks. The blond did as he was told.

By the time they finished their sushi Shizuo was feeling much better. His eyes hardly felt puffy at all and Izaya’s presence and fearless teasing made him feel like less of a monster.

“Ah that was good.” Izaya said, stretching his arms up and looping them back to dangle behind the couch.

“Yeah” Shizuo agreed, leaning back and turning his head to look at the raven. “What about your sisters?” He asked after a pause. It had been bugging him since their conversation earlier.

“What about them?” Izaya asked.

“You said I was the only one you ever tried to…” He trailed off awkwardly, not knowing how to phrase what he was saying.

“You are.” Izaya said, not waiting for him to figure out how to say it.

“Well, haven’t your sisters ever been upset before?” Shizuo clarified his question.

Izaya blinked at him. “Do I seem like the kind of brother they would come to if they were hurt?” He asked, pointing to himself in bewilderment. “Those two have each other they don’t need me.” He added, waving his hand dismissively. “Besides, if I tried to approach them they’d just get caught up in something dangerous.”

Shizuo eyed the raven for a minute.                   

“You didn’t say you wouldn’t.” He noted curiously.

Izaya narrowed his eyes then shrugged. “They hate me, so it doesn’t matter.”

 “But you love them.” Shizuo said abruptly. _So when, ‘No one I love ever loves me back’. that wasn’t just about me._ It was a suspicion he’d had for a while, now he was sure.

Izaya stared at him for a moment before turning away.

“Yes. Now do you want some cake?”

The blond paused for a moment, then let himself be distracted

 “What did you get?” Shizuo asked, glancing curiously at the box that had been taunting him for half the evening.

“I wasn’t sure what you’d like, so I got one strawberry and one chocolate.” He pulled the box closer and flipped it open. “Pick whichever you want. I’ll get some plates and forks.”

When Izaya got up and headed into the kitchen Shizuo immediately missed the other man’s warmth. His muscles tensed up again and he couldn’t keep himself from shivering. He pulled one leg up to his chest and rested his head on his arms. Trying to control his shivering before Izaya came back. He knew it hadn’t worked when he felt a light touch on his shoulder. He looked up into Izaya’s uncertain face.

“Are you ok?” The raven asked.

“Yeah” Shizuo answered, doing his best to smile. “Just a little cold is all.”

Izaya narrowed his eyes for a moment. “Got it.” He said quickly then turned on his heel.

Shizuo sat blinking on the couch until he heard clattering and water running in the kitchen.

Curious, he got up and headed into the kitchen. He found Izaya spooning cocoa powder into two mugs sitting on the counter.

“What are you doing?” Shizuo asked.

“You’re cold, you should drink something hot.” Izaya explained, “Cocoa will go well with the cake, and it’ll make you feel better.”

“How’d you know where everything was?” Shizuo wrapped his arms around the Izaya’s waist from behind, pulling him close in search of the body heat.

“Shizu-chan, you have a tiny kitchen.” The raven responded as Shizuo leaned into him. “It wasn’t hard to find.”

Shizuo rested his chin on Izaya’s shoulder “Then, how’d you get in?”

Izaya tensed.

“I used a key.” He responded carefully.

“Where’d you get the key?” Shizuo asked.

“I made a copy, when I borrowed your key.” Izaya admitted.

“I never leant you my key.” Shizuo remembered.

“I needed to lock up when I left in the middle of the night” Izaya explained, putting one hand on the counter and turning slightly to the side.

Shizuo thought for a moment, trying to remember the last time he did that.

“That long ago?” Izaya had only left like that the first time they slept together.

Izaya nodded “I didn’t really have a need for it until now.” He glanced at Shizuo. “You mad?”

Shizuo shrugged. “Not really.” He nuzzled the raven’s neck, trying to get Izaya to relax. “I am sorry though.”

Izaya turned around, pulling away with a confused frown.

“For what?”

“Not meeting you at your place.” Shizuo mumbled.

Izaya sighed briefly glancing to the side. Quickly he pulled himself up to sit on the counter, so his eyes were level with Shizuo’s.

“You did bail on me.” He said, with a cold edge to his voice. “I was thinking about what I should do about that.”

The voice he was using was harsh, but so familiar Shizuo almost smiled.

He leveled a finger at the blond’s forehead in a threatening gesture.

“Let me spend the night.” His tone was a couple degrees too warm and his smile a touch too genuine, but he sounded just like he had when he wanted to avoid a fight.

Now Shizuo did smile. It wasn’t quite the vicious grin it should have been but it came close. He placed his hands on the counter on either side of Izaya’s legs and leaned in till their faces were inches apart and the raven’s arm rested on his shoulder.

“If that’s what you want.” He growled. Feeling Izaya’s breath mingling with his own he let the tension build until it was almost tangible.

“You’ve never given in this easily before.” Izaya noted as the air between them grew hot.

“You’ve never had such an agreeable request before.” Shizuo countered, dragging out the words as his eyes were drawn to Izaya’s tongue sliding across his lips.

There was a moment of complete silence before the tension snapped like a rubber band. Izaya’s fingers clawed the back of Shizuo’s neck as the blond pulled him forward and off the counter. Shizuo stumbled back a few steps until he ran into the wall and the raven’s feet hit the ground. Shizuo didn’t hold back as their lips met. Trusting that, with Izaya, he didn’t have to.

The kiss started rough and sloppy but quickly relaxed into something softer. Their heartbeats slowed, until finally Izaya pulled away.

In the calm that surrounded them Shizuo took a breath “I’m also sorry, for crying on you.”

“No.” Izaya said, placing a finger on Shizuo’s lips. “You don’t get to apologize for that.”

Shizuo blinked in surprise, but Izaya wasn’t done.

“You needed to not be alone for that Shizu-chan.” He held Shizuo’s gaze for a moment.

It felt like Izaya was telling Shizuo he wouldn’t have to be alone ever again. Before he could figure out how to respond, a shrill whistle cut into their conversation. Izaya slipped easily out of Shizuo’s arms grabbed the kettle

“Besides,” Izaya quipped as he poured boiling water over the cocoa powder in the two mugs. “I cried first, so now we’re even.”

Shizuo didn’t know what to say to that. Wordlessly he pulled the milk from the fridge and set it on the counter just as Izaya finished stirring. The raven smirked but poured a generous portion of milk into both cups.

“Time for cake.” He said, handing Shizuo his cup.

Shizuo followed Izaya into the living room where they made themselves comfortable on the couch.

“Which cake does Shizu-chan want?” Izaya asked holding the two options in front of him.

The blond considered his options for a moment before taking the strawberry. Izaya handed him a fork before digging in to his own chocolate cake. They were silent for a while, both enjoying the sweetness and the warmth. Until Shizuo heard a low chuckle and looked up.

“You’ve got some on your face Shizu-chan.” The raven teased.

Shizuo blinked. “Where?” He asked.

With what threatened to be an infuriating smirk Izaya reached out and dragged his thumb next to Shizuo’s mouth. Pulling it back he licked the strawberry sauce and nodded.

“I was right, they do go well together.” He observed smugly.

“Do they?” Shizuo asked. “Let me see.”

Without really thinking about what he was doing Shizuo pulled Izaya in for a kiss slipping his tongue into the raven’s mouth. He was right. The taste of chocolate and strawberry mingled pleasantly on Shizuo’s tongue as Izaya returned the kiss briefly before pulling away.

“So impatient Shizu-chan.” The raven murmured settling back against the couch with a flirtatious smirk.

“Are you ever going to stop calling me that?” Shizuo asked idly.

“Nope, never.” Izaya responded cheerfully.

That gave Shizuo an idea. He switched to a better question. “Why do you call me that?”

Izaya smirked. “You’re probably not gonna like it.” He cautioned.

“Just tell me already.” Shizuo growled.

Izaya’s smirk grew.” It’s just that Shizu-chan is cute.”

Shizuo stared at him. “What?” The fact that anyone, even Izaya, would call him cute was completely baffling. It was almost unbelievable.

Shizuo moved with a speed that almost surprised himself. He shoved Izaya down on the couch. One hand on the raven’s chest, pressing him down into the cushions, the other gripping the arm of the couch above his head. 

“What part of a monster who can’t control his strength is cute?” He growled out.

Shizuo knew what he was. He knew what he deserved and someone who was that unafraid of him didn’t exist.

Izaya’s smile was unusually warm as he folded his arms behind his head.

“I guess you do like it.” He said smoothly.

Shizuo pressed down harder.

“To answer your question.” Izaya continued, unfazed. “The part that gets cold after crying is adorable. So is the part that likes strawberry cake and hot chocolate. Or the part that drinks at least one bottle of milk a day. The part that makes that goofy surprised and happy expression you’re wearing is really sweet; and the part that has no intention of hurting me right now is very cute.” The raven settled back smugly. “To name a few.”

Shizuo stared for a moment longer.

“How do you know I’m not going to hurt you?” He asked finally. He’d only just figured that out himself.

“You left my arms free,” the raven said, “and the couch isn’t broken.” He tilted his head a little. “Why do you like being called cute?”

Shizuo didn’t move his hand as he answered.

“It’s not that I like it.” He explained finally. “It’s just that no one’s ever described me as something so far removed from terrifying.”

Izaya smiled. “Out of all the words I could use to describe you, terrifying isn’t one of them.”

“You really aren’t afraid of me?” “Shizuo asked.

“I’m really not.” Izaya confirmed “So either let me up or get down here and kiss me.”

Shizuo sat back on his heels dropping his hands to his sides.

Izaya followed without hesitation, rising to his knees with a fluidity Shizuo would never tire of. He moved forward and placed his hands on Shizuo’s waist. From here Shizuo had to look up to meet his eyes.

“Don’t think that means you’re going to get out of kissing me.” Izaya murmured as he brought their lips together.

Shizuo kissed him back. Letting Izaya pull their bodies together and completely dominate the kiss. The taste of strawberry and chocolate still lingered in their mouths, but the taste of Izaya was stronger. Shizuo couldn’t get enough. It didn’t take long for Izaya’s hands to move to the fastenings of Shizuo’s clothes. Fingers quickly met flesh, sending tremors across Shizuo’s skin with light, tantalizing touches.

“Shizu-chan” The raven murmured as the blond slid his hands up the raven’s back “It’s going to be a long night.”

“Good.” Shizuo answered before pulling him in for another kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you have it, more adorableness... I hope... Things are going to get interesting in the next chapter though. As always let me know what you think! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, and sorry again for the long delay


	7. Messed Up

When Izaya woke he couldn’t figure out where he was. There was a weight on his chest and his back was strangely warm. He opened his eyes to find he wasn’t in his room.

_That’s right..._ He remembered with a smile. He rolled over to find the beast sleeping next to him. With one arm over Izaya’s chest and the other hooked behind his head like a pillow. Izaya placed a hand on Shizuo’s bare chest, feeling it rise and fall slowly in the rhythm of sleep.

“My monster.” He whispered and let his hand slide over to the left side of Shizu-chan’s chest. Feeling the steady heartbeat in the palm of his hand, Izaya smiled. “I love you Shizu-chan.” The heartbeat on his hand spiked, suddenly beating twice as fast. Izaya’s eyes shot up to find the beast watching him.

“How long have you been awake?” Izaya asked.

Shizuo blushed. “Long enough.” He mumbled.

Izaya smiled and traced Shizuo’s lips with his thumb. He pulled his hand away and pressed a quick kiss to Shizuo’s lips before rolling out of the bed. As he stood his knees buckled a little. Before he could stumble into steadiness an arm snaked around his waist. Pulling him back to sit between Shizuo’s legs. Shizuo nestled his face in the crook of his neck, breathing deeply.

_He really is a bloodhound._

“You ok?” Shizuo asked. “I should have held back last night, sorry.”

“Oh please.” Izaya said. “If you ever try I will stab you.”

Shizuo snorted “Yeah, you probably would.”

“Mmm” Izaya hummed before reaching behind him and tangling his fingers in Shizuo’s hair for a long slow kiss.

Shizuo leaned against Izaya’s back and pulled him closer.

“Do you want to take a shower?” Shizuo asked casually.

Izaya chuckled deep in his throat. “Is that an offer or an invitation?” He asked teasingly.

Without waiting for a response Izaya slipped out of Shizuo’s arms to lean against the bedroom door.

“You coming?” He challenged.

The way Shizuo’s eyes devoured him made Izaya’s blood run hot, drawing a smile to his lips. When Shizuo moved to stand from the bed Izaya turned and sauntered to the bathroom, feeling the blond’s eyes on him every step of the way. Far too soon and not fast enough the shower was running and the two lovers were soaking under the spray.

 

After an exceptionally long shower, in which not all the steam was from the hot water, Izaya and Shizuo were drinking coffee.

Izaya enjoyed the warmth of the moment as he teased Shizu-chan about the copious amounts of cream and sugar the blond was putting in perfectly good coffee. Shizuo was grumbling a response when the doorbell rang. Both men tensed, glancing at each other. Without a sound Izaya went to the door. Looking through the peephole he saw a yellow helmet, and shadowy clothes. Annoyed he turned to find Shizuo had followed him to the entrance.

“I’ll be in the bedroom.” He murmured before brushing past the blond.

He was grateful that the bedroom door clicked shut before he heard Shizuo’ casual greeting to the dulahan.

“Hey Celty, what’s up?”

There was a pause as Celty typed a response.

“Sure, come in.” Shizuo said finally.

Footsteps were heard then another pause.

“Why would you think that?” Izaya could clearly hear the confusion in Shizuo’s voice, he wondered if Celty heard it too.

“Yeah, I did.” Shizuo said after another pause. “But that’s not unusual.”

Pause.

“Oh I broke my phone.”

Pause.

“Yeah, but how did you know?”

Pause.

“Oh.”

Pause.

“Yeah, but…”

Pause.

“What does the flea have to do with this?”

Izaya perked up. _Me? Now that’s interesting._ He glanced briefly at the door. _Don’t sound so happy to be talking about me. She’ll realize something’s up._

“Yeah, we’ve been fighting a lot but, well…”

_Don’t you dare tell her._

“I guess if he’s picking fights with me then I know where he is. I don’t think he’s planning anything right now.”

Izaya relaxed against the door, Celty would probably buy that. It was almost true anyway. He wasn’t planning anything sinister at least.

“Yeah thanks for checking up on me.”

Izaya waited.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Nothing going on.”

Izaya could practically feel Shizuo glance towards the bedroom.

There was a longer pause this time and Izaya thought she might be about to leave until Shizuo spoke again.

“Oh, I just had a visitor, they left. Just before you got here.”

Izaya froze, he’d left his coffee in the kitchen. It seemed like Celty was satisfied with that because the conversation moved on and soon Shizuo was ushering the dulahan out of his apartment.

Izaya waited until he heard the front door close before slipping out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. There he leaned against the counter to drink his coffee. Silence reigned in the apartment for a few minutes. Finally Shizuo spoke.

“You didn’t have to hide you know.”

Izaya looked up from his coffee. “So you had an explanation for why I was in your apartment placidly drinking coffee?”

The question came out more spiteful than he intended but he didn’t try to correct it.

“We could have told her.” Shizuo suggested.

Izaya felt his chest tighten. Did Shizu-chan not realize what would happen if they did that?

“No.” He said simply.

“Izaya, it’s just Celty.” Shizuo pressed. “If we asked her not to tell anyone I’m sure she’ll keep quiet.”

“I said no Shizu-chan.” The raven snarled harshly. “We aren’t telling anyone.”

“But…”

“Shizu-chan!” The blond looked up at the sharp tone of his voice. Izaya glared but Shizuo didn’t relent.

“Why not?” He asked.

Izaya took a breath, he didn’t know how to explain in a way Shizuo would understand.

“The more people who know, the more people are likely to find out.” Izaya explained one of his secondary reasons.

“Shinra already knows.” Shizuo countered. “It’s only a matter of time before she finds out.”

Izaya just grit his teeth and stared the blond down.

“We have to tell Celty eventually.” Shizuo said.

“Not any time soon.” Izaya snapped, moving away from the counter.

“Why not?” Shizuo asked, frustration mounting as he unconsciously loomed over Izaya.

“Because I don’t want to see the way she’ll look at you.” The raven snarled viciously.

It was Shizuo who stepped back first. His expression softening but still confused.

“What do you mean?” The blond asked.

Izaya sighed, letting the tension leave his body with his breath.

“She’s your friend.” He said finally. “She respects you. If she finds out you’re dating me, she wont anymore.”

Izaya studied his coffee as he finished speaking. He didn’t know how Shizu-chan would look at him and he didn’t want to know.

For a little while neither of them said anything. Izaya could feel Shizuo’s eyes on him but he refused to look up.

_At least he’s not trying to deny it._

“Then change it.” Shizuo said finally.

That did make Izaya look up to glare.

“Oh, and I suppose it’s just that simple is it?” He hissed.

“Why not?” Shizuo asked. “If you’re that worried that you won’t tell her then…”

“And what exactly am I supposed to be changing?” Izaya demanded.

_I knew it couldn’t stay this way._ He reminded himself, trying not to get angry and failing miserably. _I knew I would have to do something if I’m going to keep my monster. I knew that but…_

He hadn’t known it would hurt this much.

_To hear him say it. For Shizu-chan to change the tune he’s been singing for two months. For him to make those words conditional._

It hurt.

“Do you want me to stop playing with those high schoolers?” He took a confrontational step forward. “Maybe I should tell Celty where her head is? Shinra would just love that. He’s known longer than me!”

“Izaya.” Shizuo said sharply, taking his own step forward.

The raven refused to stop.

“Is it maybe that you want me to quit my job? Oh I know.” He took one more step forward until they were inches apart. “You want me to stop our chases.”

Shizuo wrapped his arms around Izaya and kissed him forcefully. It was rough, unpleasantly so. It was clear Shizuo was trying to shut him up. Get him to calm down so the blond could get a word in edgewise. Izaya would not be placated so easily.

Pulling his knife he pressed it to the blond’s throat with enough force to make Shizuo back away.

“Should I tremble in fear and submit to you like everyone else?” He hissed viciously. It wasn’t fair. He knew it wasn’t, but he couldn’t stop himself. “Sorry Shizu-chan, that’s never going to happen.”

Hurt flashed across Shizuo’s face. He turned away and Izaya pocketed his knife.

“That’s not..” The blond started, turning his head but not looking all the way over his shoulder.

“I’m going home.” Izaya cut him off. “I have to get to work and so do you.”

He didn’t wait for Shizuo to turn around before escaping to the door. Shizuo had time to say his name before Izaya closed the thin barrier between them. Cutting off whatever the blond was saying.

Slipping into his coat Izaya stepped down the stairs. As he stuck his hands in his pockets he let out a heavy breath and headed for Shinjuku. Already thinking up excuses to avoid Ikebukuro for a few days.

 

* * *

 

Shizuo turned around as he heard the door open.

“Izaya I love you.”

The door closed on his words, he wasn’t sure if the raven hadn’t heard him or just hadn’t cared. Either way he was gone and Shizuo was left with a sour taste.

“He doesn’t get it.” His fist fell forcefully to his side. “Damnit neither do I.”

_Why would he say that?_ Shizuo looked down to see his counter split in two, and the contents of his cupboards exposed. _Have I really made him think I would want him to be afraid of me?_

Shizuo gripped the broken edge of the counter and ripped it off, sending it flying to the other side of the room. He looked at his hands and all the energy drained from his body. He couldn’t even chase after the flea. If he did he could only try to force Izaya to listen. Even if that would work, it wasn’t what Shizuo wanted.

Sighing he went to his bedroom to get the rest of his uniform. Izaya was right. He did have to get to work.

As he headed out Shizuo thought about what he could say to Izaya, so the raven would understand. Shizuo didn’t want him to change. He loved Izaya. It terrified him because Shizuo wasn’t sure there was anything Izaya could do that would make him not want to be with the raven. He just wanted Izaya to change the way Celty looked at him. Shizuo didn’t mind if Celty saw him a little differently after she found out he was dating Izaya. He was sure it would take her time to adjust to the idea. She would still be his friend. Izaya seemed to care more than usual about this though. Maybe Shizuo should talk to Shinra about it. Ask the brunet to talk to Celty about Izaya, give her a better opinion of the raven.

Shizuo was still thinking when he met Tom for work. He Continued to think throughout the day. Tom seemed a bit worried about him but let Shizuo dodge any questions on what was bothering him. By the time evening rolled around Shizuo hadn’t come up with anything useful. He decided that he should leave Izaya alone for a little while. If the raven hadn’t shown up in a couple of days Shizuo would find him and hopefully Izaya would be ready to listen. With that in mind Shizuo headed home. Hoping that he wouldn’t make a mess of things. He didn’t want to screw everything up even more than he already had.

 

That night Shizuo’s dreams were filled with Izaya’s angry, almost hurt, expression. Shizuo woke feeling anxious and unrested. The day dragged on and so did the next. Izaya hadn’t shown up and on the third day Shizuo had resolved to go see him as soon as work was over. The blond waved goodbye to Tom and headed straight for Shinjuku. He only made it a few blocks before he was stopped by a group of thugs stepping in front of him in an alley.

Shizuo didn’t have time for this. These weren’t normal idiots looking for a fight to prove how tough they were. They were older than him and looked like they might work for the Yakuza or something. Shizuo didn’t want to get involved. He stepped to the side, intending to go around them. Unfortunately the thugs stepped to the side to continue blocking his way.

“Seems our boss wants to talk to a monster.” The man I the front said calmly when Shizuo stopped walking.

A vein popped in Shizuo’s forehead at the use of the name.

“Well I don’t want to talk to your boss.” He growled.

_I want to talk to Izaya before I screw everything up._

“You don’t need to talk.” The thug said calmly. “You just need to come with us quietly.”

“Not gonna happen.” Shizuo said shortly, shouldering his way past the group.

“Hey,” one of the thugs said, grabbing Shizuo’s shoulder as he stepped by.

Shizuo spun with a wordless growl, smashing his fist into the man’s chest. He flew backwards and Shizuo glared at the rest of the group. Once they’d all taken a step backwards Shizuo turned to leave. As he was walking away he felt a sting in the back of his neck. He slapped what he expected to be a bug. Instead he found some kind of dart. It looked like they were trying to drug him.

“You bastards.” Shizuo yelled turning back to the group of thugs. He felt another sting in his shoulder but ignored it. He threw the first thug he could reach into the wall before he started feeling dizzy. The world was spinning as he slammed his fist into another thug’s face. A few moments later his shoulder hit something hard. He saw feet and realized he was on the ground. Shizuo got to his hands and knees but couldn’t rise any further. So he grabbed the nearest ankle and flung it behind him. He felt another sting as his arms gave out and his face hit the pavement.

_I need to see Izaya._ Was the last thought that flashed through his mind before the world went dark.


	8. Get Him Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, here's the next chapter. I've decided that I'm going to try and write shorter (overall) chapters more frequently rather than longer chapters less frequently. So here you go.

For the next few days Izaya was in a foul mood. He completely avoided Ikebukuro but he couldn’t stop thinking about Shizu-chan. He knew he would have to face the blond eventually and he would need to be ready to apologize when he did. Izaya knew that Shizuo didn’t want Izaya to be afraid of him. He knew that he needed to change. Izaya was even trying to change, but it would take time. Izaya wanted to apologize and explain that he was just afraid. He was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to change fast enough for Shizu-chan to continue loving him.

But apologizing was something Izaya didn’t do very often, never really. Consequentially when Izaya had calmed down he continued to avoid Ikebukuro for another day on the grounds that he had no idea how to approach Shizu-chan. Finally, on the fourth day, he decided that the best way to apologize would be to give him what they both wanted. A chase. Once he got Shizu-chan alone he could apologize with words. First he needed to prove that he would never be afraid.

 

With that in mind Izaya slipped a few extra knives into his pockets and headed to Ikebukuro. He arrived a little earlier than usual so he headed to Shizu-chan’s workplace. There he waited on the roof of the building across the street. When Shizu-chan got back he would find Izaya here and then the raven could apologize. If Shizu-chan didn’t come and find him Izaya could approach the beast when he left for home. It wasn’t long before Izaya saw Tom approach the building. He perked up and stepped to the edge of the building, searching the street for Shizu-chan. His beast was nowhere to be seen. Izaya narrowed his eyes.  Shizu-chan should be here. He waited until Tom left the building again before deciding that Shizu-chan hadn’t shown up for work today. Izaya turned away and quickly climbed down from the rooftop, heading for Shizu-chan’s apartment.

The beast wasn’t there either. Izaya let himself in and perched on the back of the couch while he quickly checked the online message boards. There had been no mention of fights involving Shizuo Heiwajima all day.

“Damn.” Izaya cursed quietly to himself. “How am I supposed to apologize if I don’t know where you are. Stupid monster.”

He pulled his feet up to the back of the couch to think about what he would do next. Shizu-chan might be avoiding him, but that didn’t make a whole lot of sense. He should still have to go to work and would spend more time at home then out in the city, where he might run into Izaya on accident. Shizu-chan had to be somewhere and Izaya would find him. As he was getting up to leave the apartment Izaya’s phone rang. He glanced at the caller ID and narrowed his eyes. Why was Loretto calling him now?

“Hello?” He answered after a couple of rings.

“Izaya, hello.” Loretto said cheerfully on the other end. “I have a job for you.”

“I thought I made it clear I won’t be taking any more jobs from you.” Izaya said tersely.

“You could certainly turn this one down.” Loretto admitted easily. “But if you do I can’t guarantee what’ll happen to Shizuo Heiwajima. We’ve got him here now.”

The blood drained from Izaya’s face and he struggled to keep his voice calm as he spoke.

“Why should I care what happens to that monster?” He asked, sounding as offended as he could. “Besides it’s impossible to keep Shizu-chan somewhere he doesn’t want to be.”

 Loretto chuckled darkly. “I’ll admit it was more difficult than I’d imagined to capture him.” He said “I’m honestly not certain he’s going to wake up. Of course, if you’ve got no interest I can guarantee he won’t.”

Izaya took a deep breath as quietly as he could. Loretto had called his bluff. Izaya didn’t know where Shizu-chan was, which meant there was a chance Loretto was telling the truth.

“If you really have him, I’ll need proof that he’s alive.” He said calmly. Loretto was a brute, there was no telling what he would do to Shizu-chan if Izaya didn’t cooperate.

“I’ll send a picture and an address.” Loretto said. “Be there in half an hour, I’ll give you the details of the job. You’ll be able to see Shizuo there too.”

Izaya didn’t trust his voice to speak. He hung up and waited for the message. When it came Izaya grit his teeth. Shizu-chan was bleeding heavily from a cut on his forehead, he was unconscious and chained to a post in what looked like a warehouse. His uniform was ruined and there was a bruise on his jaw. Izaya felt rather than heard the snarl leave his throat as panic welled in his chest. They had to have hit Shizu-chan hard to get him to bruise like that. He ripped out his personal phone. Frantically scrolling through his short list of contacts, he quickly arrived at the right one. Hitting the call button Izaya held the phone up to his ear. The phone rang a few times before there was a click and a chipper voice answered.

“Orihara kun what’s up? It’s rare for you to call me.”

“Shizu-chan’s in trouble.” Izaya said curtly, skipping past the social niceties he never liked anyway. “I’m going to get him out. You and the courier meet me at your place in an hour and a half. I need your help.” His tone left no room for argument.

“Well I’m not busy.” Shinra admitted, for once not arguing. “And Celty should be back by then.”

“Good.” Izaya said and hung up quickly before Shinra could change his mind.

He looked down to see his hand gripping the back of the couch was white at the knuckles.

 _If I were Shizu-chan it would be broken._ He thought with a small smile. _I’m going to get him back._

 

Fifteen minutes later Izaya sat on a rooftop across from the warehouse where Loretto was keeping Shizu-chan. His feet dangled off the building and he held a pair of binoculars to his eyes, looking through the windows to see what kind of force Loretto brought. From this vantage point he couldn’t calculate the severity of Shizu-chan’s injuries but his beast was definitely there. Izaya took his time, watching the movements of the men in the warehouse. There were two outside watching the entrance and five inside, including Loretto. They kept sharp eyes on Shizu-chan, clearly on edge. Izaya was mildly insulted. Did Loretto really think that seven men would be enough to force Izaya into submission? Still, Shizu-chan was unconscious. Izaya couldn’t carry him to Shinra’s on his own.

The raven waited. The appointed time came and went and Izaya watched. Loretto’s movements became increasingly agitated with Izaya’s continued absence. Finally, about fifteen minutes after Izaya was supposed to be there Loretto struck one of his men. Izaya smiled, that was his cue.

He easily slipped off the building and strode confidently up to the warehouse. The two men at the entrance stepped to block his way.

“Hello gentlemen.” Izaya quipped mockingly. “Your boss want to see me. So you may as well let me pass.”

The two men just glared at Izaya then glanced at each other. One of them gestured with his chin and the other nodded.

“Follow me.” He growled, throwing Izaya another glare.

“What a wonderful vocabulary.” Izaya noted with a sardonic smile, following the man inside.

Loretto looked up when they entered the warehouse.

“You’re late.” He growled accusingly when he saw Izaya.

The raven smiled calmly at him. Letting his eyes sweep the warehouse, careful not to linger any longer on Shizu-chan then he did anywhere else.

“I got held up.” Izaya replied with a smirk, lilting his voice as he spoke. “Some business to take care of.”

Loretto was simple minded enough to believe that if Izaya was going to go against him the raven would have done it in the extra fifteen minutes he’d taken to get there. Izaya was going to use that.

“If you had been much later I was going to kill this monster here.” Loretto said harshly.

Izaya’s eyes narrowed slightly. It was starting to make him angry when others used that nickname. He wasn’t worried the Italian would have made good on the threat, not yet anyway. He needed Shizu-chan alive if he wanted Izaya to cooperate.

“Good thing I got here when I did then.” He said idly. “You had a job for me?”

“I do.” Loretto confirmed. “this is for you.” He handed Izaya a folder from atop an old crate “I need these people killed by the end of the week.”

“Then hire a hitman.” Izaya remarked as he opened the file. “Why call me?”

“No one would take the job.” Loretto admitted.

Izaya could see why. The Awakusu had a lot of power in this town and the folder contained profiles on three of their more powerful members. Put that together with Izaya having sold all the information he had on Loretto as fast as he could, pretty soon every lowlife in Ikebukuro would be after the Italian.

“So, what? You want me to introduce you to someone who will do it?” Izaya asked. This could get complicated.

“No.” Loretto responded. “I want you to get it done.”

“I don’t kill people.” Izaya said coldly. He had no interest in ending the lives of his humans directly, that was just boring. Besides, Shizu-chan wouldn’t like it.

“Then hire someone.” Loretto snapped. “I don’t care how you do it, just get them killed. Once their dead you can have your monster back.”

For the first time since walking into the warehouse Izaya looked directly at Shizu-chan. He looked at the blood crusting over his eyelid and the dark purple bruise on his jaw. His clothes were a mess and there was blood seeping through the fabric in at least three places. Izaya could guess that his torso was covered in even more bruises.

“I’ll do it.” He said finally. “But I’ll need to know he’ll be alive when it’s done.”

“You can’t just trust my word?” Loretto asked sarcastically.

Izaya didn’t even dignify that with a glare. “You can start by telling how you knocked him unconscious.”

“Oh that was easy.” Loretto laughed. “We just shot him up with tranquilizer.”

Izaya raised an eyebrow. “That worked?” Shizu-chan shouldn’t have gone down that easily.

“Well we did have to give him about triple the dose we expected.” Loretto admitted viciously. “And we’ve dosed him again every couple of hours since. At this point there’s probably enough tranquilizer in his system to down a small elephant.”

Izaya held his anger in. He compressed it, folded it up and set it to the side. He would set it to a slow burn and use it to annihilate Loretto once Shizuo was out of danger.

_No one hurts my Shizu-chan._

“I want to see him again tonight,” Izaya said, “and tomorrow morning. This job will take a couple of days. I see Shizu-chan mornings and nights until it’s done. I’ll let you know when I’ve finished.”

Loretto’s eyes widened at the demand. “You really do care about this monster. I knew they were lying when they told me you hated each other.”

Izaya just stared at him until the Italian nodded.

“Mornings and nights, agreed. We’ll be here at nine thirty.”

“One last thing.” Izaya said, turning his gaze back to Shizuo. “Who hit him?”

“What?” Loretto asked.

Izaya spread his hands in a peaceful gesture and smiled at the Italian. “The bruise on his jaw.” He explained. “I just want to know who gave it to him.”

Loretto pointed at one of the men by Shizuo. “Him.” He said simply.

Before the word was out of Loretto’s mouth Izaya was darting forward. He grabbed the man’s hand and stabbed into the center. With one quick motion Izaya pulled his knife towards himself, effectively cutting the man’s hand in half between the middle and ring fingers.

It was over before anyone could react. The man screamed in pain, Izaya was cleaning his blade and slipping his knife into his pocket. He turned to leave the building but paused when he reached the entrance, turning back he surveyed the room one last time.

“You really did catch yourself a monster Loretto.” He said, glancing at Shizu-chan again. He hated leaving his beast here. Especially when he looked that defenseless. Izaya _would_ get him out. “I’d be careful.” He looked back at Loretto. “There’s no telling what a monster will do when it’s angry.”

Izaya headed for Shinra’s. Leaving Loretto’s men grumbling in his wake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you that don't remember Loretto is an Italian smuggler who's trying to set up an operation in Ikebukuro.... I made him up because I wanted someone that I can get rid of if I want.  
> So there you have it I hope you liked it. As always let me know what you thought!


	9. A Favor

After the warehouse Izaya had one more stop to make before he went to Shinra’s. There was someone else he needed. He took a stab at guessing where they might be and headed for sunshine sixty.

He saw the van first. Approaching he found it empty. Wanting a better vantage point Izaya stepped easily onto the guardrail, then the hood from there he stepped to the roof of the van. He scanned the area till he saw Dotachin and Saburo coming out of a convenience store. He sat down on the van to wait. A moment later Saburo noticed him.

“Oi” Saburo yelled. “Watch the van. Get off my van!”

“Hello Dotachin.” Izaya quipped. “I need a favor.” He opened the picture of Shizu-chan on his phone.

“Are you asking for help?” Kadota asked incredulously.

“I’m not asking.” Izaya said tossing his phone to Kadota and jumping down after.

Kadota looked at the phone then back to Izaya. “Did you do this?” He asked.

“Does it matter?” Izaya smirked. “Do what I say and Shizu-chan will come back alive.”

Kadota stared at him for a long moment before nodding agreement. “What do you need?”

“I need the van.” Izaya said before looking at Saburo. “With you driving it of course.”

The two men nodded and Izaya let himself into the back of the vehicle. He didn’t know where Erika and Walker were but this was for the best. The less people involved the better.

“Where to?” Saburo asked from the driver’s seat.

“Shinra’s first.” Izaya said. He looked out the window as the van started to move.

_I’m going to save you Shizu-chan. I’ve already got your friends together and we’re going to get you out of there. No matter what it takes I’m going to save you._

Finally, they reached Shinra’s apartment. Izaya slipped out of the van and headed straight for the elevator. Saburo and Dotachin trailing behind him.

He reached Shinra’s door and was greeted by the excitable doctor.

“Orihara-kun, so what’s going on?” He asked as he let them in, sparing a glance for a confused Kadota and Saburo.

“Shizu-chan’s in trouble. We’re going to get him out.” Izaya said as he brushed into the apartment.

“You said that.” Shinra commented as he followed Izaya. “But what kind of trouble is he in? What do you need me and Celty…” He cut off when Izaya handed him the picture of Shizu-chan. “Oh.” He said simply. “What did they…?”

“Tranquilizer.” Izaya cut him off again. “They said it was enough to down a small elephant.”

Shinra’s eyes went wide. “That didn’t kill him?”

“Not yet.” Izaya snarled. “Will he be ok?”

“I don’t know.” Shinra admitted. “It’s Shizuo so he might be just fine, but he hasn’t built up an immunity to drugs like he has other things.”

“How do I wake him up?” Izaya asked.

“Well ideally you would bring him to me and I would put him on an IV drip until the drugs were out of his system.” Shinra explained. “If you need him awake sooner than that you could try adrenaline. That might kill him though.”

“What?” Izaya hissed grabbing Shinra by the collar. “You want me to stick needles in him when you don’t know what it will do?”

Suddenly black shadows wrapped around his wrists. Pulling him away from Shinra.

“Celty!” The doctor exclaimed immediately running past Izaya to attempt to hug the dulahan. Celty ignore him and stormed up to Izaya. Typing quickly on her phone.

[Don’t you _ever_ hurt Shinra!]

He could practically hear her yelling. Well, if he knew what her voice sounded like he could. Izaya just smirked.

“Does he look hurt to you?” He glanced at Shinra who was being pulled away from Celty by a black shadow attached to his cheek.

Celty shook her head vigorously, typing something else.

[That doesn’t matter] She kept typing as Izaya tilted his head curiously. [What did you do to Shizuo?]

“What exactly are you talking about?” Izaya asked peevishly.

[He hasn’t been seen since yesterday and he isn’t at his apartment.]

“You finally noticed.” Izaya snorted “Well I didn’t do anything.” He added when Celty pulled her phone back.

[You’ve been fighting with him way too often in the last couple of months] She accused. [You had to have done something.]

Izaya’s throat tightened. That’s what she’d been saying to Shizu-chan.

“I didn’t touch Shizu-chan.” He snarled, ripping away from the shadows. “But you’re going to help me get him back.”

[You know where he is?] Celty asked, then immediately after. [Why would you help him?]

Izaya showed her Shizu-chan’s condition. “Because the only person allowed to hurt Shizu-chan this badly is me.”

[How do I know it wasn’t you who did this?]

The raven shrugged. “Believe what you want, but do you think if I had Shizu-chan unconscious I would let him live?”

Celty paused. [Fine. I’ll help.] She typed some more. [But only because you would kill him in a heartbeat if you had the chance.]

_You’re wrong_ Izaya thought as he smirked at her. _I would never kill Shizu-chan. But if believing that will make you help me then that’s fine._

“Good.” Was all Izaya said to Celty. He looked at Shinra. “Get me the adrenaline.”

“But you said…” Shinra started.

“It’s the only way.” Izaya snapped.

Shinra shrugged and headed for his supplies.

Izaya sighed and turned toward the window. This wasn’t like him. He should be directing them from afar, giving them subtle nudges to get them where he wanted. Instead he was pleading and threatening like some common street thug. It didn’t matter. He didn’t have time to use them any other way. They needed to get to Shizu-chan now. He watched the crowds passing on the pavement.

_So many of them. No one’s noticed that the most important person is unconscious in a warehouse._

“Is that really a good idea?” Kadota asked. “Putting more dugs in his system?”

“It’s the best option.” Izaya said, turning around to lean against the window. “We can’t distract the men and move him to the van unconscious at the same time. Plus, he’s chained to a post. He’s the only one who can break that.” Izaya wasn’t used to explaining his plans in full, but this one was simple, and no one should object to it, not even Celty. She didn’t much like Loretto either.

“Alright.” Kadota said. “What’s the plan then?”

So Izaya explained. By the time Shinra came back with the adrenaline, and long-winded explanations on how much to use, Izaya was done outlining the plan.

Soon Izaya was going to get Shizu-chan back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know, I absolutely love Celty, but Celty doesn't like Izaya so if I made it seem like she's being really mean that's why. But I do love her and she's a badass and yeah...   
> Anyways, I hope you liked it! Let me know what you think, even if it's not good I want to know what you think! If I don't know what I'm doing wrong I can't fix it.


	10. Rescue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter. I hope you like it!

Eight thirty found Saburo’s van parked less than a block from Loretto’s warehouse. Izaya slipped out of the back, heading straight for the warehouse.

“Izaya.” He turned back when Kadota called after him. “Are you sure you don’t want me and Saburo to go with you? There are a lot of guys in there.”

Izaya snorted. “Don’t worry Dotachin, Celty will make sure I don’t kill Shizu-chan. They’ll get suspicious if I’m not alone.”

Kadota opened his mouth to argue but Izaya cut him off.

“Besides, we don’t know what Shizu-chan will do when he wakes up. He might attack anyone whose near him. Better if that’s only people he doesn’t like.”

“Since when do you care?” Kadota asked, making Izaya blink.

Dotachin was one of the few people Izaya could stand to be around, of course he cared. But, well, Kadota didn’t need to know that.

“Shizu-chan wouldn’t like it.” The raven smirked. “He’d be in a bad mood if he thought I’d made him hurt his friends.”

Before Kadota could say more Izaya was heading for the warehouse again. He had to save Shizu-chan, that didn’t mean his friends had to get hurt in the process.

Izaya was greeted at the entrance by the same two guards that had been there this afternoon. No words were exchanged and the same one led him into the building.

Shizuo was chained to the same post as before. They’d lowered him so he was seated on the floor, with his legs spayed out in front of him and his back against the post. Loretto looked up from a conversation with one of his men.

“You’re early.” He said shortly.

“I thought I’d make up for my previous tardiness.” This time Izaya walked straight to Shizu-chan. Crouching he gently ran his fingers over the blond’s cheek, careful to avoid the bruises. He rested their foreheads together, covering the movement of his hand as he pressed a small syringe into Shizuo’s neck.

“I guess you just missed having your ass pounded by a monster that much.” Loretto commented with an obscene laugh.

Standing Izaya stepped away from Shizu-chan. Shinra had said it might take a little time to kick in and he should give Shizuo a couple of minutes before applying a second dose.

Forcing his anger at Shizu-chan’s treatment into a pit at the bottom of his stomach made Izaya want to vomit. But he smiled over his shoulder. It wasn’t a nice smile, but it was a smile.

“What do you think makes a person a monster?” He asked pleasantly.

“The hell kind of question is that?” Loretto snapped, obviously annoyed at the lack of response his goading received.

“A relatively simple one.” Izaya told him. “Not nearly as complicated as it sounds.” The raven tilted his head and studied Shizuo’s face before turning around. “A monster is simply someone who is different.” He explained “Different in a way that humans can’t understand. So they label a person ‘monster’.” Izaya walked casually past Loretto and stepped onto one of the old crates. “Of course, some people say what really makes a monster is the ability to hurt others without remorse.” Izaya gave Loretto his most disarming smile. “In that respect it’s impossible for Shizu-chan to be a monster.”

Loretto just stared at Izaya in confusion. Izaya stepped down from the crate and sauntered back to Shizu-chan.

“That leads me to another question.” He said kneeling to trail his hand up Shizuo’s arm. “Can a monster be controlled?”

“We’ve got this one controlled pretty well.” Loretto snapped.

“You do seem to.” Izaya murmured as he pushed another syringe into Shizuo’s neck before standing again. “But that’s not what I meant. Say you wanted to make a monster do your bidding?” Shizuo stirred. His head turning as his eyes started to flutter.

_I just have to buy a little more time._

“You could find the person they love. Hold them hostage.” Izaya turned to Loretto. “Do you think that would make a monster do what you wanted?”

“Izaya.” Shizu-chan’s coarse voice was groggy and confused.

Izaya grinned. _He’s up._

“Well if you think that you think that you are entirely wrong.”

He whipped back around to kneel in front of Shizuo.

“Shizu-chan there are chains on your wrists and I need you to break them.” He said firmly.

“Are you afraid of me?” Shizuo asked hazily.

“Never.” Izaya told him without hesitation.

The blond nodded and moved his arms. The thin chain broke with almost no visible effort.

“Good.” Izaya said, grabbing Shizuo’s now free arm and pulling it over his shoulder.

“What’s going on?” Shizuo asked, leaning heavily on Izaya as they stood.

“The buildings coming down.” Izaya responded as Loretto’s men moved to block their path.

Moments later black smoke shot from the entrance. It wrapped around two of the support beams. Loretto’s men screamed and ran, leaving Izaya free to half carry Shizu-chan to the entrance. As they stepped outside half of the building collapsed and Celty came running up to them.

“Celty’s going to take you to Shinra’s” Izaya told the blond as the courier pulled his arm over her shoulder. “Everything is going to be alright.” He added, making sure they were steady before reluctantly dropping his hand from Shizuo’s arm.

Shizuo looked at him in confusion. “Why are you helping me?”

 The bottom dropped out of Izaya’s stomach. What was that supposed to mean? He looked at Celty without answering Shizuo’s question.

“Dotachin is waiting with the van. Get him to Shinra now.” He snapped.

Celty started typing and quickly showed Izaya before he could turn to leave.

[What about you?] She asked him.

Izaya smirked. “I have some business to take care of.” Without giving her a chance to say more Izaya headed for the warehouse. Loretto was still in there. There was no way Izaya was letting him get away with this.

* * *

 

Izaya was acting weird. Kadota tried to pinpoint it as he waited in the van with Saburo. For one thing, Izaya never asked for help, not even in that twisted demanding way he’d gone about it today. If Kadota didn’t know better he’d have thought the raven was panicking. It made him wonder about the conversation he’d had with Shizuo two months ago. The blond had told Kadota that he’d kissed Izaya. Shizuo had been confused and trying to figure out why. Kadota hadn’t heard anything since and the two had been fighting more than ever in the past two months. He’d just figured they had been pretending nothing happened, or maybe Izaya turned Shizuo down. Looking at Izaya now though, it didn’t seem like that’s what was going on.

There was a loud crashing sound from the direction Izaya had gone, making the pair in the van start and look at each other.

“Let’s go.” Kadota said. “There could be trouble.”

Saburo nodded and the van took off. They screeched to a halt in front of a half destroyed warehouse. Celty was heading toward them leading a dazed looking Shizuo who was depending heavily on her for support. Izaya was nowhere to be seen. Kadota jumped out of the van and pulled Shizuo’s other arm over his shoulder, allowing Celty to step back and start typing.

[We need to get him to Shinra.] She said quickly. [He’s not looking good.]

“Right” Kadota agreed. “What about Izaya?”

[He went back in. It looked like he was going to fight them.]

Kadota and Shizuo both looked towards the warehouse.

[I wouldn’t worry about it.] Celty said.

“But Izaya…” Shizuo mumbled groggily.

[Those thugs deserve whatever he’s going to do!] Celty typed emphatically. [And on the off chance that they get him instead then you don’t have to deal with him anymore.]

Kadota watched as Shizuo’s eyes went wide. The blond shoved himself off Kadota, knocking him to the ground, and headed straight for the warehouse. His first few steps were wavering and unsteady but they quickly gained confidence and soon he was running into the half destroyed building.

Kadota glanced at Celty and Saburo as he got to his feet. In silent agreement the three of them dashed after Shizuo into the warehouse. They arrived just in time to see Izaya getting hit on the back of the head. He went down hard. About six men surrounded him presumably intending to exact vengeance. Kadota stepped forward, intending to get Izaya out but suddenly Shizuo was there.

He grabbed the first heavy object at hand and flung it at the man who had hit Izaya. Moments later Izaya was shaking his head groggily and getting to his feet. Kadota searched for an opportunity to get him out as Shizuo started towards his next target. But most of the men decided Izaya was an easier target and rushed him together. Izaya took a few shaky steps backwards. As the thugs following menacingly one of them stepped directly into the flying body of their comrade.

Kadota blinked. The foxlike grin on Izaya’s face and the self-satisfied expression Shizuo wore said that hadn’t been an accident. It should be impossible for anyone to fight in the same brawl as Shizuo Heiwajima and not be collateral damage. Unless you were Izaya apparently.

Shizuo and Izaya shared a vicious grin before Izaya tripped the second thug coming after him straight into Shizuo’s fist. Watching them you’d think they had spent the last eight plus years fighting alongside each other instead of trying to kill one another. The two remaining thugs turned to run but they were to slow. Shizuo grabbed the one closest to him and flung him into the rubble on the far side of the building at the same time Izaya brought the other to the ground. For a moment Kadota thought Izaya would commence a slow torture of the man he had pinned, the look on his face spelt pain. Instead the raven just slammed the handle of his knife into the man’s temple, knocking him unconscious. Moments after Izaya was at Shizuo’s side.

“Shizu-chan are you ok?” He asked quickly.

Shizuo shook his head, staggering a little and grabbing onto Izaya for support. Izaya easily pulled the blond’s arm over his shoulder. “Stupid beast.” He growled worriedly “You need to get to Shinra. There were enough chemicals in you to kill a horse before I gave you the adrenaline.”

Kadota and Saburo rushed forward. Together they helped the two most famed enemies in Ikebukuro into the back of their van.

 

* * *

 

Izaya squeezed his arm around Shizuo’s shoulders as the van sped away from the warehouse. Shizuo’s eyes were unfocused and they darted around the van and sweat beaded on his forehead. Every now and then his muscles spasmed with a force that almost pushed Izaya away.

“Izaya.” Shizuo groaned hazily. “Where am I?” It was strange to see Shizu-chan unfocused like this, he was usually completely unfazed by injuries.

“It’s ok,” Izaya said, pulling Shizuo’s head to his shoulder. “It’s ok Shizu-chan.” The aching pain in the back of his own head was overwhelmed by the worry twisting his stomach in knots as he felt the dampness of Shizuo’s hair. “I’m taking you to Shinra’s and everything is going to be fine.”

He glanced up to see Dotachin watching them from the front seat.

“Faster.” He hissed vehemently. He didn’t want to explain. Not until he knew Shizu-chan would be alright.

To his relief Kadota just nodded. “Step on it Saburo.” He said, turning back to the front.

They weren’t far from Shinra’s apartment, but to Izaya it felt like hours before he was stepping out of Saburo’s van, carefully pulling Shizuo with him. Celty was there in a heartbeat and together they practically carried the staggering Shizuo to the elevator. No one spoke on the way up. The only sound was Shizuo’s ragged breathing. They reached the apartment and Shinra came running up to them. He directed them to a backroom where he’d set up some sort of medical equipment, presumably to flush the drugs from Shizu-chan’s system. Izaya was having trouble concentrating as he let the blond down on the bed. He was about to reluctantly move back when Shizuo grabbed his arm.

“Izaya.” He croaked harshly.

“It’s ok.” The raven crooned gently, taking Shizuo’s hand. “Shinra’s here and you’re going to be ok.”

Shizuo tightened his grip making the bones in Izaya’s had grind together painfully as his eyes focused briefly on the ravens face.

“That’s right.” Shinra said cheerfully. “As soon as Izaya gives me space to work. You’re gonna be just fine.”

Izaya took the hint. Relinquishing his grip on Shizuo’s hand and stepping back. If he’d known that would be the last time Shizuo would let Izaya touch him, Izaya would never have let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's the rescue scene. It changed a couple of times in my head but I really wanted to have at least one scene where Izaya and Shizuo fought with each other because I just think that makes for an amazing thing that needs to happen and I want to see it! So I wrote it, hope it turned out ok, as always (if you read these) let me know what you think.


	11. Waking Up

Izaya waited in Shinra’s living room. The doctor had kicked him out of the spare bedroom saying he couldn’t work with Izaya hovering. So Izaya waited. Dotachin and Saburo sat on the couch while Celty waited on one of the chairs. Izaya’s head felt foggy as he leaned against a wall, but he was too concerned about Shizu-chan to give it any mind. The room was covered in an uncomfortable silence as they all waited anxiously for Shinra.

Finally, the underground doctor came out of the back room. Izaya pushed off the wall as everyone else stood to converge on the doctor.

[How is he?] Celty quickly typed for everyone to see.

“Shizuo-kun will be fine.” Shinra said easily.

Izaya relaxed and placed himself on the back of the couch to observe the rest of the corporation. A strangely painful fuzzy feeling was vying for his attention in the back of his head.

“He’s sleeping now.” Shinra was saying. “I expect him to wake up in a couple of hours.”

“Side effects?” Izaya asked. He wanted to say more, to make himself sound disinterested and less worried. But his head was all fuzzy and his vision getting blurred. He ignored it though because Shinra was answering him.

“With Shizuo we can’t be sure.” Shinra admitted. “That much drugs in his system it could cause brain damage. Which comes with all kinds of problems, like memory loss, loss of motor skills. Hey maybe it’ll make him normal!” He got sidetracked from his tangent when he glanced at Izaya. “But never mind that, Izaya are you ok? Your head!”

“Huh?” Izaya asked, tilting his head curiously. Why was Shinra looking at him like that? The bright splotches weren’t helping his blurry vision either.

_Wait, bright splotches? Oh damn._

The bright splotches started turning dark and Izaya felt himself pitching forward before the world went dark.

 

Izaya woke up in the dark. He remembered Shizuo and sat straight up, immediately wishing he hadn’t. The world spun, and his head pounded. Izaya placed his hands on the floor and waited for the world to stop spinning while he organized the events of the last few hours in his head. He’d gotten Shizuo to Shinra’s and his beast was going to be fine, and then…

_I guess I passed out. Must have been from getting hit earlier._

Izaya’s vision stabilized and he glanced around. He was in the same room as Shizu-chan. The blond was still unconscious. Izaya slid himself over and reached his arms on the bed, watching Shizuo sleep. His breathing was slowed and even and the furrow had left his brow. He was sleeping peacefully. Good. Izaya’s eyes traveled to the already fading bruise on his jaw. The raven grit his teeth and sat back, resting his arm on his knee and narrowing his eyes as he watched his monster. Thinking about how he would make Loretto pay. Plans formed in his head and Izaya went through them one by one. Deciding the quickest most painful way to get rid of Loretto. As he was thinking Shizuo began to stir. Izaya’s eyes snapped to the movement of his hand, then back to his face to see Shizuo’s eyes drift open.

“Shizu-chan.” He said quickly. “You’re awake.”

“Izaya.” Shizuo’s voice was half groan half growl. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“Well I wasn’t gonna leave you with Loretto and his thugs.” Izaya practically snarled.

“What I would’ve expected.” Shizuo grumbled. Pushing himself into a sitting position. “This is Shinra’s”

“Yes.” Izaya hissed. Did Shizuo really think he would have done that just because they had a fight? “This is Shinra’s.”

Shizuo groaned and leaned forward, gripping his head. “What the hell did you do to me?”

“Shizu-chan I didn’t do anything.” Izaya started. “About the other day. I didn’t mean what I said, and I’m sorry for saying it.”

“What are you talking about?”

Izaya’s brain froze. Or rather, Izaya’s brain kept moving it just forgot to tell the rest of him what to do.

_‘That much drugs in his system could cause brain damage. Which comes with all kinds of problems. Like memory loss…’_

“When have you ever apologized flea?” Shizuo continued when Izaya didn’t cut in. “What did you do?”

_He doesn’t remember._ Izaya realized. _If he thinks I would do something, then he doesn’t remember that we’re…_

Izaya opened his mouth to tell Shizu-chan that they were dating. That Izaya loved him, that Izaya had gotten him away from Loretto and his thugs because Shizuo was Izaya’s boyfriend.

At the last second, he froze.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” He said instead. Izaya’s gut twisted and the words tasted like bile, but he couldn’t tell Shizu-chan the truth.

Shinra chose that moment to make an entrance.

“Oh good, you’re both up.” The underground doctor said, cheerfully sweeping into the room. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine.” Shizuo and Izaya said practically in unison. Making Izaya snort and Shizuo glare.

“His head is killing him.” Izaya informed Shinra, gesturing at Shizuo. “And he has gaps in his memory.”

“Your head?” Shinra asked, taking a step towards Shizuo.

“Well yeah.” Shizuo grumbled. “It was bad when I woke up.” He gave Izaya a quizzical look, the raven didn’t meet his eyes. “It doesn’t hurt as much now though.”

“But it does hurt?” Shinra asked, pulling out a pen and moving it slowly back and forth in front of Shizuo’s face.

The blond followed the pen with his eyes. “Not enough that I can’t bash that flea’s head in.”

“Well the headache is to be expected, and as far as I can tell you’re fine.” Shinra told him. “But what’s with talking to Izaya like that, I thought you guys…”

“Shut up Shinra.” Izaya snapped.

The brunet cut off and turned to look at him in confusion. Izaya ignored Shinra and turned his attention to Shizuo.

“There you have it.” He remarked. “You’re fine, so I didn’t do anything.”

“Of course you didn’t.” Shizuo responded almost civilly. “Which is why I remember exactly how I got here and why you’re in Ikebukuro.”

“But Shizuo...” Shinra started.

“Ah but the memory loss had nothing to do with me.” Izaya pointed out, cutting the doctor off again. “I just thought I’d do you a favor and get you out of Loretto’s grasp”

“A favor from you means a knife in the back.” Shizuo snarled just as Celty walked into the room.

“Well luckily for you, the knife isn’t in your back this time.” Izaya snapped.

“That’s not going to stop me from kicking your ass out of Ikebukuro.” Shizuo grumbled, getting to his feet.

Before Izaya could retort Celty stepped between them.

[You both need to back off!] She said emphatically. [Now just, let Shinra take a look at you and then you should go home and rest.]

“That’s a great idea Celty.” Shinra said quickly. “I’ve just checked Shizuo and he seems fine, but would you mind taking him home? He could still be a little woozy from the drugs.”

Celty paused to give him what Izaya thought might be a quizzical look.

[Are you sure he’s alright?] She asked. [What about Izaya?]

“Yeah, Shizuo’s fine.” Shinra assured her. “But he should probably sleep more before he gets into another fight. I just want to check Izaya’s head one more time before I send him home.”

Celty finally nodded, typing on her device one more time.

[I told you it was a bad idea to put them in the same room?] She said before leading Shizuo out of the apartment.

Izaya watched them leave before getting to his feet.

“My head is fine.” He told Shinra as he headed into the main room.

“I know.” Shinra admitted, following Izaya. “You’ll have a nasty bump for a little while but nothing permanent. What I’m curious about is why Shizuo was acting like you hate each other again.” He passed and softened his voice a little. “I thought things were going pretty well between you two.”

Izaya almost cringed, he must look pretty pathetic if Shinra was taking it easy on him. There was a brief pause and Shinra looked at Izaya expectantly.

“He doesn’t remember.” Izaya said finally. He turned away and stepped to the window. He could just see Shizu-chan talking to Celty briefly before getting on the back of her bike.

“Memory loss you said right?” Izaya said over his shoulder not taking his eyes off Shizuo. The blond looked up to glare at the window and Izaya smiled, as his chest panged. At least he still got a reaction.

“He doesn’t remember that you’re dating?” Shinra asked.

“Seems not.” Izaya replied. Turning away from the window when the black bike had disappeared from view, taking Shizu-chan with it.

“Well, why didn’t you tell him?”

Izaya barked out a short bitter laugh. “And what would I have told him?  ‘You confessed to your worst enemy two months ago and we’ve been dating ever since, would you stop throwing Shinra’s bed at me I’m telling you we’re madly in love and unicorns are real.’” Izaya tilted his head and looked at Shinra with mock curiosity. “Is that what you want me to tell him?”

Shinra grinned. “Madly in love?” He asked peevishly.

“Shut up.” Izaya snapped self-consciously turning back to the window. “Not anymore.”

“I don’t know.” Shinra countered.

“What do you mean?” Izaya asked sharply.

“Amnesia is usually temporary.” Shinra explained. “The drugs weren’t put in his system with the intention of wiping his memory, and they might not work even if they were.”

“What are you saying?” Izaya demanded.

Shinra shrugged casually. “He could remember in a couple of days.”

“Shizu-chan could remember?” Izaya asked.

“Probably in the next week or so.” Shinra confirmed. “But it could take as long as six months.”

“And if he doesn’t remember in six months?” Izaya asked.

“Well the longer it takes the smaller the chance that he’ll remember at all.” Shinra admitted.

“Right.” Izaya said glancing back to the window.

Shizu-chan was his monster. If there was a chance that he would remember, then he would. In the meantime, Izaya would remove any trace that Loretto had ever existed from his city.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you have it. Amnesia. For those of you who have guessed where this is going next... please don't hate me and I promise I'll make it worth your time to finish reading! For those of you who haven't figured it out yet you'll see what I mean next week.
> 
> Other than that, I hope you liked it and have enjoyed the story so far. Let me know what you think!


	12. Consequences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so here's the next chapter.  
>  **Just a warning** and very sorry I didn't have this warning sooner I wasn't sure I was going to do this yet. There will be spoilers for DurararaX2!! In this chapter. I'm going to put a note in the chapter to let you know where to stop reading and a short synopsis in the end notes on what you'll really need to know for the rest of the story so if you don't want to many spoilers you can skip through that part.

Shizuo felt broken. Something inside him had shattered and there was no way for him to put himself back together. Strangely, it felt familiar. Like an old wound that was finally starting to heal had been ripped open, suddenly pouring out more blood than when it was first created.

Celty let Shizuo off at his apartment. He was about to head inside when the dulahan stopped him.

[About the conversation we had the other day.] She typed quickly.

Shizuo waited for her to specify.

[How Izaya’s been picking a lot of fights recently.]

Shizuo blinked. Had they had a conversation like that?

[Are you sure he’s not up to something again?]

“Celty what are you talking about?” Shizuo asked in confusion.

[It was about five days ago.] Celty reminded him. [The morning after you had that fight in the convenience store.] She added when he gave her a blank look.

“Celty I didn’t see anyone after that fight until I got to work.” He told her.

[You don’t remember?] She asked, seeming concerned.

“No I don’t.” Shizuo growled. What the hell had Izaya done to him?

Celty stared at him for a moment.

[I think Shinra’s right and you should rest.] She said finally. [When I get home, I’ll ask him about the memory loss and see if there’s anything he can do.]

Shizuo nodded and went inside to wait for the feeling that he was missing a piece of himself to subside.

 

* * *

 

A week went by and Shizu-chan didn’t remember. Izaya pulled out the note Shizuo had left him, what felt like years ago, almost every morning. After two weeks Izaya went to Ikebukuro just to check. He got the same reaction from Shizu-chan that he’d received for almost eight years.

_“Stay out of Ikebukuro!”_

It had been a while since Izaya had last heard that sentence. He knew it wasn’t Shizuo’s fault, but the words cut into him like Shizuo’s fists and makeshift weapons never could.

 

 **\--SPOILERS!  
** From this point on you are going to get spoilers from Durarara!!X2 if you would prefer you can just read the short synopsis in the end notes and the story will continue in the next chapter.--

* * *

 

After a month, the bright and warm feelings he’d felt with Shizuo started to turn dark and ugly. Izaya decided he would have to get some payback. On nights when the nightmares were the worst he kept the note Shizuo had written with him all day.

Without Shizuo to distract him and the frustration of being forgotten Izaya threw himself back into the affairs of his city. He was thrilled to find out everything that there was going on, even without his involvement.

_“It’s pretty obvious all kinds of things are about to go down out there. But it doesn’t seem to have anything to do with me”_

Was what he’d said to Namie. He’d been too busy with Loretto and worrying about Shizu-chan. It was time he got his hands back in the mix.

 

Izaya began by setting Namie onto Akane Awakusu. It was an added bonus to be able to use Nakura for that. Namie pulling his sisters into events though... That was not appreciated. He was about to ensure that things got very dangerous in Ikebukuro. While the girls could take care of themselves Izaya didn’t want them anywhere this.

It was fun for a while to watch Shizu-chan’s reactions from afar like he always had. But it quickly became unsatisfying. The beast’s reactions were far less volatile than what Izaya was looking for. So when Manami came to visit him in the hospital after he was stabbed Izaya was thrilled to be reminded of a distraction. He readily threw himself into larger networks and bigger schemes. Dragging Nakura down with him, Izaya gathered followers. Most of which didn’t know the meaning of the word loyalty …Not that Izaya had a lot of the feeling himself so it was fine.

 

* * *

 

He started carrying the note from Shizuo with him every day.

 

* * *

 

Izaya eagerly observed from as Masaomi and Mikado worked each other into insanity. But he kept an eye on Shizu-chan the whole time. He watched his monster interacting with Vorona. Watched as his monster fell in love with a Russian assassin. As he watched Izaya realized that even if Shizuo did remember, the beast would no longer belong to Izaya. So, he made plans to anger the monster. That was the only emotion he could glean from Shizu-chan now, so Izaya would make the most of it. He would ensure that all of Shizuo’s attention was focused on him and then he would kill the monster.

 

* * *

 

Izaya still carried the once pristine note which had become worn from overuse.

 

* * *

 

It was funny because people kept telling Izaya it was impossible to kill Shizuo Heiwajima. Izaya just smiled when they said that. Of course he knew it was impossible. Shizu-chan was sunlight, you can’t kill sunlight. But if Shizuo truly believed his life was in danger then he would be able to destroy Izaya. So, Izaya put everything he had into killing Shizuo. He found it surprisingly easy to smile and talk as he always had while he planned his own demise. The inexhaustible entertainment of his city helped. So did Mikado. That boy’s actions shone a light on Izaya’s love for humans, and with the leader of the dollars coming into his own Izaya could leave his city in good hands. Who knew, maybe Izaya would succeed at ridding the world of a monster after all and turn him into a true legend.

* * *

 

 By now the note stayed in his coat pocket, but Izaya almost never looked at it.

 

* * *

 

 When the opportunity finally presented itself Izaya was ready. He got to the alley and knew it wouldn’t take much. After he had the monster’s attention he couldn’t help calling him.

_“Izaya.”_

_“What?”_

_“So long.”_

_“Yes. Goodbye.”_

Izaya was surprised at the sheer amount of pain those words caused him. He would delight in ensuring Shizuo felt at least as much pain.

The plan worked.

Shizu-chan survived everything Izaya threw at him. Izaya hadn’t even tried to figure out how he would. He’d just known his monster wouldn’t die so easily. So Izaya led Shizu-chan to a place where he would never be allowed to forget what he would do.

Then Vorona cut in, if it wasn't Shizuo killing him then it was pointless.

Izaya woke up in the car.

_“If I’m to die the last thing I want is that monster hanging around my deathbed.”_

He figured that was the end for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so what happened in the last bit of the chapter still a few spoilers but nothing you don't probably already know.
> 
> Izaya escalated things so that Shizuo would try to kill him. It worked Shizou almost killed him but Vorona cut in at the last minute and Izaya wakes up later. That's about the gist of it, still sort of spoilers sorry, but this much I think everyone already knows, it's kind of hard to avoid.
> 
> Other than that... I will get the next chapter out for you as soon as possible.  
> As always let me know what you think!


	13. Dreams and Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter. I hope you like it.

_Izaya laughed and rolled away from Shizuo._

_“Shizu-chan you can’t be serious.” He gasped through chuckles. “Erika thinks we’re dating?”_

_“Well she’s not wrong.” Shizuo said, unable to suppress a smile._

_“No but she’s completely deluded.” Izaya countered._

_They were lying in Shizuo’s bed. Neither of them was wearing any clothes and they were enjoying some meaningless post sex conversation._

_“Good thing.” Shizuo mused watching his lover’s laugher subsided into contentment. “Or someone might start to believe her.”_

_Izaya hummed in agreement. “Couldn’t have that.”_

_The raven reached over and pulled Shizuo in for a kiss. When Shizuo pulled back he glanced at the clock. It was getting late._

_“Do you need to head home soon?” He asked._

_Izaya glanced at the clock in turn. He sighed letting his head fall back to the pillow._

_“Yeah.” He grumbled, glancing at Shizuo with an unreadable expression. “I… Have to work in the morning.” He said slowly._

_Shizuo wondered if he should ask the raven to spend the night but decided against it. Usually Izaya seemed unbreakable, impossible to touch unless he wanted you to. But sometimes he felt like glass, like he could shatter at any point if Shizuo pushed too hard. That was the last thing that Shizuo wanted to see happen._

_Izaya groaned and rolled off the bed. Easily finding his clothes he quickly got dressed. Shizuo slipped into a pair of pants to walk him to the door. Extending the amount of time they spent together as much as he could._

_Shizuo watched as Izaya put on his coat._

_“I’ll be back in Ikebukuro the day after tomorrow.” Izaya said slipping into his shoes. “What time do you get off work?”_

_“Not sure.” Shizuo admitted. “But I should be done by six.”_

_“I’ll make sure to be free by them.” Izaya whispered as they came together for a kiss._

_“I love you.” Shizuo murmured when they pulled apart. “I’ll see you the day after tomorrow.” He added without waiting for a response._

_Izaya had never said ‘I love you’ directly to Shizuo. He probably never would. Shizuo didn’t mind. He knew his feelings weren’t unrequited._

 

* * *

 

Shizuo woke up with a start. Sitting straight up in bed as reality crashed in around him. He curled himself into a ball trying to will away the empty whole in his chest.

It didn’t work. It never worked. Shizuo just had to remember how to live with it.

He’d gotten used to these dreams. They had started about two months ago, one month after he’d killed… after Izaya left.

_He’s not dead. I didn’t… He’s Izaya, he can’t be dead._

The dreams always felt so real almost like they weren’t dreams at all but memories. Maybe Shizuo should find them wrong in some way, enjoying his time with a man he’d… with Izaya. But the dreams were a welcome reprieve from the nightmares.

Sluggishly Shizuo swung around to put his feet on the floor. Glancing at his clock he sighed internally. It was five am, more than three hours before he had to go to work. It was still later than he’s slept in a while. Between the nightmares and the memory dreams Shizuo hadn’t gotten much sleep in the last three months. His limbs feeling like lead as Shizuo got up and headed to his closet. He pulled out his clothes for the day and tossed them to the bed. Before turning away, he paused, reaching deeper into the closet. Pulling out a black fur-lined coat he stared at it for a long while. There was still dried blood on the left side and the puncture from Vorona’s knife. He’d found it on the street after… it had been left on the street that night. Shizuo had picked it up.

At the time he didn’t really know why he took the coat home and hung it in his closet, bloodstains and all.  After a few weeks of nightmares and no Izaya he’d figured it out. He’d come to the realization on a night when he couldn’t sleep for fear of what his dreams would show him.

_How much of a messed up idiot do I have to be? To not realize I’m in love with him until something like that happens._

Not long after he realized his feelings Shizuo had started having dreams like the one he’d just woken up from. Not all of them were exactly like that. Usually they weren’t that tame. More often than not he had Izaya in his arms, the two of them driving each other to ever greater heights of passion. Sometimes he was chasing Izaya through alleyways and across rooftops. Adrenaline coursed through his veins and he was filled with a vicious pleasure knowing that he could go all out and Izaya would match him in intensity and talent. It was incredibly freeing and Shizuo would do anything to be able to feel it again.

Except it had been a dream. Shizuo had never felt that in the first place, and it was getting harder and harder to remember that.

Putting the coat on the bed next to his clothes Shizuo got in the shower trying not to think about why he wasn’t going back to sleep. The nightmares. They plagued Shizuo’s nights. Whenever his dreams didn’t feel like a memory he dreamed of that night. Except they never went exactly like that night had. Sometimes he caught up to Izaya in that office building. Sometimes Izaya was too slow dodging the vending machine. Sometimes Shizuo crushed Izaya’s head with his bare hands. There were so many variations he’d lost track. But they all ended the same way. With Shizuo standing over Izaya’s broken and lifeless body.

Shizuo shuddered as the warm water of the shower ran over his head and shoulders. Trying to think of anything else. He’d learned months ago that it was impossible to keep his mind off Izaya. Instead he turned his mind to his other dreams. Bracing his hands on the shower wall he tried to picture Izaya’s face decorated by a vicious grin instead of blood and bruises. A wave of misery and self loathing overtook him at the futility of the exercise and he leaned his head against his hands. Even if Shizuo hadn’t… even if Izaya was alive, the chance that he felt the same was almost zero. A bitter laugh escaped Shizuo as a thought occurred to him.

“There’s a 99% chance that he hates you.” He told himself.

_‘Think you could believe in that last 1%? You couldn’t could you?’_

That had been …so long ago. It felt like years.  Shizuo could still remember every intonation of Izaya’s voice as if it had been yesterday.

He stood there for a long time. Trying to convince himself the wetness on his cheeks was only from the shower. Shizuo didn’t move as the spray on his back and shoulders turned cold. Finally, when his limbs were numb, he turned off the water and stepped out of the shower.

Going back into his bedroom Shizuo stepped into his pants and slipped his arms into the sleeves of his dress shirt. He paused as he reached for his vest, his hand wandering instead to the fur-lined coat laying not so innocently on his bed. The fabric folded in his hands as he picked it up. This was only the third time he’d pulled the garment out since he’d brought it home. He sat down on his bed and stared at the coat in his lap. Unwilling to release it as he tried to remember every detail of the man who had worn it. Shizuo pulled the coat to his nose. It was faint, tainted with the metallic scent of blood and it could have just been his imagination, but he could still smell Izaya on the coat. Shizuo gathered the fabric and pressed it to his face. Breathing in deeply, trying to catch even the smallest trace of that scent.

As the jacket crumpled in his hands a slip of paper floated to the ground. Shizuo crouched to pick it up, looking at it curiously. It was an old piece of notepaper. Folded and worn like it had been handled often. The same bloodstains that were still on the coat decorated one edge. Carefully unfolding the paper Shizuo almost dropped it again when he saw what was written on it.

_[Borrowing the spare key, I’ll return it when I see you next.]_

The bottom of the page was soaked in blood so he couldn’t read what was there. It didn’t matter, he knew what it said. Shizuo had written it.

_But that was a dream. How can this be here?_

Uncounted minutes ticked by as he stared at the slip of paper in his hands. Trying to comprehend the reality of what he was seeing. The creases where the paper was folded were so worn they looked like they might rip at any time.

_Why was this in Izaya’s coat covered in blood and looking like it’s been read a hundred times? There is no way that was real._

Shizuo’s eyes fell on his clock and he cursed realizing he would be late for work if he didn’t get ready. Where had those three hours gone? He stuffed Izaya’s coat back in the closet and got dressed. He looked at the note one more time before slipping it into his pocket.

_Were those really just dreams?_

 

Work went by at an excruciatingly slow pace. Shizuo just wanted it to be over with, so he could figure out why a note he’d dreamt about writing had fallen out of Izaya’s coat. In the dreams he and Izaya hadn’t told anyone they were dating so it probably wouldn’t do any good to ask his friends. But Shizuo felt that he had to do something.

“So, what’s going on today? You’re pretty distracted.” Tom asked idly as they walked from one debtor to the next. “Did you find another girlfriend?”

“You know I’ve never had a girlfriend.” Shizuo snorted.

“Well what about that girl about a year ago?” Tom asked. “I know things went south but you seemed pretty happy for a while there.”

Shizuo stopped in his tracks and Tom turned to wait for him. “Tom what are you talking about?” He asked in confusion. “There was no girl.”

“I guess it was ten months ago? You had that girl. You were going to introduce us once you settled into your relationship.” Tom reminded him. “I figured things went south after that. You really don’t remember?”

“I don’t.” Shizuo confirmed as they started walking again. He tried to think back to ten months ago. His memories around then were hazy and he couldn’t seem to focus on them. “Was I fighting with Izaya a lot around then?”

“The info broker?” Tom asked, he was looking at Shizuo with concern. “Yeah he was coming to Ikebukuro a lot. Why ask about him?”

_Shizuo grinned Izaya was cornered._

_“I don’t see anywhere for you to go flea.”_

_Izaya smirked in return and Shizuo relished every second of it._

_“Well there’s always up.” Izaya replied, dashing forward. Shizuo had milliseconds before Izaya’s foot left his hand to decide whether he wanted to stop Izaya’s movement and bring him to the ground or…_

_It was not contest. Shizuo gripped Izaya’s foot before flinging him into the air. Not even bothering to hide his enjoyment and awe as he watched his raven control his upward momentum. Grabbing hold of the fire escape railing and swinging his body around to land on his feet._

_It was the best feeling in the world. Shizuo could watch this a thousand times and never get tired of Izaya’s abilities._

“Shizuo what’s wrong?” Tom’s voice pulled him back to reality.

Shizuo blinked and looked at his concerned friend and employer.

“I think I did something terrible to that person.” He said finally.

Tom looked confused. “You mean the girl you were dating?” He asked warily.

“Yeah.” Shizuo murmured. “I think so.” He looked up sharply. “We’ve got the next couple of days off, right?”

“Yeah we do.” Tom confirmed, quickly catching on to Shizuo’s train of thought. “You thinking of going to see her? It’s been a year is that really a good idea?”

“I don’t know.” Shizuo admitted. “But I have to try.”

 

* * *

 

That evening Shizuo was trying to decide which of his friends he should ask about Izaya when Celty passed by and the decision was made easy. She circled back and stopped to talk.

[Hey Shizuo, how’s it going?] She seemed to be in a good mood.

“Hey Celty, I was actually just wanting to talk to you.” Shizuo told her.

[That’s unusual. What’s up?] Celty asked.

“Oh,” right to the point. Good, “I was just wondering... There’s a few months, a little under a year ago where my memory’s all hazy. I want to know if I did anything strange around that time, maybe I said something odd…”

Celty tilted her helmet and thought for a moment.

[Well I think you were fighting with Izaya a lot more around that time.] She said finally [I doubt that’s what you’re looking for though. You didn’t seem upset by it.]

“Izaya.” Shizuo murmured. He would have asked anyways but she’d mentioned him on her own.  “Was he doing anything strange then? Did we seem… friendly at all?”

Celty stared at him for a moment before quickly typing on her device.

[Well I wouldn’t call it friendly.] She started. [But you both acted kinda strange during that incident with Loretto.]

“Who’s Loretto?” Shizuo asked in confusion.

[You don’t remember?] Celty asked.

Shizuo shook his head.

[He drugged you pretty heavily, kept you out for over twenty-four hours.]  She elaborated.

“Izaya did?” Shizuo asked.

[No.] Celty responded. [That’s why it’s strange. Izaya didn’t drug you. He got you out.]

“He saved me?” That was a phrase Shizuo never thought he would use. Especially about Izaya.

[I thought he was working an angle, but it never came back to bite you.] She said. [I guess he just wanted you out of his way.]

“So that’s what happened.” Shizuo said. Once Celty brought it up he did remember waking up in the same room as Izaya. Later Shinra had said something about tranquilizers and gaps in memory but Shizuo hadn’t paid it much mind.

[Why do you keep asking about Izaya?] Celty inquired. [What’s going on?]

Shizuo didn’t say anything. He just pulled out the note he’d found earlier and handed it to Celty.

[What’s this?] She asked studying the note.

“For the past couple of months, I’ve been having these dreams about Izaya.” Shizuo started. “Except they felt too real for dreams.” Celty stayed quiet so he continued. “In one of them I wrote that note and left it at his place.” He took a deep breath. It should be fine to tell Celty this. “This morning I found it in his coat.”

When it was clear he was finished Celty started typing something then erased it and started over.

[I’m not going to ask why you had Izaya’s coat.] Shizuo breathed a sigh of relief. He felt like enough of a stalker without explaining that.

[It looks like there’s something written at the bottom, but the blood blots it out. Do you know what it says?]

“Yeah.” Shizuo mumbled. “It says ‘I love you.’” He took a deep breath. After three months of nightmares and a hole in his chest he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to fill, it was time he told someone. “I’m in love with Izaya.” He admitted finally.

I know I have no right to be, but I’m in love with him. It was why he’d picked up the coat. He’d thought it was the reason for his dreams. I have even less right to go looking for him, but I need answers.

Celty’s phone dropped to the ground. Shizuo waited for her to pick it up and type a response.

[What!!?] Was all she got out at first. [You can’t be serious!]

“I love Izaya.” Shizuo repeated. “I think he might know it.” Shizuo took a deep breath. “I think he might be in love with me too.”

[After everything he’s done how could you possibly think he’s in love with you?] Celty asked, clearly dumbfounded.

“I know it sounds insane.” Shizuo admitted “But I need to find him and figure out the truth.”

[You really mean it.] Celty said finally.

Shizuo nodded even though it wasn’t a question.

Celty seemed to think about his for a while.

[Alright.] She said finally. [What can I do to help?]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we're not out of the woods yet. But lovely fluffy memory dream! I couldn't stand writing the last chapter and not just writing something happy and fluffy, so I though you might need something soft and warm too. Now we're back to the horrors of Shizuo living with the possibility that he killed the person he's in love with, and he hasn't even remembered yet.   
> I am so sorry. 
> 
> Anyway I've had too much caffeine so you let me know what you think and I'll let you get back to other things. I hope you liked it!


	14. Remember

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late in the weekend I've had an odd week, wierdly off for no apparent reason.  
> Anyway here's the chapter. I hope you like it as always.

Shizuo sat at his kitchen table, trying to remember everything he could about his dreams and the time he’d spent sleeping with Izaya. It wasn’t going well. He couldn’t remember more than what he’d already been dreaming about, just disjointed segments that he couldn’t piece together. Honestly, he wasn’t sure they were more than simply the dreams he’d first thought. It could be his subconscious giving him what he wanted or some shit.

Frustrated he pulled out his phone and dialed the number Celty had given him for Izaya. He’d lost, or rather broken, his phone a couple of times over the last few months; Izaya’s wasn’t a number he’d memorized. It didn’t even ring before going to voicemail… again. Shizuo hung up without leaving a message. He’d left three already. He sent twice as many texts as well. None of them had gotten a response.

Shizuo had been sitting at the table since his talk with Celty. After giving him Izaya’s phone number there wasn’t much more she could do. He’d come home and searched Izaya’s coat, hoping for something, anything, that might help him remember or at least tell him where Izaya had gone.

The worst part about the night was that Shizuo didn’t even know if Izaya was alive. His phone still connected, which meant it was paid for. Except it went straight to voicemail indicating that it may not have been charged in three months.

That fear consumed him. He hadn’t mentioned it to Celty, hadn’t said it to anyone. Shizuo tried not to even think about it but the fear was always there in the back of his head.

What if Izaya’s dead? What if I killed the person I love?

If Izaya was dead, Shizuo would never know if those dreams were real, or ever could be real. Trying to push away his fear Shizuo got up and went into the bathroom. He had Izaya’s coat soaking in a bucket in the bathtub. He pulled the coat out of the water and began scrubbing at the worst of the bloodstains. After a few minutes he sat back to examine his handiwork. The stain was still there but Shizuo had made some progress. Once the coat was clean, Shizuo should be able to sew up the puncture from Vorona’s knife. Shizuo had fixed similar cuts in his own clothing often enough. He had confidence in his needlework.

He was about to start scrubbing again when his phone rang in the other room. He dropped the coat and ran to the kitchen, desperate to catch the call before it stopped. Grabbing his phone from the table he checked the caller ID. It was Kasuka. Shizuo swallowed his disappointment that it wasn’t Izaya. Seeing his brother’s name on the screen gave him an idea.

Shizuo knew he was a terrible brother. He’d been an awful role model and only ever shown Kasuka what not to do. He was rarely able to even be there for Kasuka. Now he was going to prove just what a poor excuse for an older brother he was by asking his little brother for help.

Pulling the worn out note from his pocket Shizuo looked at the bloodstains covering bottom edge. Remembering the words that were written there he answered his phone.

 

* * *

 

Izaya sat on the low wall in the pedestrian square. Waiting for the Mairu and Kururi. This wasn’t his city, the people passing by weren’t his humans.

They could be.

Izaya had enjoyed his time here. He had seriously considered just staying here and never returning to a city that hated him anyway. This city had gangs and scandals. Sure none of them had been as fun as the ones in Ikebukuro; but Izaya had only been here three months and already things were getting interesting.

He couldn’t stay.

There was one thing this city didn’t have. An unpredictable beast who could make Izaya’s heart race just by calling his name. He had spent the better part of three months trying to convince himself to live without Shizu-chan. It hadn’t worked. The problem was Izaya hadn’t intended to survive. If Izaya had been able to give Shizu-chan up there would have been no reason to make Shizu-chan kill him.

In the last couple of weeks, Izaya had been recovering and thinking about what he would do next. He decided that he was tired of lying. To himself and to Shizu-chan. Since he was alive he would tell Shizuo the truth. Not the whole truth of course. Not what Shizuo had forgotten. Not that Shizuo had loved him back. He would just tell Shizuo that Izaya loved him.

Izaya had no delusions of a happy ending. He knew there was no chance Shizuo would accept his feelings. Hell, the blond probably wouldn’t even believe him, but Izaya couldn’t keep his silence any longer.

So, when Mairu and Kururi had called him late last night demanding to talk to their older brother in person, he hadn’t put too much effort into refusing. It would be nice to see them again. Plus while they were here he would be able to get information about Ikebukuro and the beast that roved that city.

Izaya pulled out his phone to check the time. The girls had said they wanted to talk about “boy troubles.” Now they were twenty minutes late and Izaya had heard nothing more from them since last night. Why they couldn’t talk on the phone, Izaya had no idea. He had even less idea why they would come to him. He was glad they had, but there was no way he was telling them that. He just hoped it wasn’t that Aoba kid. That boy was trouble and Izaya had spent the last sixteen years keeping those girls as far from trouble as possible. Of course, with them being his, sisters that wasn’t very far.

Izaya resisted the urge to run his hands over his arms. The rehabilitation was going well but he’d need a few more weeks before he went back to Ikebukuro. Plenty of time to catch up on events in his city.

He glanced at his phone again lamenting the slow passage of time.

_Are they even going to show up?_ He wondered.

Almost as soon as he’d thought it, the question was answered.

“Izaya.”

The raven froze, heartrate spiking at the sound of the all too familiar voice.

_What the hell is he doing here?_ His mind raced to the answer faster than he would have liked.

“Shizu-chan.” Izaya purred reflexively plastering on a smirk as he turned to face the beast. “I thought your brother complex would never allow you to sell out Kasuka like that.” He stepped forward as his smile grew. “How does it feel to hate me that much?” It wasn’t what he had wanted to say.

Antagonizing Shizu-chan the first time he saw him hadn’t been the plan. It seemed old habits were hard to break.

“Terrible.” Shizuo responded. He had an odd bundle of black cloth under one arm and his usual glare firmly in place. “If that’s how you felt all these years it’s no wonder you were such an asshole.”

“Oh Shizu-chan.” Izaya started almost sadly. I may as well tell him now. “I never…”

“But that’s not why I’m here.” Shizuo cut him off quickly. His next words were uncharacteristically desperate and uncertain. “I have to ask you something. It’s going to sound crazy and I’m not really sure how to say it. So before you say anything…”

“I love you.” Izaya said flatly, cutting the blond off in turn. “I love you Shizuo.”

Shizuo seemed to freeze for a moment before horror flashed across his face. Izaya almost turned and walked away before Shizuo opened his mouth. But whatever words of loathing and disgust Shizu-chan had to say, Izaya probably deserved them at this point.

What Shizuo did say when he finally opened his mouth was worse than anything Izaya expected.

“I remember.” Shizuo gasped.

The bottom dropped out of Izaya’s stomach. Shizuo’s eyes were filled with shock and horror as they stared at him.

If Shizu-chan remembered that changed everything. It meant Shizuo would believe Izaya’s feelings. It also meant he would know what he’d done, what they both had done.

“I remember.” Anger crept into Shizuo’s expression as he stared at Izaya. “You knew.” He accused. “You made my worst nightmare come true and you knew!”

“Yes.” Izaya hissed right back, his own anger mounting. “I knew.”

Dark ugly feelings swarmed in his chest. They had slowly crept inside him to replace the soft warm feelings that had been lost with Shizuo’s memories. Izaya didn’t know how to get those golden feelings back on his own. He wasn’t sure he would ever be able to forgive Shizuo for that.

“I knew, and you didn’t.” He snarled viciously.

“I-za-yaa…” Shizuo started in a low drawn out growl.

They both knew what it meant, Izaya knew it had to happen but…

“Not here.” He cut the blond off quickly. It might be too late. Shizuo could be too angry or it could be a futile attempt. But if they were to have any chance of forgiving each other there was only one place they could do this.

The blond cut off mid growl.

“You want to go back?” Shizuo asked.

“Yes” Izaya nodded.

Please Shizu-chan. Please hold it in just a little bit longer.

Shizuo seemed to think before tossing Izaya the bundle of cloth he was carrying.

“You’ll need that.” He said flatly as Izaya caught it.

The raven held up the bundle curiously. It was his coat. The one he wore all the time in Ikebukuro. He had lost it when he left the city. Shizuo must have found one just like it, because there was no sign of blood from the stab wound he had received.

Izaya swung the coat around, relieved when his arms slipped into the sleeves with their usual practiced ease. He tilted his head and faced Shizuo with a determined smile.

“Shall we?” he invited.

For a moment the blond looked like he wanted to say something, but he just nodded and they headed to the train station.

 

* * *

 

The train ride back to Ikebukuro was deathly quiet. Shizuo and Izaya barely looked at each other as they settled into their seats. A stewardess stopped to see if they needed anything. She was met with single word responses from both of them and left as fast as she could.

Shizuo did remember to text Celty.

[I found Izaya.] He told her [I’m bringing him back. Don’t try to stop us.]

He sent that last sentence because Izaya was right. They did need to be back in Ikebukuro for this fight.

He glanced sidelong at Izaya. The raven was staring silently out of the window. Almost pointedly ignoring Shizuo’s existence. That was fine, Shizuo had a lot to think about.

_“I love you Shizuo.”_

It had been like being hit by a semi-truck. The disorientation and confusion really had been similar, as his memories had been flooding back.

 

_Shizuo’s body was still running on adrenaline and instinct... before his mind could catch up to the situation. Before he could tell himself what a bad idea this was. Shizuo was kissing Izaya full on the mouth. Then his mind went blank. His senses completely overwhelmed by the connection all he knew was that he wanted more._

_His senses returned when he heard a whimper coming from Izaya. That couldn’t be right. The flea never whimpered. Then Shizuo realized what he was doing and shoved himself back._

 

There was a part of Shizuo that wanted nothing more than to grab Izaya and kiss him until neither of them could think straight. He couldn’t do that yet though, maybe not ever again.

 

_“I want to fight him… so how could that be love?”_

_“I think that’s just how the two of you communicate.” Shinra said… “Whenever Izaya wants to see you he comes and picks a fight and you give him one. It’s kinda like flirting.” Shinra explained._

 

If Shinra was right and fighting was their way of communication, then they had broken it pretty badly. Shizuo wasn’t sure it could be fixed.

 

_“No one I love will ever love me back.”_

 

Shizuo had wanted to never let him say that again.

 

_“If you ever take back what happened last night you may as well kill me. Because that’s the only way you’re getting rid of me.”_

 

Shizuo had never expected Izaya to turn those words into reality so readily. Without even trying any other options. Especially after everything that had happened before Shizuo lost his memory.

 

_Shizuo rested his head on Izaya’s shoulder. The warmth and comfort making him feel less like the monster everyone thought him to be. Finding solace in the existence of a man he would have said it didn’t possess a warm cell in his body._

 

Shizuo glanced to the side, Izaya was still staring out the window. The man was sitting not two feet from him; but for the comfort and warmth Shizuo yearned for he may as well have been oceans away.

It didn’t make any sense. Shizuo didn’t even know whose fault it was. Which of them had destroyed that brief period of happiness they had shared. He doubted it even mattered.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you have it. Things aren't quite fixed yet. There wasn't quite as much feels as I wanted, I blame my brain not being on right this week.  
> Still Shizuo finally broke down and used his connections to Kasuka to get the twins to give him Izaya. You'll find out what he gave them in later chapters.  
> Anyway, I hope you liked it! As always let me know what you think and I'll try to get the next chapter out a little earlier next weekend.


	15. Anguish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter sorry it took me so long to get it out, I had family in town and got very busy.
> 
> Apparently there was some confusion in the last chapter with the Shizuo and Izaya meeting scene. I apologize for that and thank you for pointing it out to me. I've actually gone back and edited that chapter, but if you don't want to go back and reread the entire chapter, I'll sum it up here. Izaya thought he was going to die at Shizuo's hands, when that didn't happen he had to figure out what to do instead. He decided he no longer had anything to lose and would tell Shizuo that he was in love with him (Izaya with Shizou, he wasn't going to tell about the memory loss). Izaya expected Shizuo to react with disgust, hatred and a complete rejection. When Izaya told Shizuo his feelings it turned out to be the shock Shizuo needed to get his memory back in full. For Izaya that changed everything because Shizuo knew just how much they had hurt each other, intentionally and otherwise.
> 
> I hope that clears everything up. If it still doesn't make sense or you have more questions let me know and I'll try to explain. Thanks again for letting me know it was confusing! I'll let you get to the next chapter now, I hope you like it!

The train slowed to a stop as they reached Ikebukuro. Shizuo and Izaya disembarked and Shizuo looked down at the flea.

“Where to?” Shizuo doubted that it mattered but Izaya was the one who wanted to come here, he might have a place in mind where he wanted this to go down.

Izaya shrugged. “It doesn’t matter.” He replied. “Let’s just get above ground first.”

Shizuo nodded. These were the first words either of them had spoken to each other since they got on the train.

They exited the station and started walking. Shizuo noted the small smile on Izaya’s lips as he looked at their surroundings. It had been three months since the raven had last been in Ikebukuro.

“Did you miss it?” Shizuo asked, glancing in turn to the city around them.

Izaya shot him a dark look. “Not as much as I thought I would.” He said quietly.

Disappointment crushed Shizuo’s chest. If Izaya hadn’t missed the city he may not want to come back.

Not noticing or just ignoring, Shizuo’s inner turmoil Izaya nodded towards a deserted side street. “There looks good.”

Shizuo looked in that direction. Long shadows cast by the dying evening sun were beginning to darken the street, but the city lights still weren’t needed.  There were a couple of vending machines down that way a low hanging awning and an exposed pipe, a good layout for both of them. He nodded and they turned down the street.

Izaya leapt easily onto the vending machine. It was right next to the awning hanging over the street. To get to the rooftop from there he would just need…

 

Izaya watched as Shizu-chan paused at the entrance of the street. He felt an odd sense of calm as Shizuo picked one of the street signs and pulled it from the ground. Taking it with him Shizuo leaned the sign against the vending machine on the other side of the street before turning to face Izaya.

The blond rolled his shoulders back and tilted his head, cracking his neck.

“Shall we get started?” He asked casually, slipping his hands into his pockets and rocking back on his heels.

Izaya smiled. There it was, Shizu-chan’s easy, pragmatic way of speaking, no time or words wasted. Izaya could never be that straightforward, it was too terrifying.

“Are you sure that’s what you want?” He asked smoothly, easily hiding the immense range of emotions roiling through him. “I know long distance relationships can be hard but what would Vorona think if she knew what was going on?”

“Vorona’s got nothing to do with this.” Shizuo growled.

“I think she does.” Izaya cooed darkly, pain twisting his insides into knots. “After all Shizu-chan, you’re in love with her. And you know? Crazy as it sounds, I think she might just love you back.”

“Izaya.” Shizuo interrupted with a growl. “Are you trying to tell me you did all of this because you were jealous?”

Izaya laughed sharply.

“Well isn’t that an interesting theory,” he noted, not directly admitting that Shizuo wasn’t too far off. “I have to admit, I was jealous. Watching the two of you flirting together? Nothing could be more irritating.”

“So you made me think I killed you?!” Shizuo’s growl was almost a yell. “You almost made my worst nightmare come true. You knew I loved you!”

“But you didn’t!” Izaya snarled back, the guilt coursing through his veins overpowered by the pain and anger. “You didn’t know Shizu-chan! You forgot.”

“Izaya…” Shizuo started.

“You know what the best part is?” Izaya cut him off.

There it was. The rage and passion lighting a fire in the blond’s eyes. Izaya wanted more.

“Shizu-chan you didn’t forget me. You didn’t forget people or events.” Izaya met Shizuo’s eyes glare for glare. “The only thing you forgot was that you think you love me.”

“And you did nothing to help me remember!” Shizuo accused.

To emphasize his words, he ripped up the vending machine and launched it at Izaya. The raven avoided the projectile easily, leaping onto the awning. He turned to taunt the beast, wanting Shizu-chan’s rage all for himself. The signpost Shizuo had pulled up earlier was already flying in his direction.

Izaya leaned back as the signpost crashed into the wall inches from where his head had been. Izaya glared briefly back at the beast before vaulting off the sign to the roof. That hadn’t been aimed at Izaya. Which meant Shizu-chan was holding back.

That was unacceptable.

How was Izaya supposed to show Shizu-chan he was ok if the beast was holding back? How was Shizuo supposed to make up for forgetting everything if he was holding back? How was any of this supposed to work if either one of them was holding back?

So Izaya went all out. He reached the roof and climbed to the highest point he could find. Seconds later Shizu-chan was on the rooftop. Izaya threw everything he had into his attack. He threw all of the frustration and anger at being forgotten. The betrayal, abandonment and self doubt. Only hoping that Shizuo would understand, just once more. That was the one thing he’d retained from his time with Shizuo. Hope. Often it was more painful than soothing, but he’d kept it. Now he clung to the hope that just maybe Shizuo would understand why.

As soon as Shizuo swung onto the rooftop Izaya threw the knives he’d found in his coat in quick succession.

_‘How dare you forget me.’_

The first knife struck Shizuo’s right shoulder. He ignored it.

_‘How dare you forget what we were!’_

The second struck his left arm. Shizuo ripped It out and threw it to the ground as the third knife grazed past his cheek.

_‘You abandoned me!’_

“Iiizzaaayyyaaa” Shizuo’s feral growl almost sent shivers up Izaya’s spine; three months was longer than he ever wanted to go without hearing the blond call his name like that.

Shizuo glanced around for something to throw but the roof was empty, Izaya had checked. Instead Shizuo stormed up the stairs to swing his fist at Izaya. The raven leapt back, flipping in midair to land on the lower level of the roof. There was a brief moment of relief on Shizuo’s face. It was quickly replaced by anger, and something else Izaya couldn’t quite place. Shizuo jumped after the raven to make another grab for him. The message was clear.

_‘I thought you were dead.’_

Izaya easily rolled away from the attack. Dodging to the edge of the roof the raven leapt the gap over to the next building. The two buildings were about the same height and too far apart to jump the distance easily. That didn’t stop Izaya. He leapt and grabbed hold of the edge of the building. As he pulled himself onto the roof a slight tremor ran through his arms, he ignored it. Whether they liked it or not his arms would hold out until the end of this. They had to. He got to his feet just in time to see Shizu-chan following him across the gap. Izaya paused to throw a couple more knives before turning to run. He dodged to the side so the air conditioning unit Shizuo ripped up missed him by inches.

So they continued. Ignoring the crowds as they fought and crashed their way through Ikebukuro. Neither one letting the other hold back. Every knife blade and makeshift projectile was an accusation.

_‘How could you do that to me?’_

Underlying it all was Izaya’s need to show Shizu-chan that he was ok. There had been no permanent damage to his body.

 

* * *

 

Shizuo followed Izaya to the next rooftop. The fears from his nightmares had faded as the sun died on the horizon. Now the anger and confusion had taken over. It hurt that Izaya had known what he felt and still put him through that.

This fight wasn’t what he wanted either. It was nothing like the fights they’d had before. With all the pain and anger coursing through him Shizuo wasn’t sure he could stop if he had to. He felt no sense of control no sense of freedom. Just pain. Shizuo hated it. He hated that he’d hurt Izaya even more. He had forgotten him and every knife Izaya sent his way was screaming at him. If this was what Izaya needed Shizuo would rip up the whole city for that damn flea. So he let the rage consume him. Letting go of all his control and pushing Izaya further demanding more from the raven.

Izaya continued their decent, heading from the rooftop to the ground. Shizuo followed right behind, one of the raven’s knives cutting through his vest and shirt as it gouged his side.

_‘You forgot you loved me!’_

As soon as Shizuo’s feet touched the ground he ripped up the nearest street sign and flung it at Izaya.

_‘You made me think I killed you.’_

Izaya dropped to the ground and rolled as the signpost sailed over his head. By the time he got to his feet Shizuo had already uprooted a vending machine, throwing it in his direction. The raven glanced up as he dodged to the side, watching the vending machine fall to the place he’d been standing. He threw a snarl back at Shizuo before leaping onto the vending machine and from there to a nearby awning, clearly heading back to the rooftops.

Shizuo paused with his hand on a street sign, a wave of emotional exhaustion suddenly crashing through him. I don’t know if I can take any more. He realized as he watched Izaya grab the edge of the roof.

The rage and anguish, the lack of control. It was all too much. Shizuo just wanted it to end. He just wanted this to be over.

He ripped up another street sign but didn’t get a chance to use it. When he looked back he saw Izaya tumbling from the rooftop. It took a moment to comprehend what he was seeing. Understanding dawned and Izaya’s falling body looked like Shizuo’s whole world collapsing around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you have it. Were you surprised when Izaya fell? I tried to hint at it so it wouldn't be too much of a shock. I promise I won't make you wait two or three weeks before I post the next chapter and show you how that resolves.
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	16. Sunlight & Shadow

Izaya cursed as the strength in his arms failed him. Unable to pull himself onto the rooftop his fingers lost their grip and he crashed to the ground. The awning he’d leapt from broke his fall. He still landed heavily on his right shoulder, sending another jolt of pain through his arm.

I guess three months wasn’t enough time.

Groaning Izaya sat up. Clutching his injured arm to his chest he looked around for the beast who had been hot on his heels. Shizuo was standing a few yards away frozen in place, street sign still clutched in his hand. Suddenly he jolted back into movement at startling speeds. Shizuo rushed forward, crouching in front of Izaya as he let the sign fall to his side.

“Are you okay?” He asked, concern painting his voice.

“Fine.” Izaya growled, pushing himself up to stand against the rough brick of the wall. The concern on Shizuo’s face was too close to pity for him to accept it.

Shizuo looked unconvinced as he stood with Izaya.

“What happened?” Shizuo asked.

Izaya laughed bitterly. “Sorry Shizu-chan.” He hissed, anger at himself turning his voice cold. “I didn’t manage to escape our last encounter unscathed.”

Shizuo’s face turned pale as he opened his mouth to speak.

“Don’t worry.” Izaya said quickly, not wanting the look on Shizuo’s face to turn any more pitying. “We’re still going to finish this.” He casually brandished his knife at Shizuo, unthinkingly using his right arm

Stepping forward in a sudden rush of movement Izaya willed his arm to move as he slashed at Shizuo’s face. The blond stepped back, easily avoiding the attack. When Izaya moved to swing again his arm wouldn’t obey. Frustration overflowed in his chest.

“Damn.” He hissed, pain and anger spiking as the knife fell from his grasp. Reaching over with his left hand Izaya massaged his right arm in hopes of regaining some control and movement.

Shizuo bent and picked up Izaya’s knife, staring at the blade in his hand for a long moment. Izaya forgot to breathe as he waited to see what Shizuo would do next.

“I won’t fight you anymore.” Shizuo said finally. Not taking his eyes off the knife.

A spike of icy fear shot down Izaya’s spine. “Then end it.” Izaya replied coldly.

 It always came back to here. With Izaya cornered and Shizuo there to kill him. Izaya didn’t have the courage to ask for what he really wanted, or the strength to watch from the sidelines as Shizuo happily lived his life. So he would always drive them here.

“Rather poetic don’t you think?” He commented, giving Shizu-chan his most infuriating smirk. “Killing me with my own knife.”

Shizuo looked up from the knife and met Izaya’s eyes. His expression was filled with sorrow and…

“Izaya…”

“I don’t need your pity.” Izaya spat, cutting the beast off with a glare.

He felt pathetic and useless enough without Shizu-chan looking at him like that.

A flash of anger crossed Shizuo’s face as he shook his head, growling denial. “It’s not pity.”

Shizuo gently took Izaya’s hand and placed the open switchblade in it.

“So if you can’t forgive me…” Shizuo pulled Izaya’s hand and the knife to his own exposed throat. “…kill me and end it now.”

Izaya stared at the silver glint of metal, the exposed throat and jugular, at Shizuo’s face.

He was serious.

Shizuo would let Izaya kill him in an attempt to make things right. He held the power of life and death over the monster. All he had to do was choose …but Shizuo’s face still held the pain from being betrayed.

“It’s not that simple.” Izaya glanced down. Taking Shizuo’s hand with his free one Izaya pulled it to his throat. He could move his arm, but only so long as Shizuo didn’t resist. “I’m not the only one that needs to forgive.” He found himself smiling at the symmetry of it. The beast deserved the same chance he was giving Izaya.

He wrapped Shizuo’s fingers around his neck. With his strength Shizuo would have no trouble crushing Izaya’s throat. “’Forgive me or kill me.’ Right? Same goes for you.”

Izaya dropped his free hand to his side. His eyes returned to the glint of his knife at Shizuo’s throat. He honestly didn’t know if he could forgive Shizuo. The blond had offhandedly shown Izaya the warmest softest feelings the raven had ever felt. Shizuo had poured them into Izaya like it was the easiest most natural thing in the world. Then he had turned around and smashed those feelings as easily as he destroyed the city’s vending machines. The betrayal had been unintentional but the loss had left Izaya drowning in darkness. He had been left to helplessly struggle for a surface he could barely remember, consumed by anguish and jealousy.

 All he had to do was pull his knife across Shizuo’s jugular and he would never have to feel that helpless again.

_No._

Izaya had known from the beginning that if Shizuo stopped loving him it would destroy him. Similarly, living without Shizu-chan would be as meaningless as living without sunlight. If Izaya just stood here with his knife pressed to Shizuo’s throat, Shizuo would eventually break his neck. He glanced up to let Shizuo’s expression confirm his suspicious and Izaya’s hand started to tremble. While Shizuo’s face was a mask of confusion and anger his golden eyes were leaking tears.

Shizu-chan was crying.

Izaya’s knife dropped from suddenly numb fingers. It clattered to the ground for the second time that night as Izaya’s hand fell to his side.

He had known it would break him when Shizuo no longer loved him. He hadn’t meant to drag Shizuo down with him.

“I can’t.” He breathed, barely noticing the way Shizuo’s hand on his throat constricted the words.

He had to explain. Had to make Shizuo understand that this wasn’t his fault. Izaya was to blame. It was Izaya’s weakness that had driven them to this point. His weakness that would always drive them here.

 

* * *

 

Shizuo stared at his hand on Izaya’s throat. It was all he could do not to tighten his grip and crush the delicate neck in his fist. He had intended to release Izaya as soon as the raven let go, then Izaya had smiled. Shizuo’s anger had started to simmer and he couldn’t let go. How the hell could Izaya smile like that when they were about to kill each other? After everything Izaya had done, everything he had taken from Shizuo. Shizuo had a chance to end it. Izaya would never take anything from him again. Would never hide anything, would never lie, or hurt people again. Shizuo could end that cycle of pain right here. All he had to do was close his fist. For him it would be no effort at all.

But Shizuo didn’t want to become a monster. He didn’t want to become the murderer everyone, even Izaya, thought he would be. He knew that, this time, he could find the strength to hold back if someone, anyone, would just show him where to look. If Celty was watching from the sidelines, she could hold him off. Kadota was usually cruising around with his friends around here, he usually had calming advice that might help. Hell he’d take Simon passing by with a delivery right now. Frozen in place Shizuo silently begged his friends to just tell him how to stop. He could do it if someone would just tell him how.

It was Izaya who gave Shizuo his answer.

There was a sharp sting of pain at his neck and Shizuo looked down in time to see Izaya’s hand trembling ever so slightly as the knife he was holding clattered to the ground. Shizuo lifted his eyes to Izaya’s face as the raven began to speak.

“I can’t.” Izaya choked out. Shizuo forced himself to loosen his grip so Izaya could continue. “Shizu-chan is like sunlight. I can’t live in a world where you don’t exist.” His usually calm voice held an edge of desperation, like he was trying to explain something he didn’t fully understand himself. “If I could, I would have killed you a long time ago.”

Shizuo clung to the desperation in his voice. There was something in what he’d said… If Shizuo could just keep him talking…

“If I’m sunlight, what does that make you?” Shizuo asked.

He was surprised at how choked and hoarse his voice sounded. That’s when he noticed the tears running down his cheeks, Shizuo hadn’t realized he’d been crying.

Izaya smiled bitterly. “Shadow I guess.” He said finally, then he lifted his chin to make it easier for Shizuo to snap his neck. “It’s fine Shizu-chan. Any human would leap at the chance to kill me. So this wont make you a monster.” Izaya seemed to be trying to reassure Shizuo. “If anything, it will make you more human.” Suddenly he laughed shortly. The sound made Shizuo flinch. “You know, when the sun is at it’s brightest you don’t see any shadows. Sunlight and shadow can’t exist together.” Shizuo’s insides twisted painfully at that. “So go ahead.”

“You’re wrong.” Shizuo growled, he’d just realized what Izaya had said that would let him stop.

“Shizu-chan,” Izaya’s hand twitched as if he wanted to lift it and he got a pained expression on his face. “I think if either of us is a monster…”

“Sunlight and shadow.” Shizuo cut him off quickly.

Izaya fell silent and let Shizuo speak.

“It’s not…” Shizuo took a deep breath and forced his voice out. “It’s not that sunlight and shadow can’t exist together.” This was harder than he’d expected, but he pushed forward. “They’re opposites, so one cannot exist without the other.” He’d heard that somewhere, right? Some philosophy or other, something about it had made sense to him. “Without shadow and darkness there would be no concept of sunlight. Sunlight and shadow can’t exist without each other.” His fingers relaxed and he focused his vision on Izaya’s face. The raven’s expression was uncertain.

“What are you saying?” He asked.

Feeling like he was finally able to breathe again, Shizuo lowered his hand. “If killing you is what it takes to be human. I’d rather be a monster.”

Izaya took a step back and leaned against the wall behind him. Tipping his head back he closed his eyes as the tension leaked from his body. Relief washed over both of them.

“That’s great.” Izaya half murmured half laughed. He tilted his head without opening his eyes. “Told you we’d finish.”

“Yeah.” Shizuo acknowledged taking a step forward, intending to trap Izaya against the wall. “But I don’t think we’re quite done yet.”

Izaya cracked his eyelids to smile before something over Shizuo’s shoulder caught his attention.

“Agreed,” he said, “but what do you say we lose the audience for this next part? Don’t want them thinking we’re getting along.”

Shizuo glanced over his shoulder. Audience indeed. The crowds they had been ignoring hadn’t been ignoring them. A crowd of people had gathered at the entrance to the street, many of them had their phones out and were taking videos. They blocked the exit and showing no signs of dispersing. Shizuo glanced to the other side, same story.

Shizuo glanced up at the roof that Izaya had fallen from then back to the raven.

“Can you go up?” He asked uncertainly.

Izaya followed his gaze before glancingback at Shizuo.

“Cover for me?” He returned with a grin.

It was Shizuo’s turn to follow Izaya’s eyes to the street sign he’d dropped when Izaya fell. He looked back at Izaya to see a hopeful glint in the raven’s eye. Shizuo gave him an answering nod. If Izaya thought he could handle it…

“Whatever you like.” Shizuo would be happy to oblige.

Bending Shizuo picked up the street sign. Hefting it easily he took a few steps back, allowing Izaya to move away from the wall.

“You ready?” Shizuo asked, barely waiting for Izaya’s muscles to tense in a nod before swinging the sign in his hand.

“IIIZZAAAAYYAA” He let the raven’s name grate off his tongue just so he could see the way Izaya’s eyes lit up with a vicious hunger.

Izaya ducked, letting the signpost rush over his head. He stood quickly as Shizuo brought the sign around. He swung it forward in a sweeping arc, pulling pavement up as it went. Shizuo poured all of his regret and remorse into the movement, trying to convey just how sorry he was. As the sign swung forward Izaya jumped. Pulling his knees up to his chest Izaya let the sign connect with his feet to accelerate his upward momentum. For a brief moment he met Shizuo’s eyes.

The way Izaya tilted his head, coupled with the rueful look in his eyes and the sly grin that slid across his mouth made his thoughts more clear than if he’d spoken them aloud.

_‘I’m sorry.’_

The sign shot up and Izaya pushed off it, flying up and flipping backwards onto the rooftop. He stepped to the edge of the roof looking at Shizuo. Everything about the move was screaming the same thing.

_‘I love you Shizu-chan.’_

Shizuo tore his eyes away from Izaya, throwing the street sign in his hand. It struck the brick right below Izaya’s feet. Shizuo could only hope that Izaya understood his meaning as easily as Shizuo understood Izaya’s.

_‘I’m sorry too.’_

Knowing Izaya was watching he didn’t hold back. Leaping onto the vending machine. Shizuo followed the route to the rooftop Izaya had taken before he fell. As he reached the edge of the roof Shizuo grabbed the street sign from the wall and flung it over his head onto the roof. When he got his feet under him he saw Izaya standing by the street sign with that same sly smile and melancholy expression.

Shizuo’s chest tightened at the same time it felt like he was melting. He knew why he had felt like there was a gaping hole in his chest. He had needed Izaya, he needed that smile and those eyes. Seeing them again made Shizuo feel like everything was back where it should be. He wanted nothing more than to show how sorry he was for all the pain that he’d caused. He wanted to make up for everything, whatever it took.

Shizuo didn’t know how much of his thoughts showed on his face. Izaya seemed to understand because he grinned suddenly.

“We aren’t done yet, are we?” He asked. Clearly he already knew the answer.

That grin filled Shizuo’s chest with relief and pure happiness.

“Only if you want to be.” He responded with a grin of his own, more than ready to act on the emotions coursing through his bloodstream.

“Not a chance.” Izaya hissed, sounding as eager as Shizuo felt.

Moments later he was off, Shizuo following right behind him. The blond stooped to pick up the street sign, pausing to fling it into the wall ahead of Izaya so the raven could leap from the sign to the roof without having to pull himself up by his arms.

That was how they continued. Any projectile that Shizuo threw was solely aimed to help Izaya over the next obstacle. Any knife Izaya threw led Shizuo to another projectile. If the first fight had been an accusation, this was an apology. Every move they made was driven by the desire to show the other how badly they wanted to make up for the mistakes and the pain they had caused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was pretty much the reason I decided to go this route with this story, so I hope you liked it. Opposites being unable to exist without each other is a concept I myself love so I wanted to see if it worked here. I also really wanted the two of them to have the opportunity to kill each other freely given and be able to just... not... sorry if I broke it. 
> 
> I'm also sorry that the chapter came out a little later than I was anticipating, but now there's only a few chapters left and then I'm gonna move on to something else. More Shizaya but a different story line that I'm pretty excited for. 
> 
> Anyway let me know how you liked the chapter and if it was worth it or if I stretched the story a bit too much.


	17. I Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took so long! People have suddenly started wanting to spend time with me on the weekends when I usually work on finishing touches for this and I don't understand time management enough to be able to do both. Here's the next chapter (finally) I really hope you like it even though it's so late.

Izaya’s lungs were aching and his breath was coming in ragged gasps when he finally stopped to lean heavily against a beige brick wall, covered by shadows in a dimly lit alley. He couldn’t run anymore, couldn’t even take another step. He wasn’t even sure his legs would hold him up much longer they were shaking so badly. Luckily they didn’t have to, barely seconds after Izaya’s back hit the wall Shizuo rounded the corner at a flat out run. He screeched to a halt when his eyes found Izaya against the wall at the end of the alley, waiting.

“Sorry Shizu-chan,” Izaya panted as he tilted his head back, still catching his breath. “I don’t think I can go any further.”

Shizuo stared at Izaya for a moment the raven studied him in turn. His blond hair was damped down with sweat and his breathing was as erratic as Izaya’s. Without a word Shizuo stepped forward, pulling on Izaya’s hip he wrapped an arm around Izaya’s waist. Simultaneously supporting Izaya’s weight and pulling him closer.

It felt like every muscle in Izaya’s body was sore, his arms hung limp and useless at his sides and he knew he deserved every ounce of pain. Then suddenly none of it mattered because Shizuo was kissing him. Izaya’s lips parted, allowing Shizuo to take full advantage of the access this granted him. Izaya let Shizuo twine their tongues together, leaning into his mouth. Finally Shizuo pulled away, gently placing his hand against Izaya’s face.  

“Are you ok?” Shizuo asked quietly.

Izaya nodded as he closed his eyes and leaned his cheek into Shizuo’s warm palm.

“It’ll be a bit before I can move my arms again,” he clarified, “but otherwise I’m fine. Just… tired.”

“Your arms.” Izaya opened his eyes when Shizuo spoke. “Is that from…”  Shizuo had to pause to take a shaky breath. “Did I…” There was so much pain and regret in his voice Izaya couldn’t let him finish.

“They’ll heal.” Izaya said quickly, desperately wishing he could mimic Shizuo’s movement and place his hand on the blond’s face, he still couldn’t lift his arms. “They’ll be sore for a couple of days and it’ll be a few more weeks before they’re as good as they used to be,” maybe longer after today but Izaya didn’t say that, “but they’ll heal.”

Shizuo studied him carefully for a moment, before pulling him in close. Izaya could feel his pain in the tension in his body and the careful way he held Izaya. Regret and remorse filled Izaya’s chest; he had to struggle just to breath.

“Why?” Shizuo asked into Izaya’s shoulder.

It was the question he had been dreading. He had promised himself he would tell the truth. That meant admitting things he would rather keep hidden.

“Why Izaya?” Shizuo’s voice was barely above a whisper. “Why couldn’t you just tell me?”

“You wouldn’t have believed me.” Izaya mumbled. “I barely believed me.”

“But you didn’t even try.” Shizuo insisted.

The shear anguish in Shizuo’s voice made Izaya’s uncertain breath catch in his throat.

“I was scared.” Izaya choked out finally. “Shizu-chan that first time you woke up, when I realized you lost your memories… if you’d said you hated me….” He let his frustration at his predicament bleed into his voice, trying to hide just how much it hurt. “I forgot how to live with your hatred then you forgot you loved me. If you had said you hated me I think it would have killed me.” Izaya pulled back and smiled bitterly at Shizuo. “Not that it mattered.” He couldn’t help the acrid tone in his voice any more. “In the end I destroyed everything simply because I couldn’t touch you.”

That was all he wanted to do right now. Lift his hand and touch Shizuo’s face, his hair, his arm, anything. Izaya’s muscles wouldn’t obey. He hated feeling so helpless.

Shizuo seemed to understand. He moved his hand from Izaya’s shoulder down to his wrist. Pulling Izaya’s hand up Shizuo placed it against his own cheek. Izaya was struck speechless at the movement. Shizuo’s hand was so caring and gentle, his face so filled with concern, all Izaya could think was how beautiful Shizuo was.

Izaya ran his thumb across Shizuo’s cheekbone, his fingers tracing the blond’s brow. Shizuo leaned into the touch closing his eyes. So beautiful. Izaya chest was filled with remorse, he wanted to fix everything.

“I’m sorry.” The words spilled out of his mouth before Izaya even realized they were in his throat. “I’m so sorry Shizu-chan.”

Shizuo opened his eyes but Izaya kept talking. He had to be sure Shizuo understood just how truly sorry he was.

“I’m sorry for working so hard to make you miserable. I’m sorry for causing you so much pain. I’m sorry for being too weak to tell you the truth. I’m sorry.” He meant it. He had wanted to believe in Shizu-chan but it had just hurt so much. “I’m sorry for being useless. I’m sorry for being a coward who couldn’t even tell you I love you until I had already lost everything.” There was so much he wanted to apologize for and more than anything he needed Shizuo to understand. “I’m sorry Shizu-chan. I’m so sorry.”

Shizuo let the stream of apologies flow for a few more seconds before he sifted his fingers into Izaya’s hair.

“I know.” He murmured as he pulled their foreheads together.

“I’m sorry.” Izaya said again to be sure.

“I know.” Shizuo repeated.

“Shizu-chan…”

“I know Izaya.” Shizuo interrupted gently. “I know.”

He paused until Izaya nodded tentatively.

“I’m sorry too.” Shizuo continued. “I’m sorry for forgetting something so important.” His hand gently stroked Izaya’s har. “I’m sorry for giving you every reason to doubt me. I’m sorry for letting you be miserable for so long.” Shizuo’s voice was heavy with emotion and remorse. “I’m sorry I can’t say I would have believed you.” He moved his hand from Izaya’s hair to run it along the length of his arm “I’m sorry for hurting you like this. Izaya I’m so sorry for all of it.”

Izaya nodded into Shizuo’s forehead. He gripped the blond strands of hair.

“I know.” He did know. How could he not? Every move Shizuo had made since Izaya fell from the roof had been screaming apologies. “I know Shizu-chan. For what it’s worth, I forgive you.”

Just like that all the tension seemed to rush out of Shizuo’s limbs. Izaya’s own muscles released tension he hadn’t even realized they’d been holding.

“Yeah.” Shizuo mumbled.

“Next time I’ll tell you.” Izaya offered apologetically.

Shizuo huffed a dry laugh.

“I sure as hell hope there isn’t a next time.” He growled fervently.

Izaya felt his eyes widen in surprise before he smiled. “Yeah,” he agreed, “No next time.”

He turned his head to the side, looking towards the end of the alley.

“You know Shizu-chan, as much as I enjoy standing in the alley with you, we are pretty close to your apartment.”

“Right.” Shizuo nodded tiredly.

Even though he seemed to be running as low on energy as Izaya Shizuo carefully pulled Izaya’s arm over his shoulder. Readjusting so he could wrap his other arm around Izaya’s waist from the side.

“Why are you so tired beast?” Izaya asked exhaustion coating his voice. “You weren’t injured too were you?”

“No.” Shizuo replied. “But there’s this flea that hasn’t been around lately.” He glanced pointedly at Shizuo. “No one pushes me as hard as you, even when you’re injured.”

“Good.” Was all Izaya could manage through the warmth tightening his chest.

“So hurry up and heal.” Shizuo added. “I’ve missed you.”

Izaya glanced up sharply to find Shizuo looking at him uncertainly.

“You mean you want to start our sparring matches again?” He asked.

“Only if you want to.” Shizuo said.

“Oh” Izaya answered simply. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to go back to that or not.

 

* * *

 

It didn’t take them long to reach Shizuo’s apartment.

Surprisingly as soon as they were all the way inside it was Shizuo’s legs that gave out first. His knees hit the floor and he wrapped his arms around Izaya’s waist. Izaya breathed in deeply as he leaned his back against the plaster wall his wrists resting on Shizuo’s shoulders. Izaya let himself slide to the floor. With Shizu-chan’s head now resting on his chest Izaya let his arms wrap around the blond’s shoulders. Shizuo’s grip tightened and his hands fisted in the black fabric of Izaya’s shirt. Izaya wondered idly if the material would tear, not that it would matter if it did. Having Shizu-chan cling to him like this filled Izaya’s chest with so much warmth he was almost afraid it would shatter. He had forgotten the blond could do that to him.

It didn’t take long for Izaya to realize Shizuo wasn’t the only one clinging. His own hands were clasped tightly into the back of Shizuo’s vest and he had buried his face in the blond hair. Izaya wished time would stop, that neither of them would ever have to move again, that they could stay here together and never worry about the outside world. For a while it seemed like his wish had been granted. They sat together in silence listening to the sound of each other’s breathing. Eventually time started again, when Shizuo spoke Izaya was infinitely grateful that it had. Shizuo turned his head slightly so he wouldn’t be speaking into the raven’s chest. He took a deep breath in and Izaya waited.

“I love you Izaya.” Shizuo said finally.

Izaya’s voice caught in his throat when he realized there had still been a part of him that had been afraid he would never hear those words again.

“Me too.”  He choked out as soon as he could speak again. “I love you too.” He marveled again at how unimportant those three simple letters were. Too. One word and it changed so much. He really wasn’t alone anymore. Shizuo loved him back. He hoped desperately that he would be able to believe it again.

Shizuo shifted into a slightly more comfortable position and with some effort Izaya readjusted his arms. Their lips met briefly before Shizuo pulled Izaya’s head down to his shoulder. The blond rested his cheek on top of Izaya’s hair. Their breathing slowed in tandem and silence reigned. Izaya didn’t even notice when they fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter has as much emotion coming from it as I put into it. I know it came out after a bit of a gap and is very much riding on the emotions from the last two chapters but it means a lot to the two of them and I hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> Anyway this story is almost done, only a few more chapters left, we're actually gonna get a bit from Celty in the next chapter so there's that. Let me know what you think!


	18. Worried

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone is still waiting for this chapter I am so so sorry it took this long! Life happened and I got stuck and couldn't figure out how the next few chapters should go. Then a bunch of people started wanting to spend time with me which was weird and I have no time management skills so I got completely burned out. No real excuse I am very sorry I intend to start posting regularly again. I hope anyone who reads it will enjoy what I've got planned for the rest of this story... and maybe read the next few stories that I will write because I can't seem to get them out of my head any other way. 
> 
> Picking up where I left off I hope you enjoy it!

[I wonder if Shizuo’s ok] Celty worried for the tenth time since she’d come home.

“Well then, why don’t we go check on them?” Shinra said finally. “You mentioned Izaya fell from a rooftop, so I’d better make sure he’s ok. If you give me a ride we can check on Shizuo while we’re there.”

Celty paused at what Shinra had just said. Finally she typed slowly on her phone.

[You don’t think they’re together right now… do you?]

“Well yeah.” Shinra said. “Shizuo said he’s in love with Izaya didn’t he? So why wouldn’t they be?

[I told you they were fighting] Celty typed quickly. [That means things didn’t go well.]

“You also said they didn’t kill each other.” Shinra countered easily. “They’re probably just working things out. If you don’t believe me let’s go to Shizuo’s, I bet that’s where they are.”

[We’ll go] Celty agreed with a sigh [but only because I’m worried about Shizuo, I don’t think Izaya will be there.]

“It’s a bet.” Shinra chimed happily “If he’s there you have to wear the maid outfit for me for a whole day.”

Vaguely resigned and noncommittal smoke puffed from Celty’s neck. She hadn’t agreed to anything but she followed Shinra out the door.

The ride to Shizuo’s was a short one. Shinra seemed to enjoy it, clinging to her back tighter than was strictly necessary. Not that Celty minded, in the dark there was no one to see them anyway. They reached Shizuo’s apartment, Celty rang the doorbell while Shinra bounced eagerly on his toes next to her. No one answered the door. She rang the bell again and exchanged a worried glance with Shinra.

“Maybe they’re not here.” Shinra offered, reaching out to try the handle.

They glanced at each other again when the door opened without resistance. Uncertainly Celty poked her head in. The apartment was dark and silent. Celty moved further into the apartment, noticing a figure huddled against the wall just past the entryway. Not sure what to expect she slipped off her shoes and approached Shizuo. When she stepped out of the entryway Celty stopped in surprise.

Shizuo wasn’t alone.

He and Izaya were huddled against the wall tangled together in a confusing mass of limbs. They clung to each other, sleeping like a pair of children exhausted after a long day of playing too hard. Celty tilted her head as she looked at them. There was a word for this but she had never thought it would be used to describe either of them.

“See?”

Celty jumped at Shinra’s excitable voice next to her elbow.

“I told you Izaya would be here.” Shinra added happily “Come on let’s wake them up and…”

Shadows shot from Celty’s hands, covering the doctor’s mouth and pulling him away from the sleeping pair.

[Don’t you dare wake them up.] Celty typed emphatically.

Shinra tilted his head curiously, unconcerned as always by the black shadows holding him a foot above the ground.

“Why not?” He asked, voice muffled and contorted by the shadows covering his mouth.

[They’re too cute!] She said immediately unable to contain herself [Neither of them has any right to be that cute but they are and we are not waking them up!]

Shinra smiled and shrugged amicably so Celty dismissed the shadows covering his mouth.

“Don’t you want to know how they got here?” Shinra asked quietly as Celty lowered him to the ground.

[Of course I do] Celty typed out quickly [we’re both just going to have to wait until tomorrow]

She turned briefly back to the sleeping couple because they were just too cute. She heard a shutter sound beside her and glanced over to see Shinra with his phone out, snapping pictures. Sighing to herself she started typing.

[Just don’t post them online ok?] She told Shinra [I don’t know how well I’ll be able to keep you alive if both of your friends are trying to kill you.]

Shinra just laughed nervously and slipped his phone back in his pocket.

“Is it ok to leave them like that?” Shinra asked suddenly.

Celty pulled out her phone and started typing.

“I’m not saying we should wake them up.” Shinra said before she could finish. “But if they sleep on the floor all night, they might get sick.”

Celty paused to study the pair on the floor for a moment then glanced around the room. There was a blanket hanging on the back of the couch. Carefully spreading it over Shizuo and Izaya she turned back to Shinra.

[Is that enough?] She asked.

“Ah yeah,” Shinra nodded, “That should be alright.”

Leaving the pair asleep Shinra and Celty left the apartment quietly.

[I still don’t understand why Izaya was there.] Celty typed furiously as soon as they were back at home. [He hates Shizuo doesn’t he?]

Shinra froze for a second. “I knew there was something I forgot to tell you.” He said to the air in front of him.”

[What is it? Celty asked impatiently when Shinra didn’t continue.

“Shizuo and Izaya were dating.”

[What!?]

Shinra then launched into a ridiculous story. According to him Shizuo and Izaya had started dating and apparently been very happy until Shizuo had lost parts of his memory.

[They were really dating?] Celty asked when he’d finished, finding all of this very hard to believe.

“‘Madly in love’ was how Izaya put it.” Shinra confirmed.

_So Shizuo’s dreams really were true._ Celty realized.

[Why would Shizuo only forget that they were dating?] Celty asked.

“I don’t really know.” Shinra admitted. “There could be a lot of reasons. I don’t even know if that’s all he forgot. There could be other things that we just didn’t notice.”

[But he remembers now]

“Seems that way.”

[Then why didn’t Shizuo tell me any of this?] Celty demanded

“I don’t know.” Shinra admitted. “They didn’t tell you before so maybe he was trying to respect Izaya’s wishes.” Shinra thought for a moment. “ But he did talk to you about it so maybe he doesn’t remember but still loves Izaya.”

[You have to tell him.] Celty said immediately.

“But Celty it might be better if he doesn’t know.” Shinra objected.

[Those are his memories. He has a right to know!] Celty insisted.

“Alright.” Shinra smiled at her. “If that’s what you want Celty.”


	19. What Now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the latest chapter everyone. It's a bit longer than the last one. Enjoy! I hope you like it.

Shizuo woke to the scent of Izaya.

At first he thought he was still dreaming but the warmth at his shoulder shifted.

Shizuo opened his eyes. They were still in the living room, just past the entryway with a blanket covering their laps.

“You’re awake.” Izaya commented.

Shizuo blinked at that. The sun shining through the curtains said it was mid-morning, if he was just waking up now then…

“I slept?” He mumbled uncertainly.

“We both did.” Izaya said in amusement, arching his back in a stretch and nuzzling back against Shizuo “On the floor and everything.”

“Yeah” Shizuo mumbled. “I just haven’t slept well since I…” He paused and glanced at Izaya “Since the last time I saw you.”

“Oh” Izaya murmured looking at the ground. “Me neither.” He added after a moment.

Shizuo had to check himself to make sure he didn’t crush Izaya’s hand from squeezing too hard.

“Nightmares?” The blond asked.

Izaya nodded silently then “You?”

“Same.” Shizuo responded quietly.

They sat in silence for a moment, Shizuo resting his forehead on Izaya’s shoulder.

“How long did it take you to remember?” Izaya asked finally.

Shizuo glanced up to find Izaya’s eyes focused on the opposite wall and his expression carefully impassive.

 “I remembered yesterday.” Shizuo admitted slowly. “When you told me you loved me.”

“Yesterday?” Izaya asked sharply, muscles tensing as he looked at Shizuo. “If that’s when you remembered then why did you come to see me?” He asked tersely. “Did you want to finish what you started? Or did you just want to make sure you aren’t a murderer?”

“That’s not…”

“Maybe Vorona would respect you more if you had killed me.” Izaya snapped cruelly.

“Izaya.” Shizuo cut him off sharply.

They glared at each other for a long moment until Izaya broke away.

“I’m getting coffee.” He announced, standing abruptly and stalking into the kitchen area.

Frustration mounted in Shizuo’s chest as he rose to follow Izaya. If he could just get a word in edgewise he would explain that he went to find Izaya because he loved him and he didn’t have any feelings for Vorona.

His anger was quenched almost before it began when he saw Izaya trying to lift his arms to open the cupboard. The raven could barely get his hands above his waist.

Quickly Shizuo moved in behind him, opening the cupboard and pulling out two cups.

Placing the cups on the counter Shizuo set about making coffee. Izaya wasn’t listening right now and Shizuo had done enough damage to last a lifetime. He didn’t want a misplaced word to cause even more pain.

The percolating system completed its work and Shizuo poured two cups of steaming coffee. Fixing both cups with cream and sugar Shizuo carefully handed one to Izaya.

“I’m sorry.” Izaya said quietly as he took the mug Shizuo offered in both hands. “Just now that was… petty… I shouldn’t have said it, I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright.” Shizuo said. He was worried Izaya seemed almost helpless. Like Shizuo could break him with a single sentence and Izaya couldn’t do anything to protect himself.

Shizuo waited quietly as Izaya turned away and climbed up to sit on the edge of the table. His movements were slow and disjointed, it was clear that even that slight amount of exertion caused him pain.

 “Izaya, about Vorona.” Shizuo said carefully. He wanted to reassure Izaya. Tell him that everything would be ok.

“If you’re going to pick her over me then tell me now.” Izaya cut in quickly.

“I don’t...” Shizuo started this was having the opposite effect than he’d wanted.

“If you tell me now I can leave.” Izaya continued forcefully “If you wait and pick her… I don’t know what I’ll do.”

“I’m not in love with Vorona.” Shizuo tried again, saying it as clearly as he could.

“You once hated me.” Izaya pointed out. “It’s not too far a stretch to think you could soon love her.”

“That’s different.” Shizuo growled, if Izaya would just let him speak...

“Sure it is.” Izaya purred dangerously. “She isn’t an annoying fleabag whose very existence sends you into a blind rage, she hasn’t spent years ruining your life, and Russian assassins are notoriously difficult to kill, she might even be a match for you. She fits all your criteria for a perfect partner Shizu-chan.”

Normally a rant like that might have set Shizuo off but… Izaya just looked so hurt. Add to that the fact that most of what he’d said had been Shizuo’s own words thrown back at him and all Shizuo could feel was guilty. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath in.

“I can’t love Vorona.” Shizuo reiterated slowly.

Izaya snorted at that. “Whyever not? She’s perfect for you Shizu-chan.”

“Besides the fact that I’m hopelessly in love with you?” Shizuo asked bitterly. “Vorona’s a woman.”

“So?” Izaya scoffed. “What does that have to do with it?”

Shizuo groaned internally, looking at the floor. He’d hoped Izaya would have figured it out by now.

“I can’t…” no that wasn’t right. “I don’t…” Shizuo took another deep breath in “Women don’t do it for me.” He glanced up to find Izaya gaping at him.

“Are you trying to tell me you’re gay?” Izaya asked incredulously.

Shizuo nodded, averting his eyes. He’d never actually told anyone before.

“How did I not know this?” Izaya asked.

Shizuo shrugged uncomfortably. “I kinda thought you already knew.” He admitted. “Plus, didn’t the fact that I’m dating you kind of give it away?”

Izaya blinked. “Oh.” He said, then after a pause. “I’m not.”

Shizuo blinked in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“I can go either way.” Izaya clarified. “Men or women, it doesn’t matter.”

“Oh.” Was all Shizuo could say. If Izaya knew that about himself that meant he had experimented. Shizuo didn’t like to think about that.

“How long?” Izaya asked, and Shizuo realized it had been quiet for an uncomfortably long time.

“What?” He asked, uncertain what Izaya’s question meant.

“How long have you known that you only like men?” Izaya clarified.

 Shizuo shrugged again. “I guess I figured it out in high school.”

“So you’ve known you were gay as long as you’ve known me.” Izaya clarified.

“What? No.” Shizuo said in surprise. “I didn’t really figure it out until the last couple of years of high school.” He tilted his head, looking at Izaya. Something had occurred to him in the last couple of months, the raven had a right to know. “I met the first guy I liked before that though.”

“Oh yeah?” Izaya grumbled intrigued in spite of himself. “I suppose with you it would have been some middle school playground romance? All sappy and sweet.”

Shizuo smiled a little. “Something like that.” He just wanted to make it right. All of it. This wouldn’t be enough but it was a start. “I had just finished this up this fight on a soccer field when this guy started clapping.”

“Really Shizu-chan.” Izaya drawled unimpressed.

“Yeah clapping.” Shizuo confirmed, maintaining the pretense. “But see this guy was really pretty.” He glanced at Izaya and smiled. “To this day he’s the prettiest guy I’ve seen.”

Izaya snorted. “If you told him that he probably would have stabbed you.”

Shizuo’s smile broadened. “He did anyway. When Shinra introduced us my heart started racing so fast I thought I was gonna get in a fight. The way he was looking at me I thought that’s what he wanted.” Shizuo looked away suddenly unsure. He didn’t know anymore, what Izaya had wanted, if all this pain could have been avoided if he’d just been a little more self-aware. “Anyway, by the time I realized my preferences I already associated him with violence. It wasn’t until he forcefully removed himself from my life that I realized my heart racing and the confusing mess of feelings I got every time I saw him were because I was in love.”

Shizuo stepped away from the counter leaving his coffee there. “Izaya I came looking for you because I wanted to tell you I love you.” There had been a bit more to it but that was the important part.

“But, I remembered everything and now you’re back.” Shizuo moved closer until he could place a hand on Izaya’s cheek. “I want to spend the rest of my life with the prettiest boy I know.” Shizuo moved in slowly to place a gentle kiss on Izaya’s soft lips. He pulled back far enough that he wasn’t trapping Izaya. “If you’ll have me.” All Shizuo wanted was for Izaya to believe him.

Izaya sighed and set his cup on the table beside him.

“I wanted it.” He said finally.

Shizuo blinked not following the train of thought.

“The fight when we first met.” Izaya clarified. “I wanted it.”

“Why?” Shizuo asked.

Izaya smiled sadly. “When you fight you have so much passion, sometimes it’s over the stupidest things but It’s always there.” Izaya’s eyes were unfocused, staring at nothing as he remembered. “I wanted to see what it was like to have that passion directed at me.” His head tilted to the side. “I wanted all your attention focused on me. I wanted to be your whole world.” His eyes refocused on Shizuo, but his lips maintained their distant smile.

“And?” Shizuo pressed.

Izaya frowned. “It was everything that I wanted, and not nearly enough. Having your attention on me like that, it was addictive. You pushed me to my limit so I extended my limit, but you did it again and again. It was exhilarating. I loved it; but you hated it.”

Guilt stabbed at Shizuo’s chest but Izaya continued before he could say anything.

“It’s ok, I knew what I was doing.” The raven said quickly. “I let myself alienate you because it was easier than being rejected. The point is, ever since that first fight, I knew what I wanted from you. When I got it...” His sentence went unfinished but the eyes that found Shizuo’s were hopeful and uncertain. “Can I really have that again?”

Shizuo reached out and carefully took Izaya’s hand in his own, gently pulling Izaya’s fingers to his lips.

“I’ll do whatever it takes for you to believe that you can.” Shizuo promised fervently.

Izaya’s smile came back again, this time it was almost sly as he looped his hand behind Shizuo’s neck.

“That sounds almost pleasant.” He purred happily.

Shizuo returned the smile with one of his own as he wrapped his arm around Izaya’s waist and moved in closer.

“It can be.” He agreed quietly before softly placing his lips on Izaya’s.

Words had done what they could, Shizuo wanted to show Izaya that he meant them.

Izaya leaned in to eagerly deepen the kiss.

Suddenly a knock came at the door. Shizuo broke away to glare towards the treacherous slab of wood. Irrational fear that someone was going to try to take Izaya away set his nerves on edge when a second knock came to the door.

“You’re gonna have to answer that.” Izaya pointed out.

Shizuo glanced down to find he’d practically crushed the smaller man against his chest.

“Sorry” He mumbled, gently releasing Izaya and stepping towards the entrance.

He opened the door to find an annoyingly chipper underground doctor on the other side with a long suffering dulahan behind him.

“Hey Shizuo-kun” Shinra piped happily. “I’m here to check on Izaya, let me in.”

“What makes you think Izaya’s here?” Shizuo demanded.

Before he could respond Shinra’s mouth was covered by black shadows as Celty typed quickly on her phone.

[Sorry Shizuo] She started. [I was worried and wanted to come check on you.]

“I’m fine so you don’t have to worry.” Shizuo said before she could type more. “But can you come back later I’ve got to…”

 “It’s alright Shizu-chan” Izaya cut him off, stepping into the entryway behind Shizuo. “They would both know by the end of the day anyway.”

“Izaya” Shizuo turned halfway back to the room, fighting the urge to step protectively between Izaya and the doorway. “Are you sure?” He asked.

“Well it’s a bit late to take it back so I’d better be” Izaya pointed out.

“Does this mean you’ve got your memory back?” Shinra asked excitedly. “Celty it looks like…”

He was roughly interrupted by his back slamming into the wall of Shizuo’s entryway with the blond’s hands fisted in the front of his shirt.

“You knew.” Shizuo growled viciously into Shinra’s face, uncaring of the cracks spidering across his wall. “You knew I’d lost my memory and you didn’t tell me.”

“I’m sorry Shizuo, Izaya told me not to say anything.” Shinra said quickly.

“Doesn’t matter.” Shizuo growled shaking Shinra violently before dropping him to the ground. “Something that important you should have told me. I don’t care what Izaya said.”

He turned away leaving Shinra in a heap on the ground and stormed back into his apartment.

Celty followed quickly, typing on her phone as Shinra and Izaya closed the door.

[Are you ok?] Celty asked Shizuo once he had settled back against the kitchen counter.

Shizuo just nodded, not trusting his voice yet. He pulled out a cigarette and lit it up. He pulled in a long drag and let it out slowly.

[We were here last night.] Celty told him as he smoked. Shizuo let his facial expression convey his surprise. [You didn’t lock the door so we came in.] She explained.

“Guess it was pointless for me not to let you in then.” Shizuo commented, grateful for the distraction.

[Sorry.] She apologized.

Shizuo shrugged. "The blanket this morning, that was you?" He asked.

[You shouldn't sleep on the floor, you'll get sick.] Celty reminded him [You were both exhausted so I didn't want to wake you up.]

"Thanks Celty." Shizuo said before taking another drag of his cigarette. “Why didn’t you stop me just now?” He asked, expelling the smoke from his lungs.

[Shinra should have told you] Celty replied.

“But Celty I could have…”

[I don’t think you would have hurt him] Celty cut him off.

“But…”

[You have more control than you think Shizuo] Celty told him, placing a hand firmly on his shoulder.

Shizuo slowly released the smoke from his lungs up into the air.

 “I don’t know about that.” He mused as Celty moved away.

He took a few more drags of his cigarette before putting it out.

“Shizu-chan” Shizuo looked toward the approaching raven uncertainly.

Izaya took Shizuo’s face in both his hands. Pulling Shizuo’s face down Izaya gently kissed his forehead. When released Shizuo just stared at him in confusion.

“I forgive you.” Izaya murmured resting his forehead against Shizuo’s. “I told you that before stupid monster, did you forget already?”

Shizuo felt the tension drain from his limbs, easily replaced by relief and guilt.

“I remember but…” _I can’t forgive myself._

“I know.” Izaya murmured pulling Shizuo’s head to his shoulder. “Me neither.”

Shizuo wrapped his arms around Izaya and buried his face in the raven’s neck. He allowed Izaya’s presence to alleviate the guilt flowing through his veins.

It seemed Izaya could tell, when Shizuo had calmed down enough he pulled away.

“Are you ok now?” Izaya asked softly.

Shizuo nodded.

“Good.” Izaya murmured “Because Shinra is dying to see the damage. You probably shouldn’t be around for that so we’ll head to his place.”

Shizuo shook his head. “Do it here.” He said decisively. “I need to see it.”

“Shizu-chan you don’t have to…” Izaya started worriedly.

“Yes I do.” Shizuo cut him off.

Izaya studied him for a long moment before nodding quietly.

Shizuo glanced back to where Celty and Shinra were watching them.

“Let’s get this over with.” Shizuo said in what he hoped was a determined voice.

Izaya nodded again, this time in preparation, and Shizuo reluctantly released his hold.

“You ready?” Shinra asked as Izaya turned towards him.

“What do you want to look at first?” Izaya asked by way of an answer.

“Let’s start with taking off your shirt.” Shinra chimed, opening his bag and pulling out some bandages and other implements.

Shizuo watched suspiciously as Izaya removed the article of clothing. The raven was trying far to hard to make it look casual. As the shirt came up Shizuo understood why. Izaya’s torso was a mass of bruises, old and new, purple yellow and blue skin covered his body. In a few places over Izaya’s ribs the skin had split open and was surrounded by painfully red inflamed flesh. The stab wound Izaya received months ago had reopened as well, gently leaking blood and puss that had now dried to a crust covering what was going to leave a nasty scar. Shizuo’s fists clenched at his sides and he tried not to grind his teeth as the shirt came the rest of the way off and Shizuo saw Izaya’s arms.

_This is my fault._

Shizuo had known that, but he’d been unable or unwilling to face the reality of it.

The sight of Izaya’s arms brought that reality crashing back into him.

Again.

If Izaya’s torso was a mass of bruises then Izaya’s arms were multiple masses of bruises layered on top of each other. Swollen and abused, Shizuo couldn’t rip his eyes away. The discolored and damaged skin accused him of everything he’d done wrong.

“Shizu-chan”

Shizuo’s eyes snapped to the raven’s face at the sound of his name. Guilt and anger raged through his veins. He needed to hit someone. The need for a fight pulsed at his temples. He couldn’t do anything about it, the one to blame for his anger was himself.

“Are you ok?” Izaya’s voice sounded miles away.

Shizuo couldn’t take it. He stood abruptly and stormed into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him. He stood trembling for a few moments trying to control his breathing.

Eventually regaining a small amount of control Shizuo staggered a few steps forward and sat on the bed.

_I’m a monster_

The image of Izaya’s bettered body wouldn’t leave his mind, it confirmed the truth he’d already known.

_I am a monster and I will destroy everything I love._

It had been Izaya who forced Shizuo to accept that truth. Izaya had proved it but…

_I still love him,_ Shizuo realized, he’d said it already but he hadn’t understood what it meant.

_No matter how he’s hurt me… or I him. After everything I’ve done I have no right to but…_

_I still love Izaya._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There it is I hope you enjoyed it! Let me know what you think!


	20. I'm Still Here

Izaya watched Shizuo leave the room. Hearing the loud slam of the door he narrowed his eyes.

_Shizu-chan was right. I made his worst nightmare come true._

Seeing a black shadow shifting out of the corner of his eye he grabbed Celty’s arm as she tried to move past him to follow Shizuo.

“That’s not your job courier.” Izaya said quietly.

She paused to type on her phone.

[You’re not paying me] She told him.

“I’m not.” Izaya agreed, staring down the hallway. “But the one who gets to chase after Shizu-chan is me.”

He slipped off his perch on the table, trying not to grimace from the pain of moving. “You two wait here.” He told them cheerfully before heading down the hallway. He tried to keep a jaunty bounce to his step, but he had to admit that falling uncontrolled off a building did make moving rather painful.

Izaya opened Shizuo’s door without knocking. He found Shizuo with his face buried in his knees and his hands gripping the back of his hair.

“Go away.” Shizuo growled without raising his head.

Izaya watched quietly, this was what he had been afraid of. He hadn’t wanted Celty to see Shizu-chan like this. This was what Izaya had caused.

“You know I never listen when you say that Shizu-chan.” Izaya commented closing the door with his foot.

Shizuo looked up at the quiet sound of the door clicking shut. He sighed when he met Izaya’s eyes and dropped his feet to the ground.

“I’m fine Izaya.” He said “Just… get Shinra to patch you up and I’ll be alright in a bit.”

Sitting like that Shizuo reminded Izaya of a lost kid trying to act tough.

“Sure you’re fine.” Izaya agreed. “You’re about as fine as I am.”

Shizuo glanced at Izaya’s exposed and bettered torso. His eyes lingered on the reopened stab wound and split skin on his ribs, then moved to the bruises on Izaya’s arms.

“It’s not your fault Shizu-chan.” Izaya stepped forward as he tried to reassure his monster.

“The hell it isn’t.” Shizuo growled meeting Izaya’s eyes with a glare.

Izaya held his ground staring down the beast.

“I’m the one who spent months riling you into enough of a frenzy to kill me.” Izaya hissed with a vicious certainty. “I’m the one who didn’t tell you why until after you failed. Shizu-chan this is _my fault_ ”

Shizuo reached out as if to touch Izaya but quickly pulled his hand back.

“I’m the one that took the bait.” Shizuo half growled half murmured, as if he couldn’t decide whether he was berating himself or comforting Izaya. “I’m the one that gave you those bruises. Izaya don’t you dare try to take all the blame. If you do I will never be able to forgive myself.”

Shizuo’s voice was fraught with pain but he glared at Izaya until the raven gave a reluctant nod.

“Alright” Izaya agreed finally stepping towards the bed “but Shizu-chan you need to know, you still can’t hurt me.”

Yesterday Izaya had realized he had taken something from Shizu-chan. Something very important that the blond treasured even as he roared his hatred across the city. Izaya hadn’t even thought about how important his own invulnerability was to Shizu-chan. No, he had thought about it. He had wanted to take it away to hurt Shizu-chan more. Now he wanted to give it back.

“What part of that isn’t hurt?” Shizuo asked, but he let Izaya place a knee on the bed next to his leg.

“Let me prove it.” Izaya said taking one of Shizuo’s hands and placing it on his own side. “Check the damage.” He insisted. “All of it.”

Shizuo hesitated for a moment then nodded. Izaya placed his other knee on the bed so he was straddling Shizuo’s lap then settled back into the supporting hand Shizuo offered at the small of his back. Shizuo waited until Izaya was comfortable before taking a deep breath and directing his attention to Izaya’s torso.

Gently moving his hand Shizuo began by exploring the tender flesh over Izaya’s floating ribs. Izaya winced as Shizuo applied a soft pressure to a sensitive section as he moved his fingers upward. If it had been Shinra Izaya probably would have contained the reaction but he didn’t want to hide anything from Shizu-chan. Shizuo glanced up at him and Izaya shrugged trying not to avert his eyes.

“Cracked rib.” Shizuo mumbled, noting Izaya’s reaction. “Probably happened when you fell. You looked like you were in pain.”

“Was I that obvious?” Izaya asked ruefully.

“No,” Shizuo responded, “I just know what to look for.” His eyes trailed back over Izaya’s injuries.

“What should I do for it?” Izaya asked.

“Huh?” Shizuo looked up at him in confusion.

“Well you’ve been injured enough that you know almost as much about this as Shinra.” Izaya pointed out, “So what should I do for this injury to make sure it heals properly.”

“By that logic you know about as much as I do.” Shizuo pointed out.

“Just humor me.” Izaya responded.

Shizuo brushed his thumb lightly over the tender flesh beneath his hand.

“Apply ointment to the bruise.” He said finally. “Bind it to try and keep it still but mostly just don’t move around too much. Stay off your feet as much as possible for the next couple of days. Ah no…” The furrow in Shizuo’s brow deepened. “Shinra says I heal faster than most people so make that a week at least.” Shizuo glanced up at Izaya. “Until it’s fully healed you should avoid activities such as fighting climbing and falling off of buildings.” He added dryly making Izaya smile.

“That’s what I’ll do then.” The raven agreed. “And the rest of my injuries?” He prompted.

Shizuo took another deep breath and moved his fingers carefully along the bruises on Izaya’s ribcage pressing gently in search of cracked or broken bones.

They continued like this until Shizuo had identified all of the injuries on Izaya’s torso. Izaya hid nothing, showing Shizuo all the damage they had caused. The bruises, the stab wound, the cracked and broken ribs, all of them. Izaya made Shizuo determine how to properly care for every injury.

“I don’t think I missed anything did I?” Shizuo asked, “Other than…” He glanced at Izaya’s arms, he hadn’t touched those yet. “I still don’t see what this is supposed to prove though.”

“Three cracked vertebrae.” Izaya said quietly.

Shizuo’s muscles froze and he stared wide eyed at Izaya his face paling.

“What?” He asked nearly inaudibly.

“They’re almost completely healed now.” Izaya assured him. “I think falling off the roof aggravated them but…”

Shizuo’s hands shot away from Izaya as if electrified.

“I broke your…” Shizuo didn’t finish the sentence as he pulled away.

Without Shizuo’s hand for support Izaya was at risk of falling backwards but he leaned forward bringing his face closer to Shizuo’s.

“You used an I-beam like a baseball bat to hit me into a high rise office building.” Izaya snarled. “What did you think had happened?” It was cruel, but Izaya didn’t see any other way to give back what he’d taken.

Still trying to pull away Shizuo fell back onto his elbows.

“When that didn’t kill me you chased me into the square to smack me around with a vending machine.” Izaya continued viciously. “When I couldn’t dodge your punch you fractured my right arm in two different places and broke my left arm in three places. The casts only came off a few days ago.”

Shizuo had turned his face to the side, anger and guilt warring on his features. Izaya grabbed his chin and forced Shizuo to meet his eyes. He placed his other hand beside Shizuo’s head and leaned in, ignoring the pain as he put weight on his arm.

“What did you think you were trying to do Shizu-chan?” Izaya hissed.

Shizuo had to say it himself if he was going to understand. Izaya needed him to understand.

“I was trying to kill you.” Shizuo growled, anger winning finally. “You were hurting my friends and I just wanted it to stop. I wanted you gone. I didn’t know how else to make it happen, so I was trying to kill you.”

“Liar” Izaya accused. “If Shizuo Heiwajima tried to kill someone they would be a pot of ashes right now.”

“It’s not a lie.” Shizuo growled, reaching up to grab the front of Izaya’s shirt. “I tried to kill you without holding anything back.”

“Truth Shizu-chan.” Izaya said, suddenly letting the confrontation drain from his voice. Sliding his hand up into Shizuo’s hair he softly pulled the blond strands away from Shizuo’s face.

“Do you believe that?” Izaya’s question wasn’t skeptical or demanding. He just wanted an honest, uncorrupted answer.

The tension leaked out of Shizuo’s muscles and the anger left his face as he reacted to Izaya’s hand on his hair.

“Yes.” Shizuo said finally, sorrow and regret tainting his voice. “I put everything I had into killing you.”

Izaya felt his shoulders sag in relief, bringing his face closer to Shizuo’s.

“That’s great.” He murmured silkily, a soft smile creeping onto his lips at Shizuo’s confused expression. “Because Shizu-chan, I’m still here.”

Realization and understanding flashed across Shizuo’s face. Izaya was still here. Shizuo had tried his hardest to kill him but Izaya was still here. He was injured, yes, but be was alive and Shizuo had seen for himself that Izaya’s injures would heal. Shizuo reached up and carefully twined his fingers into the back of Izaya’s hair. He pushed himself up until his mouth met Izaya’s.

Izaya didn’t think he would ever get enough of Shizuo’s lips on his own. He let his arms give out and sank into Shizuo’s chest as their tongues intertwined. Shizuo held them there for uncounted moments as they drowned themselves in the kiss. Finally Shizuo broke away and dropped to the bed with a loud thump, pulling Izaya with him. Burying his face in Izaya’s neck Shizuo took in a deep breath through his nose.

“Thank you.” Shizuo breathed almost desperately. “Thank you so much Izaya. Thank you for existing, thank you for being alive, thank you for everything. Thank you.” Shizuo took another shaky breath in, pausing the stream of gratitude.

Izaya stared at the bedding in front of him without really seeing it. Shizuo’s words were filling his chest with a feeling so warm and unfamiliar he could barely breath. Someone had missed him, someone _wanted_ him here. That someone being Shizuo made Izaya’s chest that much tighter and it was that much harder to react.

“Thank you Izaya.” Shizuo’s voice was calmer and he tightened his arms around Izaya ever so slightly. “Thank you for being you.”

That was all Izaya needed. Even just one moment of Shizuo _needing_ him, Izaya didn’t know if he would never be this happy again. That didn’t matter, nothing mattered but this moment.

Suddenly fear and regret tainted his thoughts. He had almost destroyed this. Izaya had come so close to never having received this because of his own actions.

Izaya moved, tilting his head to the side so he could press his lips to Shizuo's temple. Pulling backwards he moved to sit up. Shizuo kept one hand on Izaya's back and sat up with him. The light brown eyes clearly saying that he didn't want Izaya any further away than he had to be.

Izaya settled back into his position kneeling over Shizuo. He placed a hand on Shizuo's face gently pulling the blond hair out of Shizuo's eyes. The blond didn't say anything, just watched Izaya silently, waiting.

“I won’t do it again.” Izaya promised quietly.

Surprise and worry lighted on Shizuo's face, he opened his mouth to speak but Izaya put a finger to his lips.

“I'm saying this for myself,” Izaya explained “but I need you to hear it. No matter what you do, no matter what happens after this, I swear I will never make you try to kill me again.”

Shizuo held his eyes for a long moment then nodded. Izaya’s forehead thunked against Shizuo’s shoulder as relief left his sore and tired muscles close to trembling.

Shizuo let out a long breath and placed a hand soothingly on Izaya’s head.

“We really did a number on each other didn’t we?” Shizuo murmured quietly.

“Yeah.” Izaya sighed, turning his face toward Shizuo.

Before either of them could say more they were interrupted by the door flying open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope this chapter made sense! I'm kind of worried so please tell me if you didn't understand Izaya's thought process and the emotions behind it. Ah but that might just be me having as little confidence in myself as always, very sorry. Look forward to warm fuzzies in the next chapter! Their from a different POV though so I hope it works.
> 
> As always I hope you liked it and let me know what you think!


	21. Healing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter for you. Hope you like it!

“Hmm, looks like they’re still working things out.” Shinra commented after the door closed behind Izaya.

Celty turned back to her partner, typing on her phone.

[Are we sure it’s alright to leave them alone in there?] She asked uncertainly. [I know you say they were dating before but just last night they were trying to kill each other and Izaya is pretty badly injured. What if Shizuo can’t control his temper?]

“Then Izaya will get pummeled.” Shinra said so calmly Celty almost sent her shadows after him, but he continued. “Honestly though I think it will be fine. Shizuo tends to feel really bad when he hurts people he knows. Right now that’s all he can see, I don’t think there’s much chance that he’ll go after Izaya any time soon.”

Celty looked at him for a bit. He really seemed to believe what he said.

[Alright] She typed finally [we’ll leave them for now.]

They waited in silence broken by brief bouts of quiet conversation until they heard a loud thump coming from the bedroom.

[Maybe I should go check on them] Celty worried.

“Best not” Shinra replied “We should give them a few more minutes of alone time before we go barging in.”

Celty agreed reluctantly and they waited in silence for a few minutes.

“Although we should probably go in soon.” Shinra commented as if just realizing something. “If they go to far Izaya’s injuries might get worse.”

[Huh?!] Celty exclaimed as a cloud of smoke burst from her neck. [What do you think they’re doing in there?] She demanded incredulously.

“Huh?” Shinra responded tilting his head to the side. “Well of course they’re…” Celty covered his mouth with shadows before he could finish.

[Never mind] She said quickly [I don’t want to know the end of that sentence]

With how cute they had looked last night she wasn’t dismissing their relationship as out of hand but she still wasn’t sure how she felt about it. She definitely didn’t want to think about them doing… that.

Throwing  glance toward the bedroom Celty turned back to Shinra.

[I’m going to go check on them] She announced, heading for the bedroom and throwing the door open without warning.

What Celty found almost made her close the door and retreat to Shinra. Shizuo was sitting on the edge of the bed holding a still shirtless Izaya on his lap with the raven’s head resting on his shoulder. It was odd to see the two of them close like that. They both looked up at the sound of the door opening.

“Celty” Shizuo said when he saw who it was.

The dulahan jumped, the sound of her name reminding her why she was here.

[Sorry] She said quickly, stepping up to the bed so they could see her phone. [I wanted to make sure you were ok] She showed the message to both of them. [You’ve been in here for a while]

“Ah, I’m fine.” Shizuo said looking to where her face would be after he’d finished reading. “Sorry for worrying you.”

Interestingly Izaya eyed Shizuo’s face as he spoke.

“Perfect timing Courier” Izaya turned his attention to Celty as soon as Shizuo was done. “Ripping each other to shreds didn’t work out for us. So can you bring Shinra’s medical bag in here?”

Celty stared at him in confusion.

“You sure you don’t want to do it out there?” Shizuo asked in surprise, seeming to understand what Izaya was planning.

“Here’s better.” Izaya responded, leaning into Shizuo a little. “I have no intention of moving.”

Shizuo’s hand adjusted to accommodate Izaya’s new position as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

“Alright” He murmured, ducking his head towards Izaya’s then looked towards Celty opening his mouth.

[I’ll get the bag, and Shinra] She said before Shizuo could speak.

“Thanks” Shizuo said with a grateful smile.

Celty sighed to herself as she went to fetch Shinra. She still didn’t like the idea of a relationship between those two. Izaya only ever brought Shizuo pain and misery, if she was honest Shizuo brought Izaya the same. No matter how comfortably they looked together in that room she just couldn’t imagine that changing. Even during the time Shinra said they’d been dating they had been fighting so often Celty had honestly been worried about Shizuo.

_I just hope they don’t hurt too many people before it’s over._

She thought as she ushered Shinra into the room.

True to his word Izaya was still seated comfortably on Shizuo’s lap looking like he belonged there. Celty stood to the side and watched as Shinra scolded Izaya off of Shizuo to his own seat on the bed where the underground doctor could examine his injuries. Neither the raven nor the blond looked very happy about it. Celty noticed Izaya hooked Shizuo’s foot with his own. It was as if he was afraid without some form of physical connection Shizuo would disappear.

Shinra started his examination. Celty watched with concern as Shizuo’s muscles grew more and more tense with every injury Shinra documented. Izaya didn’t seem to care one way or another as he waited for Shinra to finish assessing the damage. Shinra finally started pulling bandages out of his bag and prepared to apply them.

“No” Izaya said, suddenly interrupting him. “Shizu-chan gets to do that.” The raven explained when everyone looked at him in shock.

Celty reacted first.

[You’re crazy!!! First you force him to see the damage _you_ made him cause and now you want to make him do this? Can’t you see what you’re putting him through?]

She shoved her phone emphatically into Izaya’s face.

The raven’s eyes darted across the message reading quickly. When Shizuo moved to see the screen Izaya snatched it away deleting the text before handing the phone back to Celty.

“Of course I see it.” He replied coldly. “That’s why he gets to do this part.”

“Are you sure it’s ok?” Shizuo asked as Izaya turned towards him.

“It’s fine” Izaya said, folding his legs under each other and giving Shizuo what Celty would have called a warm smile if anyone else had been making it.

“Don’t you care what I think?” Shinra asked dryly from Izaya’s other side.

“Not really” Izaya quipped leaning back to look at Shinra. “You’ve had your fun now let Shizu-chan patch me up. If he makes a mistake you can help him fix it.”

Shinra sighed but, to Celty’s surprise, handed the bandages over to Shizuo.

Celty watched carefully as Shizuo began applying bandages. The trusting way Izaya let the blond handle his injuries would have made Celty think that it had been anyone else in the room who had given them to him. Izaya hadn’t been that relaxed for Shinra. To Celty’s surprise Shizuo seemed to be doing better too. She tilted her head to the side as she watched them sitting cross legged across from reach other on the bed.

_They look like a couple of kids._  She realized _Making up after a bad scuffle._

Eventually Shizuo finished with the injuries on Izaya’s torso and looked towards Shinra.

“What about his arms?” The blond asked the doctor. Shinra hadn’t even started to examine them before applying the bandages.

“I can’t tell just by looking at them but they’re pretty bad. I’m guessing they were in casts until a few weeks ago.”

Izaya wouldn’t meet Shizuo’s concerned eyes as Shinra continued. “We should get them x-rayed as soon as possible so I can see the full extent of the damage and…”

“Enough.” Izaya cut him off sharply “Stop talking as if I weren’t here. Shizu-chan I’m fine, you’ve seen for yourself. Just like the rest of me my arms will be good as new in a matter of weeks.”

“No, they won’t.” Shinra cut in coldly.

Izaya’s face paled and he scrambled to his knees. There was something akin to panic in his eyes but he didn’t turn towards Shinra. Instead his attention focused solely on Shizuo.

“Shizu-chan it’s not your fault.” He said quickly. The way he reacted he almost seemed like a completely different person to Celty. “I pushed myself harder that I should have. If I hadn’t, they would be healing just fine. Even if I can never use them again it’s not your fault.”

It looked like the stream of words would continue for a while but Shizuo reached out and pulled Izaya to his chest.

“Idiot” Shizuo growled gently “I won’t abandon you. Whatever happens I’m here for you. If there’s anything you can’t do for yourself I’ll do it for you.” He pulled Izaya in against his body, cradling the raven’s head to his shoulder. Celty was almost more surprised that Izaya let him.  “And I told you to stop blaming yourself so much. You’re not the only one at fault. I knew there was no way you could be healed already. I knew you were to afraid of losing me to ask me to wait. I knew and I still didn’t try to find a different solution.”

“You really are a monster.” Izaya sighed, actually settling closer into Shizuo.

To Celty’s surprise Shizuo smiled at the comment.

“Whatever it takes” he replied “for you to let me love you.”

Celty watched the exchange without interrupting as she stepped over to Shinra.

[Did you have to be so harsh?] She asked, thinking about reconsidering her opinion of their relationship.

“It’s not like I said Izaya’s arms might never heal completely, though there is that chance, they came to that conclusion on their own.”

Shizuo’s head snapped up but he kept cradling Izaya to him.

“If he completely stops using his arms for a while there’s a chance he’ll make a full recovery.” Shinra continued. “I won’t know for certain until I see x-rays though.”

[You might have to put Izaya in a strait jacket to get him to stop using his arms.] Celty pointed out.

“You think so?” Shinra asked idly glancing at the blond watching them. “I think it’ll be easier than that.”

[What do you mean?] Celty pressed.

“Simple” Shinra said before turning towards the couple on the bed. “Shizuo, Izaya might be able to regain full use of his arms.”

Izaya started to sit up but Shizuo pulled him back, only allowing the raven to turn enough to be able to look at Shinra. Again Celty marveled at Izaya’s complete lack of resistance.

“What does he have to do?” Shizuo asked bluntly.

“From this point forward Izaya can’t lift anything heavier than a toothbrush.” Shinra instructed.

“Oi!” Izaya exclaimed, looking frantically between Shinra and Shizuo.

Shizuo pulled Izaya closer, looking at Shinra. “He’ll do it.” The blond said simply.

“Shizu-chan I can’t function like that.” Izaya said, twisting to look up at his captor.

“I told you I’m here.” Shizuo said, cupping Izaya’s face in one hand. “If there’s something you can’t do I’ll do it for you.” He brought his forehead to Izaya’s. “Please just let yourself heal.”

“That’s cheating Shizu-chan.” Izaya complained.

“Whatever it takes.” Shizuo repeated. “Whatever it takes to have you back.”

Celty watched the exchange as they encased themselves in their own little world almost like they were a couple reunited after years apart.

Sighing to herself Celty typed on her phone.

[You two really were dating before.] She admitted, she still didn’t really understand it.

“Sorry we didn’t tell you Celty” Shizuo apologized. “We weren’t sure how you’d react.”

“What he means” Izaya said with a cold tone to his voice as he leaned his back against Shizuo’s chest. “is that he wanted to tell you but I wouldn’t let him. So don’t be mad at Shizu-chan.”

[I’m not mad] Celty assured him. [I kind of understand why you didn’t tell me.] She added as relief slipped subtly across Izaya’s face.

“Oh that reminds me.” Shinra interjected. “Shizuo are you sure you’ve remembered everything?”

Shizuo’s muscles visibly tensed as he turned towards Shinra.

“What do you mean?” The blond asked tensely.

“Well you seemed surprised when you realized I knew about the two of you.” Shinra pointed out. “So I was wondering if there was anything else that you still don’t remember.”

Shizuo’s eyes went wide in what could only be described as fear.

“Shit.” He mumbled “I don’t know. I…” He squeezed his eyes shut. “Shit.” He repeated.

Izaya immediately maneuvered to a position where he could meet Shizuo’s eyes without craning his neck.

“Shizu-chan.” He said calmly.

Regret was painfully obvious on Shizuo’s face when he opened his eyes to meet Izaya’s.

“Do you remember why I call you monster?” He asked seriously.

Celty almost intervened again. What the hell kind of question was that to ask now? But she thought better of it. There was something about their relationship she didn’t understand, it was better for her not to get involved yet.

“I remember.” Shizuo confirmed quietly.

Izaya relaxed into a smile. “Then you remember everything important.” He told the blond.

“No” Shizuo said. “That’s not the only important thing that happened.”

Celty had never seen Izaya so visibly shocked as when he blinked at Shizuo.

“I remember why you lied the last time I left your apartment before I lost my memory.” Shizuo murmured, pointedly holding Izaya’s gaze. “I remember why I let you. I also remember how long you’ve loved me.”

Celty suddenly felt very awkward. She didn’t understand their relationship very well but even she could see that these two needed time alone. It seemed like they had a lot to talk about.

“What do I not remember?” Shizuo asked “What if it’s just as important as what I remember? Izaya I don’t want to….”

“It’s alright.” Izaya interrupted almost gently. “If there’s anything you don’t remember I’ll tell you. So just ask, if you don’t know to ask I’ll tell you. After you tell me everything you remember I’ll tell you what’s missing.” He gently rested their foreheads together. “It’s alright Shizu-chan.”

“Tell me this then.” Shizuo said quietly. “You call me that out of habit now. Don’t you?”

Izaya snorted and gave Shizuo a crooked smirk.

“It’s adorable that you think that Shizu-chan.” He chuckled drawing out the nickname as if tasting every syllable.

Celty typed on her phone and showed it to Shinra.

[We should go]

She didn’t follow Izaya and Shizuo’s conversation at all she and Shinra definitely weren’t needed here.

“Ah right.” Shinra acknowledged when he read her message. “One more thing.” He turned to the couple on the bed who had looked up when he spoke. “I’m going to get a couple of braces for you Izaya.”  He told the dismayed raven. “Shizuo make sure he keeps them on.” The blond nodded and Shinra turned his attention back to Izaya. “You are relegated to passive activities that wont stress your muscles.” He instructed. “So no running around the city and no fighting.” He glanced between Izaya and Shizuo “Also, I shouldn’t have to say this but no sex either.” He noticed Shizuo and Izaya’s gaping mouths and continued with a smirk. “I don’t care how long it’s been since you did it last you two can’t have sex no matter how bored or awkward you get.” Shizuo, Izaya and Celty just stared at him in shock and embarrassed silence.

“What exactly do you think our relationship consists of?” Shizuo asked finally.

Shinra blinked at him. “Fighting and sex.” He said plainly.

[I’m sorry!] Celty interjected quickly before either of them could get too angry. [We are going to leave now.]  After thinking about it for a moment she added. [Take your time and talk properly, it seems like you both have a lot on your minds.]

Shizuo and Izaya read the message, they glanced at each other quickly then Shizuo looked back at Celty.

“Thanks for coming by Celty.” Shizuo said “We must have worried you, sorry about that.”

[Don’t worry about it] Celty responded [I’m just glad it looks like you’re both going to be ok]

Shizuo nodded and reluctantly released Izaya so he could walk Celty and Shinra to the door. Celty noticed that Izaya followed behind stopping just before the entryway to wait for Shizuo.

[Are you sure this relationship is a good idea?] She asked Shizuo at the door. [Even if Izaya genuinely returns your feelings, chances are it won’t end well]

Shizuo sighed and glanced briefly at Izaya before responding.

“If you thought that then why did you help me find him?” Shizuo asked, his voice pitched for Celty alone.

[You needed answers] She told him, she honestly hadn’t thought his feelings would be returned, a rejection from Izaya had seemed like the quickest way to end this. [Now that you have them I think it’s best for you to end this before you end up hurting each other.]

“Celty we’ve already hurt each other.” Shizuo pointed out. “We nearly killed each other because I forgot what we have. Right now the worst thing we could do to each other would be end this.”

[If that’s how you feel I won’t interfere.] Celty said finally

Shizuo nodded in gratitude and Celty left with Shinra. She didn’t really understand their relationship but they both seemed determined to make it work.

When they reached Shooter Shinra looked back at the apartment while Celty stroked her horse.

“Do you think they’ll be ok?” Shinra asked suddenly.

[I don’t know.] Celty answered honestly. [Did you have to tell them they can’t have sex?]

“No” Shinra admitted casually “Honestly they might be fine if they’re careful of Izaya’s injuries but those two only know how to communicate physically. Some things can only be said through words. This way they’ll have to talk to each other.”

[You actually thought that though?] Celty asked in surprise.

“Those two have been through a lot.” Shinra observed “If they don’t talk they may never recover.”

Celty stared at Shinra in surprise, it was rare for him to worry this much about someone else.

“Ah, but I won the bet.” Shinra exclaimed suddenly.

Celty tilted her head in confusion.

_What bet?_

“Izaya was there last night” Shinra chirped happily. “Let’s go home so I can claim my reward.”

If Celty had eyes, she would have rolled them.

[I never agreed to any bet.] She reminded him before swinging easily onto shooters back.

“But Celty” Shinra whined as he got on behind her. “He was here, I told you he’d be here.”

[He was] Celty acknowledged as he wrapped his arms around her waist. [I’m still not sure if that was a god thing or not]

She took off without waiting for a response. She had told Shizuo she wouldn’t get involved, so she took Shinra home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There it is I hope you enjoyed the chapter!  
> So? So? Was it at least a little warm and fuzzy even though Celty doesn't quite ship them?  
> Is my severe lack of confidence getting annoying yet?  
> What was your favorite part of the chapter?  
> Let me know what you think!!


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